“Lily, please…don’t shut me out. I need you more than ever now. Maybe if you can help me get to the bottom of this, we can undo some of the damage. Find some way to get them to take it back so you can go to Jilliard and…”
“Enough, Ophelia!” she cuts me off. “Just let it go, okay? Game over.”
“Please, Lily. You’re the only one I can trust,” I beg with tears streaming down my face.
I want to argue back more. Tell her to stop giving them so much power by giving up that easily. To stop letting them come in between us. Say again that by isolating ourselves out of fear, we only made it easier for them to fuck with us. But I can see she’s in no mood to fight back. They’ve completely broken her.
Just as I part my lips to speak, not even entirely sure of what else I can say, she snatches her purse and storms out. I know better than to try and follow her. The Elites can track my every move now, and it will only make things worse.
I watch despondently as she storms out, leaving me feeling more alone than I ever have before. Even during exile. Lily is even more against me now than she was before. Now there is no one I can trust. She is the only one who can understand and relate to what I’m going through and she hates me.
I try to fix myself up the best I can. Just enough to make it home without being questioned by my parents. On the way home, I drive recklessly, my music blasting. I need to feel the vibrations of the music. The rise and fall of my heart as I speed too quickly around each and every turn, accelerating more every chance I get.
I need to feel anything intense I can get my hands on to fill this gaping hole and fear and powerlessness. I have never been so irritable in all of my life.
My mind goes through the possibilities. I could run away. I could catch a bus out of town and just ride it until it stops somewhere interesting. I could drive my car until it runs out of gas and just st
ay wherever I break down at.
But no, that would never be far enough away to keep me safe from the Elites. I have a feeling no matter where I try to run to, they’ll hunt me down and find me. Especially now that I know they’re motivated by some vendetta against my father.
I think again about telling mom and Brendan. But that thought is quickly squashed by the memories of her playing nice with Trey and Vincent. She was friends with their mom. I doubt she has any clue what these kids are really like.
Unless of course the Elites were like this back in her day too. I hope she never treated people like this. I can’t imagine it. But then again, I can’t imagine her being with an Elite either. Then of course I have to kick myself, knowing full well that if Emmett could be kind to me I would be his in a heartbeat.
I feel like if I even try to tell anyone outside of the Elites’ range of influence, they’ll think I’m lying. Or that I encouraged Emmett’s assault in some way. I am convinced my attraction to him is written all over my face.
The thought of explaining what is really going on with Emmett to anyone makes me sick. Even Lily would judge me for that, especially now. My mom would probably think I’m a freak and disown me. Brendan would be ashamed. I’m sure they think I’m smart and strong enough not to fall for someone so fucked up who treats me so terribly. Hell, I used to think I was too smart and strong for that, too.
When I get home, I hear my mom and Brendan rustling around in the living room. They’re home early. It sounds like they’re putting on a movie and settling in with some popcorn. I want more than anything to join them, but I’m too upset. I can’t hide it, and I can’t tell them anything.
I feel completely helpless. And as tired as I am of going through this alone, the only time I feel safe is when I’m alone. And even then, I’m plagued with paranoia over what will happen next. Especially now with this tracking device in my arm. I feel broken. Like something is wrong with me. I don’t know how I can ever go back to living a normal life after this.
Thankfully, I’m able to avoid my parents as I race to my bathroom. The spot on my shoulder where they sewed in the implant is still bleeding, and I have to bandage it up just to keep the blood off of my clothes.
I decide to take a bath to soothe my aching muscles, filling the hot steaming water with every bath product I can find that might bring me some peace and comfort.
I lay back into the bath water, my body still tingling and my legs feeling almost numb. The lavender scented steam rising up should comfort me. But nothing seems to be able to do that anymore.
I think back on the life I had before coming to WJ Prep and this Elites nightmare. I had friends to hang out with. People to talk to and go to the movies with. We goofed off at the park. Took bike rides. I had friends to jog with. I had fun. But now it all seems so far away.
I would give anything to have my regular running schedule back. I thought I knew what torture was. With what I used to put my body through. The hard, painful monotony. But those kinds of words have taken on a new meaning for me now.
I miss the thrill and sense of accomplishment. Since the Elites got their hands on me, I haven’t felt like I could do anything right. I remember the way I would sweat and the way my muscles would ache. Those sensations come for very different reasons these days.
God, I miss running.
I miss the satisfaction of it.
The pain that was gratifying…not relentless and out of my control like what I’ve come to know.
When I ran, I was in control. How fast and far I went was all up to me. A kind of freedom and responsibility that has become almost foreign to me.
I wonder when all of this is over…if it’s ever over…how hard I’ll need to run to wash all of this away.
I miss my old routes in Oklahoma. The newness of Jameson wore off quick. Any thrill of it was chased away by the Elites. And I can’t let myself forget the role that Emmett has played in that.
I should have known better when I first received that phone call from the Headmaster of Weis-Jameson Preparatory Academy. That scholarship was too good to be true. I wanted to think I had earned it. But now I know better. It was all just a part of the set up. The game.