My smile wavers as she looks straight through me, refusing to let her eyes meet mine. My hands wrap around my arms as I feel my face blanch. Before I know it, she’s whirling right past me, stepping to the side to avoid our shoulders bumping. She is pointedly ignoring me right along with everyone else.
Left alone again, I tensely pace the locker room tiles, wringing my hands across the back of my neck. For the first time today, I want to cry. The one person I consider a friend is now against me. Everyone is avoiding me. I am completely alone.
My world quickly feels like it’s closing in. With even Lily refusing to speak to me, I officially have no one outside of my parents. Between this new discovery about my mom and biological father and their ties to WJ Prep, mixed in with feeling like I couldn’t tell them anything that was really happening at school, they feel like they’re a million miles away even if they’re right next to me.
I stand with my hand spread across the wall, my head bowing to take in a series of deep inhales and exhales, before reentering the halls to exit the building. My heart rate finally slows when I’m outside again, feeling the warmth of the sun on my cheeks. But even the cloudy blue skies seem ominous in my exile.
I hesitate in my pace with each person I pass in the parking lot, thinking someone will cave in and acknowledge me. But they’ve obviously done this before. It’s like the Elites control a switchboard in everyone’s brains and can simply flip it on anyone at any time, making them completely unperceivable.
I debate going to practice. I can’t run away. But I had planned on at least stopping by to talk to Coach Granger. My mom had already called to let him know I’d be absent for a couple of days as I recovered, but surely he’s above this vow of silence? He might be the only person left who would still speak to me.
A glimmer of hope shines through the clouds at the thought of him. He had said I could come to him for anything, and while I wasn’t prepared to even begin explaining everything that had happened, a simple smile or hello would suffice. After this day from hell where every other teacher played along as Vivian’s pawns.
It was disgusting the way the entire school staff, and even the police, just sucked up to the Elites, going along with whatever new dumb thing they demanded. Even if it meant pretending I didn’t exist. It was that extent of their power and influence that kept me silent. Especially after seeing my mom playing chummy with Trey and Vincent.
By not telling anyone, even my parents or coach, I still have some distant hope of confessing to them as a last resort. If I play that card too soon only to find it did nothing, I would feel too hopeless to go on.
I can’t find Coach Granger at the track, and of course no one will answer me when I try to ask around for him. But finally I catch a note on the billboard informing everyone that he’d be absent today and to run the usual laps.
Fucking of course. Of all the days he could be absent, it had to be the one when he might have been the only person who would acknowledge me.
With each new instance of being shunned, I want to take off running to my car. But I’m too sore and tired. I walk slower than a turtle, kicking pebbles as I go. By the time I do reach my car, I decide to keep walking. I already feel claustrophobic with a lingering shock from the crash. I can’t stand the thought of getting in. I’ll walk home.
My mind races as I go, drenched in self-loathing of my own hypocrisy. From day one all I wanted was for everyone to forget me. Move their target to someone else’s back. I just wanted to run and focus on my grades, hoping if I stayed out of their way they’d stay out of mine. And now that my wish is finally granted, I can’t stand it.
When I get home, the house is dark and quiet, only worsening my feeling of seclusion. I remember Mom saying she would be working late. I collapse into bed, not even bothering to change out of my uniform. Sprawled out across the bed, my hand grips the phone, waiting for any kind of message. Even a bad one. Anything at all.
The long, gray day fades as I drift into a light nap. The kind that comes from boredom and restlessness, where every tiny sound or thought wakes you up again. Denying you the escape of sleep.
11
Chapter Eleven
I don’t know how long I’ve been awake before I finally resign to having to open my eyes. I had half-hoped I would just fall asleep again and wouldn’t have to worry about it, but it became apparent that wasn’t going to happen this time. The room is still mostly dark, but the harsh rays of light darting through the openings in the curtains tell me it isn’t early morning anymore.
I look over to the nightstand. 12:00pm. Shit. I slept in again. This is becoming a more frequent pattern, seemingly beyond my control. I lay here for hours, tossing and turning, not falling asleep until it’s almost dawn. Then I’m unable to stay awake when I should be getting up.
One week has gone by. Still nothing. No one will look at me. No one will talk to me. Aside from the moments I desperately cling to with my mom and Brendan, which are scarce around their busy work schedules, I am completely alone.
I slide out of bed, my still-tired body aching with each movement. My legs seem to buckle underneath me, not wanting to cooperate. I go downstairs, finding the house to be empty. My parents have already left for work.
I make it into the kitchen and see that it is mostly empty. Well, not exactly empty. There are eggs and bacon and bread for toast. A normal person would jump right in to making a nice breakfast, but the thought of cooking right now repulses me. I have zero appetite or energy to prepare food.
I throw on a t-shirt, secure my hair up into a sloppy bun and put on a pair of leggings and tennis shoes. Most importantly, I put on sunglasses to hide my tired eyes from the world. Walking out into the sun is painful. It burns into my eyes, my head and every bone in my body.
Once I’m at school, I wander through the halls, accepting my fate in exile. At least no one cares that I’m late. I look around and see a gangly kid approaching me with an apologetic look on his face. Finally, this is it. Someone is going to talk to me. But instead he just rushes past to his friends on the other side of the hall.
Coach Granger has been absent for a family emergency. And none of the other teachers will acknowledge my existence. Even when I try to corner them with direct questions, the other students always find a way to distract them or steal the attention back.
I am completely and utterly alone.
A state that at times, especially recently, I thought I wanted. But now that it is happening, I am more miserable than I have ever been.
I understand the concept now of children misbehaving for attention. Because negative attention is better than no attention at all. They would rather be punished than be ignored, and that is exactly how I feel right now.
I miss the punishment of the Elites. That’s how insane isolation has driven me.
It’s lunchtime, and I am over hiding away alone in the bathroom. I thought if I faced down being ignored, something would change. But then I realized it didn’t matter if I tried to hide or put myself out in the middle of everything. The result is the same. So there’s no use in hiding.