Sophie’s sad eyes meet mine, and Maddie frowns.
“I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you. It’s okay not to make any decisions right now. Time will tell all, Lennon. You’re not over Brandon, you’re concerned about our parents, and you’re hormonal and horny as hell.” Sophie smirks.
I groan, and Sophie grabs my hand, continuing, “Add in your feelings to all of that, and it’s a lot for anyone to deal with. He’s your biggest cheerleader and might understand you on a different level than Maddie or I do at this point. I think he’ll give you time, if you ask, but you can’t lead him on.”
“I know. I don’t want to be that person at all. The feelings are there, but I have to stop acting on them. An overwhelming amount of guilt streams through me for wanting more or thinking about him in that way. During Utah, I could no longer tell what was real and what wasn’t. I know I said we were acting, but there were times I wondered if he really was…” I trail off then shake my head because I can’t allow myself to think of the possibilities. “I would never ever intentionally hurt him,” I say, though I’m afraid it’s too late for that.
“We know,” Maddie says. “Hunter knows that too. You’re in a vulnerable place at the moment.”
As the conversation comes to an end, the three of us get up and make our way to the parking lot. Maddie hitched a ride with Sophie so she didn’t have to Uber or take the bus. I give Maddie a hug and tell her to keep me updated on her shows and rehearsals. I love hearing about them and can’t wait to watch her perform soon.
Sophie pulls me in for a hug next and then slightly pushes us apart. “Be careful, Lennon. I know you’re in a sensitive situation right now, and you two just went through some shit together in Utah, but I don’t want you getting hurt again.”
“Trust me, I don’t either,” I tell her honestly. “Hunter will always be Brandon’s best friend, and even though Mom and Dad bought the story doesn’t mean it could ever be real life. But this side of Hunter…it’s really hard not to like him.”
“I’m glad he’s being there for you as a friend, Lennon. I just hope he’s being sincere and won’t suddenly change his mind about wanting a roommate with a baby or something.”
“It’s my biggest fear, Soph. Especially after Jenna. One day, he’s going to move on with his life, and when that time comes, I won’t stand in the way. He deserves to be happy.”
A tear escapes, and I quickly brush it away, but not before Sophie sees it. She tilts her head and looks at me. “You can text or call me anytime. You know that, right?”
I wrap my arms around her again. “Of course, I do. And the same goes for you too.”
After I go to my car, I crank it and wait until Sophie and Maddie drive away. I lose track of time as my eyes fill with water and tears stream down my cheeks. Admitting my feelings and actually saying them aloud have my emotions tightly twisted together, and I’m in knots over it. I blink up at the blue sky and watch the fluffy clouds float across as I suck in a deep breath, then back out of the parking lot.
Needing to clear my head before I head home, I drive around town. Soon, I’m close to the church where Brandon’s funeral was held and blame my subconscious for guiding me here. I let out a ragged breath and turn onto the road that leads straight to the cemetery.
My head is in a fog as I think back to that day. It all happened so fast, then too damn slow. Over the past three months, I’ve avoided visiting the burial site because the wound is still too raw. It hurts each time I think about Brandon no longer being here and not getting to meet his baby. Being in the cemetery makes it more than real, but I can’t put it off any longer. I enter the wrought-iron gates and park close to where he’s buried.
My muscles grow tight, and my heart pounds hard in my chest. The guilt from Utah, from how things happened with Hunter, all of it comes to the forefront, taking complete control of my thoughts. I suck in a deep breath to clear my mind and even try thinking about something else.
Knowing it’s not good for the baby, I calm down first, then find a bit of courage to walk across the grass and search for his headstone. At first, I’m not exactly sure where it is and begin to frantically look around. Just as I start to panic, I see it. The grass has barely begun to grow over the dirt, but I move closer. As I read his name and birthday and death date carved into the black stone, I nearly fall to my knees.