"Don't." I pull away just before he can touch it, watching as his hand falls back to his side.
"What's wrong?" he asks, peering at me.
"I don't want you to catch it," I lie, not wanting to admit to the truth-that the scar is for me, and me only. A constant reminder, ensuring I'll never forget. That's why I refused the plastic surgeon, refused to let him "fix" it. Knowing what happened could never be fixed. It's my fault, my private pain, which is why I hide it under my bangs.
But he just laughs when he says, "I don't get sick."
I close my eyes and shake my head, and when I open them I say, "Oh, so now you don't get sick?"
He shrugs and brings the cup to my lips, urging me to drink. I take a small sip then turn my head and push it away, saying, "So let's see, you don't get sick, you don't get in trouble for truancy, you get straight As despite said truancy, you pick up a paint brush and voila, you make a Picasso better than Picasso. You can cook a meal as good as any five-star chef, you used to model in New York-which was right before you lived in Santa Fe, which came after you lived in London, Romania, Paris, and Egypt; you're unemployed and emancipated, yet you somehow manage to live in a luxuriously decorated multimillion-dollar dream home, you drive an expensive car, and-"
"Rome," he says, giving me a serious look. "What?"
"You said I lived in Romania, when it was actually Rome,"
I roll my eyes. "Whatever, the point is-" I stop, my words caught in my throat.
"Yes?" He leans toward me. "The point is… "
I swallow hard and avert my gaze, my mind grasping the edges of something, something that's been gnawing at me for some time. Something about Damen, something about that almost, otherworldly, quality of his-is he a ghost like Riley? No, that's impossible, everyone can see him.
"Ever," he says, his palm on my cheek, turning my head so I'm facing him again. "Ever, I-"
But before he can finish, I'm off the couch and out of his reach, tossing the throw from my shoulders and refusing to look at him when I say, "Take me home."
Twenty-Six
The second Damen pulls into my drive, I jump out of the car and hit the ground running, racing through the front door and taking the stairs two at a time, hoping and praying that Riley will be there. I need to see her, need to talk to her about all the crazy thoughts that are
building inside me. She's the only one I can even begin to explain it to, the ('jnly one who just might understand.
I check my den, my bathroom, my balcony, I stand in my room and call out her name, feeling strange, hectic, shaky, panicked in a way that I can't quite explain.
But when she fails to appear, I crumble onto my bed, curl my body into a smal tight ball, and relive her loss all over again.
"Ever, honey, are you okay?" Sabine drops her bags and kneels down beside me, her palm cool and sure against my hot clammy skin.
I close my eyes and shake my head, knowing that despite the fainting spell, despite my recent bout of exhaustion, I'm not sick. At least not in the way that she means. It's more complicated than that, and not so easily cured.
I roll onto my side, using the edge of my pillowcase to wipe at my tears, then I turn to her and say, "Sometimes-sometimes it just hits me, you know? And, it's not getting any easier," I choke, my eyes flooding all over again.
She gazes at me, her face softened by sorrow as she says, "I'm not sure that it will. I think you just get used to the feeling, the hollowness, the loss, and somehow learn to live around it." She smiles, removing my tears with her hand.
And when she lies down beside me, I don't pull away. I just close my eyes and allow myself to feel her pain, and my pain, until it's all mixed together, raw and deep with no begi,nning or end.
And we stay like that, crying and talking and sharing in the way we should've done long ago. If only I'd let her in. If only I hadn't pushed her, away.
And when she finally gets up to make us some dinner, she pilfers through her tote bag and says, "Look what I found in the trunk of my car. I borrowed it ages ago after you first moved here. I didn't realize I had it all this time."
Then she tosses me the peach hoodie. The one I'd forgotten all about.
The one I haven't worn since the first week of school.
The one I was wearing in the picture on Damen's coffee table even though we hadn't yet met.
The next day at school, I drive right past Damen, and that stupid spot he always saves for me, and park in what seems like the other side of the world.
"What the hell?" Miles says, gaping incredulously. "You drove right past it! And now look how far we have to walk!"