“Here’s your check,” Samantha said, reaching into her purse and pulling out an envelope. “Full payment for the Chicago job. I don’t know why we couldn’t have just couriered it to you instead of me meeting you in person.”
Because I didn’t have an address at the moment. And I wanted to talk to her. “Thanks,” I said, taking the check and putting it in my bag.
“This wasn’t just about the check, was it?” Samantha asked. “You asked me to bring it to you in person, alone, in Central Park. I’m wondering if I’m in the middle of a spy operation.”
I picked up the fat-free, decaf latte I’d put on the bench next to me and took a sip. It was too early in the day to be without caffeine. In the four days since I’d gotten back from Chicago I’d been dead sober, and now I was drinking too much decaf. It was the only vice I could think of until it was time to take a pregnancy test. “Here’s the thing,” I said. “I’m going out of town. Today. Right after I leave here.”
Samantha’s eyebrows went up. “Okay.”
“I’m going for a while. A few weeks, maybe. Or a month or two. I haven’t decided.”
“Where are you going?”
“I’m staying at a friend’s place. When I got home from Chicago I found out my roommate had given my half of the apartment to her boyfriend, so I had to move out anyway. I’m going to stay at this… friend’s place and figure out where I’m going next.”
Samantha was quiet for a second, taking this in. “Ava, why are you telling me this?”
I took another desperate sip of the latte, wishing to God there was caffeine in it. Or tequila. “I don’t want Aidan to worry about me. I want him to know I’m fine. I haven’t cracked up or had a nervous breakdown, at least any more than I do on a normal day. And I’m not mad at him. I just don’t want to talk to him right now. I can’t.”
The entire thing sounded insane coming out of my mouth, and any rational person would ask me what the fuck I was talking about, but Samantha said, “Does this have something to do with Chicago?”
I felt jittery, keyed up, even though my drink had no caffeine in it. I’d been bottled up since I came back to New York, sleeping on the sofa in my old apartment and taking apart the pathetic pieces of my New York life. All I wanted right now was to get out of this city and not look back, at least for a little while.
Oh, and I wanted someone to talk to.
And I wanted Dane.
I was off of anything bad for me, but what I craved the most, day and night, was Dane. I’d gotten too used to him, too fast. Too accustomed to seeing his gorgeous, grumpy face and his newly hot body. Too used to bantering with him, insulting him about his man-bun, and feeling the warm feeling he always gave me because he noticed things about me without me saying anything. He’d always done that, but now I was used to it and I wanted it back. I wanted Dane to take over and tell me everything was okay, which was exactly why I shouldn’t see him right now. It was like an addict thinking they could do just one hit of their favorite drug.
But I had someone to talk to right now who wasn’t Dane and wasn’t my brother, so I talked. “I saw my mother while I was in Chicago,” I said. “It wrecked me. I thought it would give me some sort of closure, but instead it ripped all of my old wounds open. So that was fun. And I spent the week with Dane, and I think I’m in love with him—but he’s wonderful and brilliant and he’s going to change the world while I’m a hot mess. So I left him because I need to figure myself out, but I got home and I found out I’m kicked out of my own apartment. The hot mess thing. And I might… I might be pregnant, which was something Dane and I pretty much agreed on, because we lost a baby a long time ago and it still hurts.” I rubbed a hand over my face. “Are you following any of this?”
“I think so,” Samantha said, and I knew I’d chosen the right person. She was so calm, so sane, and she wasn’t emotionally invested in our history the way Aidan and I were. “You and Dane have a history from years ago when the partners all lived in that apartment together. Am I right?”
“Yes.”
“And since Aidan has never mentioned this to me, and Aidan tells me everything, I have to assume he has no idea of this history.”
I sniffed. “No, ma’am.”
That made her smile, but she also reached out and put her hand over mine. “You’ve been through a lot,” she said. “Be kind to yourself, Ava.”
My throat closed because that was the nicest thing I’d ever heard. Be kind to yourself. No one had ever told me that. Not even the therapists I’d tried going to whenever I had a little money. “That’s what I’m doing, I think,” I said. “I’m leaving New York and I’m going to rethink everything. Rethink myself and try to get it right this time. Because if I’m pregnant, it’s important I get it right.”
Samantha’s hand touched mine again. “And if you’re not pregnant,” she said gently, “then it’s still important.”
I sniffed again. “Oh my God, you’re nice. If Aidan hadn’t married you, I’d ask you myself.”
“I’m pretty wise,” she agreed. “I can also see why you haven’t told Aidan all of this, because he’d go all big-brother on you and try to take over. And you need to handle this on your own.”
“Yes.” I felt my shoulders sag with relief. “You get it. Thank you.”
“I do get it, but you’re asking me to keep this from my husband. Which puts me in a tough spot. I’m a big girl and I can deal, but if push comes to shove, I’m going to tell him about this. I’m not going to lie to him, Ava. That’s all I can promise.”
“I get it. I have to talk to him, and I will. Just give me a few days.” In a few days, I’d take my first pregnancy test and I’d know which way my life was going.
“A few days,” Samantha agreed. “Are you going to tell me where you’re going?”
I shook my head, thinking of the address sitting in the text messages on my phone. Dane’s beach house, the gift he was giving me. He’d said the partners didn’t know about it, so no one but him would find me there. If I wanted him to find me there.