“Only understanding,” he replied. His voice was short and clipped. “Come here.”
Branford placed his empty cup on the table beside him and leaned back in the chair. I approached and stood before him. My fingers twisted around themselves, a sure sign of my trepidation. I tried to make them stop so Branford would not notice, but I ended up nervously pushing loose hairs behind my ear instead. He opened his arms and curled his fingers back toward his chest.
“Sit,” he said. I started to move to the other chair, but he stopped me. “Not there. Here.”
Branford touched his hands to his thighs. I walked slowly back to him, looking down to where he pointed and trying to figure out how I could sit there. I turned to the side, gathered up my skirts, and sat astride his lap much in the same way I had on his horse on the ride to the abbey. Branford’s arms reached around and rested lightly against my lower back. He looked at me for a long moment before he spoke.
“I don’t think I have ever considered the lives of serfs,” he said, “other than my general duty to make sure the lands are safe from thieves, and all who can work are given work. There are too many of them, and I have never thought of what life may be like for those outside the court. When I realized what you were saying—that Hadley’s mother was killed because she could not run a farm on her own—I was appalled. My first thought was of Edgar and how he has never taken care of his people. My second thought was that I have killed for less.”
I glanced away from him, and I wondered how many people like me Branford may have killed in anger, and my thoughts lingered on the carriage driver. He most certainly would have died if Branford had not listened to my pleas. I still wasn’t even sure why I begged for the man’s life or why Branford decided to retract his punishment. I felt an unbidden shudder run through my limbs.
“The next thought I had was of you. I thought about how easily a similar fate could have befallen you long before I ever laid eyes on you. You could have come to a similar end, and then you would not be here with
me now. I found this thought to be very…unsettling.”
I felt pressure from his fingers against my back. One of his hands moved up my back, and he pulled me against him until my head rested on his shoulder, and my body pressed tightly against his. He dropped his other arm and wrapped it around the top of my legs. He was holding me almost like one would hold a child.
“The idea of harm coming to you is difficult for me to imagine. I realize that may sound ridiculous to you, given my recent behavior, but I was not in my right mind at the time. Sometimes my temper can hinder my ability to think clearly, and I act on impulse instead of thought. But sitting here now, contemplating the idea, I can’t even begin to describe how I feel about your being hurt or killed. And to know I caused such a mark on you...”
Branford’s words trailed off, and I felt his touch against my hair.
“Are there any others, Alexandra?” he asked, his voice full of concern. “Did I hurt you anywhere else? If you don’t warn me before I see any other marks…”
Again his words disappeared, and I didn’t take long to decide that telling him about my bruised arm would be much better than having him find it on me later.
“My arm is bruised a little,” I said quietly. “But that’s all. It doesn’t hurt.”
“It doesn’t hurt,” Branford muttered under his breath. I glanced up to see him close his eyes and take several slow, deep breaths. He mumbled something else, but I couldn’t make out the words. He tilted his head back against the chair as he stared up at the ceiling for a moment. He blinked a few times, took a long, slow breath, and turned toward me. I felt his lips pressed against the top of my head.
“I’m well trained in how to lead knights into battle,” Branford said. “I know how to motivate them and how to ease their fears. I know what to say when they are unsure of themselves, and I need to convince them to continue on, and I know what to do when they see the battle as lost but still must fight until there are none of them left. But you…”
Branford brushed the backs of his fingers over my cheek and then turned me to face him.
“I have to figure it out,” he said quietly. “I can’t expect you to be able to tell me what you need any more than I could expect those men to tell me how to give their lives with pride and confidence for their kingdom. It’s unreasonable. There has to be a way…”
His gaze went wide for the briefest of seconds before his half smile returned to his face. He looked right into my eyes with a strange glimmer in his gaze, and I wondered if it was because the light from the fire was hitting his eyes just so. He reached to push the fallen strands of hair from the side of my face back behind my ear and over my shoulder. He traced along the outside of my arms with his finger until he reached my side, where he set his hand comfortably against the rounded part of my hip.
“You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen,” Branford said. “You’re kind and devoted, which is exactly what I wanted in a wife. I think I am beginning to understand why you do not speak to me the way I wish, but we will just have to find a way to…well, to change that. I know it will be slow because asking you to unlearn such behavior at my whim is hardly reasonable. Still, I want you to try, starting with when we are right here in this chair with you on my lap. If you feel there is something you should tell me, we will sit here like this. I promise to listen to anything you say. You will never be punished for speaking to me when we are in this place. If I ask you a question here, you may answer with what is on your mind with no fear of retribution. Do you understand?”
“I think so.”
“In return, I want you to always answer me truthfully when we are here,” Branford said, continuing, “and if there is anything you want to tell me, or think you should tell me, ask me to sit here with you. Will you promise to do that?”
“Yes, my…Branford.”
“We’ll sit here every night we can before we go to bed. If there is anything you wanted to say to me during the day but were afraid to do so, this will be the place you can speak what you wish. If something happens when we are apart, you could tell me about that here, too.”
“Like, I could have told you about hearing you speaking with Parnell?”
“Yes.”
“And you wouldn’t be…um…angry with me?”
“I’m not angry about that,” Branford said. “Not anymore. If you had told me here, I would still have been upset with you, Alexandra. You should have made it known to me that you were not sleeping. I may still get angry at times, but you will never be punished for it if you tell me here. Does this make sense to you?”
“I understand what you are asking,” I told him, “though I don’t understand why you would do such a thing.”
Branford’s lips pressed against my hair again.