Was it because this was how he was thinking of himself right now? Was she capturing his image of himself? Was there some lingering connection between their minds?
"Ender," she said, "what happened down there?"
"Better than I hoped," said Ender.
"What was?"
"The link between us."
"You expected that?"
"Wanted it." Ender sat on the side of the car, his feet dangling in the tall grass. "She was hot today, wasn't she?"
"Was she? I wouldn't know how to compare."
"Sometimes she's so intellectual--it's like doing higher mathematics in my head, just talking to her. This time--like a child. Of course, I've never been with her when she was laying queen eggs. I think she may have told us more than she meant to."
"You mean she didn't mean her promise?"
"No, Val, no, she always means her promises. She doesn't know how to lie."
"Then what did you mean?"
"I was talking about the link between me and her. How they tried to tame me. That was really something, wasn't it? She was furious there for a moment, when she thought that you might have been the link they needed. You know what that would have meant to them--they wouldn't have been destroyed. They might even have used me to communicate with the human governments. Shared the galaxy with us. Such a lost opportunity."
"You would have been--like a bugger. A slave to them."
"Sure. I wouldn't have liked it. But all the lives that would have been saved--I was a soldier, wasn't I? If one soldier, dying, can save the lives of billions . . ."
"But it couldn't have worked. You have an independent will," said Valentine.
"Sure," said Ender. "Or at least, more independent than the hive queen can deal with. You too. Comforting, isn't it?"
"I don't feel very comforted right now," said Valentine. "You were inside my head down there. And the hive queen--I feel so violated--"
Ender looked surprised. "It never feels that way to me."
"Well, it's not just that," said Valentine. "It was exhilarating, too. And frightening. She's so--large inside my head. Like I'm trying to contain someone bigger than myself."
"I guess," said Ender. He turned to Plikt. "Was it like that for you, too?"
For the first time Valentine realized how Plikt was looking at Ender, with eyes full, a trembling gaze. But Plikt said nothing.
"That strong, huh?" said Ender. He chuckled and turned to Miro.
Didn't he see? Plikt had already been obsessed with Ender. Now, having had him inside her mind, it might have been too much for her. The hive queen talked of taming rogue workers. Was it possible that Plikt had been "tamed" by Ender? Was it possible that she had lost her soul inside his?
Absurd. Impossible. I hope to God it isn't so.
"Come on, Miro," said Ender.
Miro allowed Ender to help him to his feet. Then they climbed back onto the car and headed home to Milagre.
Miro had told them that he didn't want to go to mass. Ender and Novinha went without him. But as soon as they were gone, he found it impossible to remain in the house. He kept getting the feeling that someone was just outside his range of vision. In the shadows, a smallish figure, watching him. Encased in smooth hard armor, only two clawlike fingers on its slender arms, arms that could be bitten off and cast down like brittle kindling wood. Yesterday's visit to the hive queen had bothered him more than he dreamed possible.
I'm a xenologer, he reminded himself. My life has been devoted to dealing with aliens. I stood and watched as Ender flayed Human's mammaloid body and I didn't even flinch, because I'm a dispassionate scientist. Sometimes maybe I identify too much with my subjects. But I don't have nightmares about them, I don't start seeing them in shadows.
Yet here he was, standing outside the door of his mother's house because in the grassy fields, in the bright sunlight of a Sunday morning, there were no shadows where a bugger could wait to spring.