She forced herself to look up at him, prepared to see him looking uncomfortable or maybe even annoyed. Or worse, that she would see pity in his eyes. She didn’t think she could take that.
Instead, his eyes were filled with warmth. Understanding. “You’re scared. I get why.”
Did he? Did he know she was freaking terrified that he was so far under her shields that she’d never be able to keep him out again? That he was part of her now and to lose him would tear her in two? Did he know that was why she had verbal diarrhea? Fuck. The last thing she wanted was to have the guy she had dreamed about for years helping her go to the damn toilet.
“Eden, look at me. Look at me, baby girl.”
She hadn’t realized she’d closed her eyes. It would be so much easier if he’d just let her hide. But that wasn’t Zeke’s style. He didn’t shy away from anything.
She stared into his gray eyes. “I get this is hard for you. Last thing I want to do is make you feel embarrassed or for you to be afraid to tell me what you need. But you have to know I consider it a privilege to help you in whatever way you need me.”
“It’s beyond the call of duty.”
“You forget who you’re talking to. Taking care of you is the reason I was put on this earth.”
“That’s a really cheesy line,” she whispered hoarsely. But on the inside, hope soared. It couldn’t be real. Zeke thought he wanted her, but he hadn’t been around her for any length of time. Not like this. And she wasn’t just concerned about her broken body putting him off, it was far less messed up than her broken mind.
Maybe he could help you put yourself back together.
And maybe she’d just end up pulling him apart.
He grinned at her. “Might be cheesy but it’s the truth. I mean it, Eden. Taking care of you, in all ways, is a privilege. One I don’t take lightly. For much of my life I had no control. I was put in whatever foster home my social worker could find for me. I stopped caring about people because I didn’t know when I would be ripped away from them. Nobody ever needed me. Just me. It might not be what other people want or what they think is healthy. But I have to be needed. I want you to know what I need out of this. Then there can’t be any confusion.”
She’d never thought about his needs. Fuck. When had she become such a selfish cow? It had all been about her. Zeke’s childhood had been hell and he’d risen above it all to become the man he was now.
What had she done? Wallowed in self-pity?
“I swore when I claimed someone, I would never let her go. And I would do everything to keep her. I get that you’re scared of what you feel for me, of what this is between us. I get that you don’t want to be vulnerable to me. But what you have to understand is that there is nothing about you that could ever turn me off or disgust me or whatever else it is that you think I might feel. I want this, Eden. The more you let me help you, the more it fulfills that part of me that needs to be needed. Can you give me that much? Let me help you?”
“I’ll try,” she whispered. “I’m used to doing as much as I can myself.”
“I know you are. I don’t want to rip that away from you. But there are times when you will require more help than others. Like now. I don’t want you to keep anything from me out of embarrassment. And when you are Little, I’ll want more. I’ll demand it.”
She nodded. She got that. She might not have much experience with being a Little, but she lived with one. She got it. Being Little meant she could give away all those adult worries like embarrassment and just be. That night he had spent with her, he’d given her privacy when she’d needed to take care of more personal things. But he was right, she needed him more now. She wasn’t in a familiar place. She didn’t have all the tools she needed to care for herself.
But she had him.
“It’s easier to accept help when I’m Little.”
“Then we’ll make sure you have plenty of Little time,” he said simply.
“I really think you should stay away from me.”
“No,” he said firmly. “I’m not going anywhere, Eden. I’ve wanted you for the longest time. I don’t care what’s going on in here,” he tapped her forehead, “no, wait that’s wrong.” He took a deep breath, let it out slowly. “Look, give me a problem I can fix with my hands and I’m there. Emotional stuff I’m not so good at it. But if you need me to hold you, I’m here. If you need me to step in and be the bad guy, I’m here. You need someone to tell you that you’re beautiful and kind and smart and loyal, then I can do that, every day, every hour if that’s what you require to believe it. If you need someone to give you boundaries, discipline, protection, love, baby, I’m that guy. I can do all of it. But only if you let me.”
“All right. I’ll try. I can’t make any promises, though.”
“So while we’re here you’ll obey any rules I think you need for safety? You’ll let me be in charge? Whether you’re Little or not?”
“It was meant to be just one night.”
“You need more than one night, princess. Your Little is part of you. And denying her is hurting you. We barely touched the surface that night six weeks ago and a few hours later, you shut me out completely. That won’t happen again. We don’t know how long we’ll be here, so you’ve got to be prepared for that. And for me stepping things up several notches.”
He watched her eyes fill with worry. He knew he was pushing her. And she could well refuse him. But this could also be the break he was looking for.
He rubbed a thumb over her cheek. “Unless you think you can’t handle me?”
She narrowed her gaze at him. “Was that a dare?”