She nodded her head slowly. I wasn’t sure if she believed me or not, but when she started stroking the back of my head, I decided not to care right at the moment. I tucked my head into her shoulder. She smelled so nice, and her hands were warm on my head. I felt my dick getting hard from the proximity of her body, and I pulled her a little closer.
“My cock still wants you,” I said.
“I kind of doubt you are up for that right now,” Raine replied tersely.
“It’s up for it,” I countered. “Anytime I’m near you.”
“I’ve noticed that.”
I debated if I should confess about the cage fighting but decided against it. She might have forgotten about me coming home battered, and I didn’t want to make an already painful situation worse by adding additional transgressions. I thought affirmation was a better idea.
“All I ever want is you,” I proclaimed. “Even when that other girl touched me, I just thought about you and came back home.”
Raine tensed.
“What girl?” she asked. Her voice was hard and flat. Her hand cupped my cheek, and she turned my head to face her. Raine’s eyes were dark, and I realized what I had just said.
Ah, fuck.
Bad affirmation.
“What girl?” she demanded.
“At the other bar,” I whispered.
“What other bar?”
“Um…” I stammered. “Over in Hialeah.”
Raine continued to stare at me.
“I didn’t touch her,” I said. “She touched me, but I left.”
“What do you mean, she touched you?”
A whole new typhoon of panic swirled around me as I tried to figure out how to tell her what had happened without bringing up the fighting. Thinking about the fighting made me realize she still knew nothing about my talk with Landon and about what I was going to have to do. I was still too intoxicated to make any sense, and I knew if I opened my mouth, all the wrong shit was going to come out of it.
“Bastian, tell me what the hell you are talking about!”
“I can’t,” I said. “Not right now…please? I have to tell you, but I can’t right now.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about!” She started to push away from me, but I clung on.
“There’s shit I gotta do—for you…for him…” I babbled, not even completely sure I knew what I was saying. “I gotta do it, Raine. I don’t want to, but I have to.”
“I don’t understand!” Raine insisted.
I knew I wasn’t explaining myself well; there just wasn’t anything else I could say. I was too fucked up to tell her I had to fight again, and every word out of my mouth was the wrong one. Anything I said could and would be held against me and with good reason.
I reverted to the single phrase that couldn’t get me into more trouble.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” I mumbled against her neck over and over again.
“Why, Bastian?” she asked. “Why did you do this now? If you’ve been going to that place every day, why did you take a drink today?”
I squeezed my eyes closed, gripped her tightly against me, and took a deep breath.
“I have a son,” I whispered.