Raven grinned. “There was never a threat of war, Flick. Stop over-dramatizing it.”
I didn’t look at her, but continued to talk to Max, who blew spit bubbles at me as his fingers reached for my hair. “Okay, not a war, but a very nasty fight. Better?”
Raven laughed softly. “Yes. Better. We want to keep to the facts, babe.”
“So one day Mr. Mafia Man shows up to take care of a little business with Uncle Jet. Mommy was at the clubhouse that day and Mr. Mafia Man was instantly intrigued. Your rotten mommy seemed interested too, but we both know that she didn’t think it would be serious. She loved Daddy even back then.” My eyes flicked to Raven who was grimacing but nodding, then looked back up at Max. “Daddy just happened to be around too, and saw the way Mr. Mafia Man and Mommy…flirted...with each other.”
“Flirting was all it ever was, Flick. You know
that.”
“So, while Mommy and Mr. Mafia Man were making cow eyes at each other, Daddy had to sit back and pretend he wasn’t bothered by what he saw. But Auntie Flick knew. Probably Uncle Jet too, the way he laughed about it when it was all over.” I lowered Max enough to kiss his cheek and then lifted him again so he couldn’t tangle his fingers in my hair. The roots had grown out in the last month and I was still on the fence about dying it again or not. Jet hadn’t said if he liked it or not and I was torn between wanting to please him—and wanting to piss him off. “Now, Mr. Enforcer had a bad temper. Something I’m sure you have inherited, kid.”
“Yep,” Raven agreed.
“Mommy went to dinner with Mr. Mafia Man, and Daddy, who was the enforcer back then, followed them. What Daddy didn’t know was that Mr. Mafia Man would have never touched Mommy the way Daddy was apparently having nightmares about.”
Again Raven nodded. “Ciro is a good guy. Plus…I think he liked someone else.”
I shrugged. “I still think that. Actually it looks like something more than just like.” Especially after what had happened back in New York. I didn’t know whether to laugh or be pissed at my cousin for what he’d done…
Max let out an unhappy cry and I grinned up at him. “Want me to continue the story, little guy?”
He blew more spit bubbles at me and I figured that was his way of saying yes.
“Mr. Mafia Man took Mommy to dinner. Daddy, not liking what he was seeing, followed them. He became a real creeper and watched them through the window while Mommy and Mr. Mafia Man ate and talked.” I shook my head at the memories. It was amusing to think about how obsessed Bash had been. How totally in love with Raven he’d been, even then. “One day, Max my love, you will learn the most sacred rule in the Club: No one touches Raven. By then I’m pretty sure it will extend to Lexa and any other sister or cousin you might have. Back then, it was a rule your daddy took to heart and enforced wholeheartedly. So when Mr. Mafia Man touched Mommy’s cheek—”
“It was only to wipe away a little smear of whipped cream from my dessert,” Raven mumbled.
“—Daddy got a little hysterical and burst into the restaurant and knocked Mr. Mafia Man through the window. The fight that followed was one that the MC brothers still talk about with awe. No one, not one single man, could have taken the beating your Daddy dished out that night, but Mr. Mafia Man got back up and went back for more. He was like a machine. Nor could they believe their eyes when they saw how bruised and bloody Daddy was the next day.”
“It did turn into a blood bath pretty quick,” Raven agreed. “Jet didn’t know whether to laugh or yell when he showed up to talk to the restaurant manager and pick me up.”
“Mr. Mafia Man returned to big, scary New York and refused to deal with anyone other than Uncle Jet ever again. He still won’t acknowledge Daddy’s promotion to president.” I rubbed my nose against Max’s, making him giggle. “But Daddy got the prize in the end, so I guess he can be the bigger man. He got Mommy and you.”
I sat there cuddling and playing with Max for several more minutes. I was so lost in holding the little guy that I didn’t notice how quiet Raven had gotten. It was only when she spoke that I realized how troubled her thoughts had become.
“Why didn’t you tell me about the baby, Flick?”
I tightened my hold on Max so I wouldn’t drop him as my eyes closed in pain. During my time away with Emmie and her family, the hole that had been in my heart since the death of my baby had healed until it was the size of a small pin prick. I was sure that that little hole would never fully heal. How could it when I’d wanted and loved that precious little baby from the very second I found out it was growing under my heart?
The pain I heard in Raven’s voice only added to my own. When I opened my eyes to meet her gaze, I expected to see betrayal in her eyes for not confiding in her about my pregnancy. All I saw was confusion and pain…for me. “I…” I broke off and shook my head before trying again. “You were going through so much, Rave. You were missing Bash and hurting so much. I didn’t want to add to it with my crap.”
“I’m sorry, Flick. So damn sorry.” Tears glazed her eyes and she blinked them back quickly, but a few escaped anyway. “I was a horrible friend to you. Selfish and so caught up in my own shit that I couldn’t see how much you were hurting. You and Jet had lost so much and I couldn’t open my eyes long enough to see how much you were both suffering.”
I reached across the table and took one of her hands in my free one. When I squeezed her hand, she squeezed back. “Do you remember when you were sneaking around with Bash? Do you remember how exciting it was to keep that secret? To know that it was just you and him in some kind of a secret paradise?”
She frowned, thinking about it, and then nodded. I gave her a sad smile. “That was how it was when I was with Jet. For a while at least. The baby was a part of that secret paradise and it felt like if I told anyone—even you—about it then it would be like losing it all over again. I wanted to hold on to the secret paradise for as long as possible.”
Raven’s hold on my hand tightened. “I understand that, Flick. Really, I do. But if you had talked to me about it I could have helped you. I know I couldn’t have taken the pain away completely, but if you’d had someone to confide in—someone to help you mourn the baby—maybe you wouldn’t have felt like you had to run away.”
She was right. If I’d confided in her, then maybe the pain wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand that I had felt like I’d only two options left. To kill myself to get away from the pain… or to run away from it. I was glad I’d run away instead of taking the easier route. It was only now that I could see how much pain and destruction I would have left behind if I’d ended my life.
“I’m sorry, Rave. At the time my head was all kinds of messed up. I felt like no one wanted me—needed me. Like I was just sitting around taking up space in your lives.” I pulled back and rubbed a hand over Max’s back. Holding the little guy brought the kind of peace I’d only found when I’d held little Jagger. Neither baby would ever be a substitute for the baby I’d lost, but it did make it easier to think about my unborn baby with something that wasn’t as heartbreaking.
A shuddery breath left Raven and I lifted my head to find her wiping away a few tears. “I never felt like you were just taking up space in my life, Flick. Club life is a hard one—it makes you hard. At times its full of coldness and the kind of darkness that nightmares are made of. All my life there has only ever been one person who gave me the sunshine when things got too cold, the light when things got too dark. That was you, Flick. It will always be you.” She shook her head and almost angrily wiped at the tears that continued to fall down her beautiful face. “So don’t you dare ever think that you aren’t needed here. That you aren’t wanted. I love you, we all do. I don’t…” She stopped, swallowed hard several times and blew out a tired sigh before continuing. “I don’t want to feel the way I did when you were gone. Not ever again. I need you in my life. I want you in it. You’re the soft to my hard and I think a part of me would die without you.”
My own tears were flowing freely now. “Rave.” I breathed her name and she clasped my hand in her own once more.