I know Jesus said a good shepherd would leave his entire flock to find a single lost sheep. Right now, my lost sheep was all I worried about.
Seamus was in the same boat. His voice cracked when he led the prayer over our pizza. He said, “Dear God in heaven, please help us understand what happened to Brian. Please help us live our lives the way you intended us to. Please guide us through this difficult and sad time. And dear God, we all ask that you protect our dear brother Brian.”
It’s hard to explain, but the prayer eased my pain a little. Just a little.
After dinner, I plopped on the couch, listening to the sounds of the apartment as the kids went about their business. I could hear Mary Catherine’s lyrical accent as she coaxed the kids into doing their homework and preparing for bed. She rarely had to bark an order. Although she did occasionally. She had a certain way with the children—and with me—that made us want to do things to make her happy. It was a gift she didn’t even know she possessed.
When I was lost in thought, Chrissy jumped onto the couch and gave me a kiss. If that wasn’t one of God’s blessings, I don’t know what is.
Then Shawna cuddled up next to me.
Over the course of the next hour, each kid found his or her way to me with a hug and a few quiet minutes. It wasn’t random. I saw the pattern. The youngest first. Each visit lasted a little longer than the one before it. I knew Mary Catherine was behind the crowd’s show of support. I appreciated her thoughtfulness and the kids’ love.
Finally, the kids were all in bed, and I was still sprawled on the couch. I noticed that Seamus had made it a point to speak to each child as he or she went to bed.
I heard him say good night to Mary Catherine, then he appeared in front of the couch.
He said, “It was a tough day all around. We’ll feel it for a long while.”
I nodded.
“But you have duties that far exceed those of most men. A family, people to protect, a city to watch over. Don’t let life devour you, Michael. You’re better than that.”
I had nothing I could say. I stood up and embraced this irascible old man, whom I loved. A long hug. I felt like I did when I was a child and Seamus would comfort me. Then I said something to him that I don’t say enough. I said, “I love you.”
He gave me a crooked smile, shuffled to the door, and headed back to his quarters behind the rectory at Holy Name.
A few minutes later Mary Catherine snuggled in next to me. Her arm around my chest felt like a warm blanket. She lounged for a few minutes silently, then said, “You know, Michael, it’s not your fault. If you have to blame someone, blame Brian. It’s his fault. He has to take responsibility. He made a mistake. A bad mistake. That doesn’t make him a bad person. It makes him human.”
“I’m afraid prison might turn him into a bad person. It’s a hard life, and it can change a person.”
“He’s stronger than that. He’ll survive and build a life when he can. You’ll see. One day you’ll be proud of him and just as close as you are now.”
I didn’t say a word.
Mary Catherine said, “Trials and hardship are part of life.”
“But it just feels so awful.”
“As it should. We’ll get through it.”
All I could say is, “How?”
“As a family.” She kissed me on the cheek. “Something might happen. We might find Brian’s supplier. That could lead to something. You don’t have to be a cop to ask questions. Give it time.”
She kissed me on the lips.
I felt like I was able to breathe for the first time since I heard the verdict.
Chapter 19
I hit the streets again. I had to. We all had lives to live. There was nothing I could do for Brian right now, but there was still a killer responsible for a student’s death on the streets. That’s why I found myself across the river in the Bronx. I sat on the low metal bleachers at a Little League ballpark by Yankee Stadium.
The temperature had dropped, and I pulled my Windbreaker tight around me. I knew the butt of my Glock was obvious. Just like I was. Everyone in the area knew a cop was sitting in the ballpark. A ballpark in the Bronx. That’s probably why he wanted to meet me all the way up here. He wouldn’t see anyone he knew.
I waited, wondering if the call had been a prank. He said he had some good information, and something in his voice made me believe him.