“Saxon, why won’t you leave this alone?”
“Because you’re no masochist and yet twice a month you come here to punish yourself for some imagined crime.”
Imagined crime? His wife had died because he hadn’t been here to look after her.
“What happened to Rebecca wasn’t your fault. You can’t keep blaming yourself.”
He should have been with her. He should have taken care of her better.
Jake sent him a sharp look. “I’m not blaming myself. And I’ve played a few times since her death.”
“Only once that I can recall. And then it was more to do with trying to draw out that bastard who was after Laken. You chose Madison to play with, and she’s a selfish little bitch.”
“I don’t think talking about one of your members like that is good for business.”
Saxon just snorted.
“I’m the sheriff. The people of this town hold me to a higher standard.”
Saxon smirked. “Three quarters of this town are as kinky as the day is long. Half of the town council comes in here on a regular basis. You really think they’re gonna be shocked if their sheriff decides to pick up a paddle and spank a sub’s ass?”
He knew Saxon was right. It was just an excuse, but it was one he clung to. He wasn’t ready to move on. Every time he thought about playing, Rebecca entered his mind, making him pull back. Yeah, he’d used Madison. She was his cover for being in the club most nights while they’d been trying to figure out who was after Laken. It was a shitty thing to do, but it wasn’t like she’d been looking for a commitment.
“Leave it alone, Saxon.”
“You know I loved her too.”
They didn’t talk about this. Ever. So why was he bringing Rebecca up tonight?
“I’m leaving.” Jake made to rise. He didn’t know what had gotten into Saxon and he didn’t want to. They’d long since buried this conversation.
Saxon reached out and grabbed his arm, stilling him. Jake turned, startled by the fierce look on Saxon’s face. It wasn’t like him to be so serious. Oh, when it came to the club he was all business. But all else tended to be fair game to Saxon’s slightly bent sense of humor. He pushed when he should retreat. But they’d always had an unspoken agreement about this. He might try to send subs Jake’s way, but he never took it further than that.
“You know it doesn’t all get to be on your terms, Jake.”
Jake raised his eyebrows, shrugging off Saxon’s hold. The men were nearly a match physically. Jake was a few inches taller, but Saxon was slightly wider across the chest.
“What are you talking about? What’s wrong with you tonight? What’s on my terms?”
“This?” Saxon waved a hand. “You come here once a month, sit there all melancholy and serious, watch a few scenes then you leave. Why? What’s the point?”
“It’s none of your business.”
“Isn’t it? Rebecca was the only family I had, Jake. She was the only person in this world I loved. And now she’s gone. She’s been gone for three years, and I’m still not allowed to talk about her. To fucking mourn her. And you won’t even tell me why you turn up like some ghoul every few weeks. At first, I thought it was some sort of tribute to her, a way to remember her. Then I wondered if it was a punishment. Now, I just think you need help.”
“I need help?” Saxon was one of the most messed up people he’d ever met. “Pot meet kettle. And you have other family, or have you forgotten your brother.”
“He’s my half-brother, and we no longer have a relationship. I’m not saying I don’t have my fair share of demons, but I have my way of working through them.”
“Maybe this is my way of dealing.”
Saxon shook his head. “If it was, you’d make some progress. You’d at least fucking get off that stool and engage with people. I’m tired of not talking about her, Jake. Of pretending she never existed.”
The sad note in Saxon’s voice was the only thing that stopped him from walking off. He knew it wasn’t an act. When it came to Rebecca, Saxon didn’t kid around. She was the only person who’d remained a constant in his life. Besides Jake.
Although that was before Saxon moved to Haven. He’d followed Jake here, bought a house, then set up the club. Jake hadn’t thought he’d last six months in the small town. Saxon had not only settled in but was making a place for himself. He had ties to the community now. Friends. A life that wouldn’t be so easy to walk away from. And it hit Jake then.
Saxon was moving forward. While Jake was still back in the past, wallowing in the memories.