Fuck, I hated that we shared anything in common.
Standing up, I walked into the bathroom and searched in the medicine cabinet for something for my headache. All I found was aspirin, and I downed three of them, hoping they would take care of this headache before it got any worse but figuring the only thing they would do was tear up my stomach for the next few hours.
That was exactly how life was.
Hope for the best.
Get the worst.
I would have feared it was the end of the world if it were any different.
Catching sight of my tear-stained face in the mirror, I washed it. My phone wouldn’t stop its annoying vibrations with Calvin’s every call. For a few seconds, I debated just blocking his number, but that wouldn’t stop anyone else from messing with me.
I dropped the noisy thing into the toilet and flushed. The phone didn’t go down, but the drowning shut it the hell up. I left it where it was and headed for the bedroom door. Thankfully, the hall was empty. Somehow, I made it outside without any one of the dozens I passed stopping me. The entire clubhouse no doubt had been informed of my mother’s death, and I didn’t want any fake sympathy from anyone.
Outside, the sky was clear, not a cloud in sight to hinder the view of the sparkling stars overhead. For a moment, it hurt to breathe as I imagined Mom up there looking down on the world from one of those stars.
Then I realized she was probably only looking down at Calvin.
Surprisingly, that didn’t hurt nearly as much as it had the day before. In that moment, I realized I lost my mother a long time ago. Way before the illness had started to take her mind, I knew she wasn’t really mine. She belonged only to Calvin. The times she gave me were only borrowed, filler for her boring life until she could see the man who was her sole reason for breathing.
My lips twisted as I glanced around the parking lot in search of my car and found it by the gate. Reaching into my jacket pocket, I realized I didn’t have my keys. Kicking the right front tire, I headed for the gate. I needed to unwind. A drive would have been preferable, but I would settle for a walk.
The gate wasn’t open, but there was a slight gap, barely big enough for me to squeeze through by contorting my body a little. I slipped by while the brothers on the fence weren’t looking and headed toward town.
With the stars and a half-moon my only light to see by, I began to relax, comforted by the darkness of the night. It was quiet out here all alone. There was no traffic, no crickets or cicadas to chirp because of the winter temperatures, no barking dogs or yelling voices. There was only the night and me. I was used to being on my own. It was lonely at times, but it could also be peaceful.
As I walked, my mind turned to the last few days. Hell, it was hard to believe that not even a week had passed since we’d come back from the cabin. With everything that had happened since returning, I felt like I hadn’t sat still at all. After helping Raven with Bubbles, dealing with my mother’s death, and now facing an unknown future, I was exhausted.
I needed a vacation.
Or a really, really long nap.
For a moment, I let myself daydream about walking along the beach in the Bahamas or Hawaii on a starry night like this one with Colt beside me. His big hand engulfing mine, the warm breeze off the ocean caressing our skin.
And him proposing for real.
It would be romantic, and I wouldn’t say “Fuck no” this time. Or even “No” at all.
I would laugh and throw my arms around him…
And tell him I loved him back.
But that was all fantasy. None of those things was ever going to happen.
Colt and I weren’t meant to be.
I knew that when I first met him. I knew it when I realized I was falling for him. I especially knew it now.
But just the thought of walking away from him made it hard to breathe. It felt like something was sitting on my chest, pressing into me and making it impossible to suck in a deep enough breath.
It was what I had to do, though. For not just my sake, but also for his.
My desire to be with him was overlaid by the reality of the real world. My brand of toxicity didn’t mix with his poison. The results were explosive and dangerous for everyone around us.
Besides, it wasn’t like he would even want to be on that beach with me, holding my hand and breathing in the warm, sea-salted air. He had his priorities. He had the people he loved and who came first with him.
Kelli Murdock wasn’t one of those people.