"Yeah, I guess so. As far as I know, anyway. He or she would be almost five now."
“Bastian, I’m so sorry,” Raine said, reaching out to rest her hand on my knee. I shrugged off her comment.
"So, like I said in the short version," I said with a completely unconvincing smile, "she didn't love me back."
"I think there's a little more to it than unrequited love," Raine said. She was angry; I could hear it in her voice. "She used you."
"Yeah, I guess." I realized I was completely exhausted, both mentally and physically. “When I thought back on all of it, I knew it had all been a set-up. She had planned for me to catch her in the act the other two times, so she would be able to convince me to fuck her without a condom. I never did that again – not with anyone – and I made sure even if one of them broke or something, nothing like this could ever happen again.”
“How did you do that?”
“I got a vasectomy.”
“Oh my God,” Raine whispered. I glanced to her eyes and saw the tears coming. I didn’t want her to cry, but I figured I needed to get this over and done with as quickly as possible.
"What she did to me hurt too much," I said. "I'm not sure I could love anyone again after that, which is why whatever it is that’s going on here…well, I just don’t know if I can deal with it. Even if I could, you shouldn’t have to."
“What do you mean by that?” she asked.
“Don’t you see, Raine?” I looked over to her and stared. “Jillian showed me what should have been obvious all along. Why would anyone want someone like me for a husband or a father? My blood parents deserted me, no foster home wanted me around, and I was a professional killer, for Christ’s sake! I wasn’t good enough for her, and she made that abundantly clear! And now some…some…”
The words got stuck pushing against the insides of my chest and throat. I finally managed to shove them through, but it physically hurt to do so.
“Some other guy has my family. My kid and the woman who was supposed to be my wife are being loved by another man. I wasn’t good enough. I’m not good enough…don’t you see that, Raine? I wasn’t ever going to be good enough for them, and I’m never going to be good enough for you!”
I wasn’t even sure how Raine managed to pull me against her chest and lay me down. All I know was that I was suddenly sobbing with her arms wrapped around my shoulders, holding me tightly. I could hear her voice in my ear and feel her warm breath flowing through my hair.
“Not good enough,” I mumbled against her. “Don’t touch me…you shouldn’t touch me…”
Despite the words I heard coming from my mouth, I made no move to push her away, and Raine didn’t let me go. I don’t know how long she held me while I cried for the family that should have been mine. If only I had been worthy of such a gift, but I wasn’t and I was never going to be. I would never father another child, and I would never be deserving of a woman’s love. How could I have expected Jillian to love me when obviously my own mother had not? How could I have thought I might have been a suitable husband and father to anyone? I was a brutal, inebriated killer and nothing more. I should end up alone – it was fitting and just.
I didn’t know if I actually calmed down, but I did get even more tired, and I stopped shaking in Raine’s arms. I started thinking about how completely ridiculous I was – crying over this shit as if I hadn’t brought it all on myself.
Raine spoke, bringing me out of my self-deprecating thoughts.
"That's when you started drinking, isn't it?"
"Kind of," I admitted. "That was the beginning, but I got much worse after my last fight."
"What happened then?"
That was the day I watched sixteen people get slaughtered.
“I don’t think I can do any more right now,” I said. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about her father at this point. I had said far too much as it was, and I was starting to feel like I was going to pass out from the emotional exhaustion.
“I don’t blame you,” Raine said. I was about to ask her what she meant, but she went on without prompting. “I think if someone had done that to me, I would have ended up buried in a bott
le as well.”
“No one would do that to you,” I said, the very idea making me see red. If someone hurt her like Jillian had hurt me…well, I’d make it my life’s mission to tear the fucker apart. Slowly. “If anyone did, I’d fuck them up.”
“Bastian?”
“Yeah?”
“It doesn’t change anything,” Raine said.
“What doesn’t change anything?”