I closed my eyes tight, trying to block out the world. “You should hate me,” I whispered brokenly against him. “I h-hate me, Nik. I hate me.”
“No, baby girl. No. I could never hate you. There’s nothing to hate you over. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I felt his lips against my temple and I started to shake uncontrollably. “Mia’s safe, Em. She’s safe, but she needs you. She thinks that you’re mad at her. Please, sweetheart. Come back to the bus with me and talk to her.”
Those words were like a dagger to my heart. Ah, fuck. Mia, I’m so sorry. So. Fucking sorry. I had been hiding from everyone, but mostly myself. In my cowardice I’d hurt Mia even more than she probably already was. I couldn’t let my precious little girl think that I was mad at her. None of this was her fault. None of it. She’d just had the misfortune of being born to me, a woman who sucked as a mother and was hated by half the world for being one of the biggest bitches to ever walk the planet.
This was all on me.
I couldn’t let her go on thinking that for a second longer. I needed to hold her, rock her in my arms and tell her how much I loved her. She might not have won the lottery by getting me for a mom, but I’d sure won something amazing the day the doctors had put her in my arms.
Swallowing back yet another sob, I lifted my head and nodded. “O-okay,” I muttered and saw relief flood Nik’s face.
He gave me a grim smile and linked our fingers together as he pulled me out of the room. Drake, Shane, and Jesse followed us out and onto the elevator. None of them spoke a word as we rode down to the ground floor. I could feel the tension rolling off of all four of my guys, but for once I couldn’t do anything to help ease their minds. I was useless right then. To them. To Mia.
To myself.
The ride back to the buses was short and quiet. I held onto Nik’s hand like the lifeline it was for me. His thumb rubbed small circles on the back of my hand and normally it would have soothed me, but not today. Maybe not ever again. I couldn’t understand how he couldn’t hate me when I was full of so much of it at myself. How could he still love me after I’d put our child at risk? How?
I wanted to scream the question at him, but was too scared of his answer. Maybe he didn’t love me anymore after this, and I knew I would have deserved that, but I was desperate to hold on to it. If I didn’t ask him, then I could live in blissful ignorance.
Reaching the buses, I took my time getting out of the back of the SUV one of Seller’s men had driven us in. The four big men stood waiting for me as I stepped down, blocking my path to the bus that I’d called home for the entire summer. I kept my gaze lowered, not having the strength to look any one of them in the eyes and see the loathing that I knew must be there.
When I tried to move around Jesse, he caught hold of my arm and held on just tight enough to let me know he meant business. I’d never had a father before, but if anyone had ever been a father-like figure in my life, it was Jesse Thornton. He had loved me like his own from the time I was five. I felt Nik’s heat at my back and saw Shane and Drake coming up on either side of me. They were all ganging up on me all of a sudden.
Jesse lifted his free hand and cupped my chin, lifting my head and forcing me to look him in the eye. “I can see the wheels turning in that pretty head of yours, Em. Listen to me. This wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t yours, or Mia’s or Shane’s. The only blame is on the bitch who did this to us. And she did it to us all, honey. We’re a family and that means we all stick together, no matter what.” His eyes were midnight black, and I knew his pain matched my own and that they were all feeling the same thing I was. Violated. Scared. Pissed the fuck off. “I love you, Emmie. We all love you. Don’t you forget that, do you hear me? Don’t forget that. Nothing you do will ever change that. Nothing. I swear it.”
“I don’t see how,” I told him in a choked voice. My throat ached from all the tears that I’d already cried and the millions that still clogged it. “How can you, any of you, still love me after all of this?”
Nik’s arms wrapped around my waist from behind and he kissed my neck. “How can we not?” he murmured softly against my skin. “I love you, baby girl. Jesse’s right. None of this was your fault.” He lifted his head and looked at Shane who had his jaw clenched so hard I worried he was going to break something. Instinctively I offered him my hand and after only a small hesitation he took it. His fingers were freezing, but so were mine. “No one blames you, Shane.”
“Emmie?” Shane’s voice was so rough from the pain shining back at me from those blue-gray eyes, it sliced at something deep inside my heart. I tightened my hold on him. “Do you blame me? Do you…hate me?”
“N-no,” I was quick to assure him. “Why would I blame you?”
“Because whoever did this was after me. I’m the one who brought this nutcase into our lives. If it weren’t for me, Ranger wouldn’t have nearly died all those weeks ago and Gabriella wouldn’t be fighting for her life right now. I’m to blame for all of this, Em. Me. Not you.” He was openly crying now and I pulled out of Nik’s arms to wrap my own around the bassist. Shane pulled me closer, burying is face in my hair as he wept. “I’m sorry, Em. So damn sorry.”
“This isn’t your fault,” I assured him. “It’s not. Jesse’s right. The only one we should blame is the idiot trying to destroy us. As long as we hold strong and show the world that she didn’t crack us, then she has no power over us.” I didn’t believe a word that was coming out of my mouth right then, because I sure as hell believed I was to blame for all of this shit, but I needed to comfort him. I needed him to know that I didn’t blame him for anything.
His hands tightened almost painfully around me. “Em…”
“Dude, shut up,” Drake grumbled at his brother as he hugged us both. “No more self-blame for anyone. The past is the past, and that’s where I want to put this fucking week. Far in the past. Because if we don’t, I’m gonna grab a bottle and start chugging.”
I didn’t know if Drake was joking or not, but I didn’t want to chance it. I didn’t want to be the cause of him falling off the wagon when he’d done such a great job of staying on it over the last few years. My hand found his shirt and I gripped it in a fist, holding on to him almost as desperately as I was Shane. “Dray…”
“Listen to the man, Em,” Jesse commanded, adding himself to the group hug. “Both of you.”
“You aren’t too big to be spanked, baby girl,” Nik teased softly as I felt him press against my back, his strong arms wrapping around his bandbrothers.
My mouth snapped closed and I rested my head on Shane’s chest as they all hugged me at once, offering me their strength and the courage I needed to face whatever else would come flying our way. Feeling their love like this, it was hard to keep hating myself. Maybe they were right. Maybe I shouldn’t keep blaming myself.
That didn’t make the pain and anger of the last few days lessen any, but it did ease the chokehold that had been on my heart. I sank into their hug and let a few more tears fall, but these were more in relief than anything else. They were slightly healing in a way and when the guys started to pull back several minutes later, I felt like I could actually breathe for the first time in days.
Nik turned me in his arms. “I love you, baby girl.”
“I-I love you too, Nik.”
His hand clasped mine and he tugged me toward our bus. “Lets go check on the kids. Mia will be glad to see you.”
I nodded and tried to give him a smile, but I knew it fell short. His hold only tightened reassuringly and we walked toward the bus that was surrounded by big, scary men in suits. Seller wasn’t even charging me his usual fee for all the ext