“Mom, please look at me.”
She took my hand, but refused to look. “I didn’t know you were feeling like this, sweetheart.”
“I honestly thought it would go away, Mom. After I went off to college and confirmed for myself that I needed to be there instead of here. That maybe, me going away would help you to find your footing somehow.”
She snickered. “You’ve been planning on going to college to get away from me, haven’t you?”
And as the question fell from her lips, my world came to a grinding halt.
Had I planned on going to college to get away from her?
36
Clinton
“Here you go.”
Cecilia placed a mug of coffee in my palm before closing the balcony door behind her. She sat beside me in the reclining lawn chairs I’d purchased for this little concrete slice of paradise. I knew she felt relieved. Especially after coming in the way I did last night. I practically took the door down trying to get inside. And after she saw the bruises on my face and my ribs, she promptly got me to a doctor this morning.
She wanted me to go to the E.R. last night with her. But I’d refused.
“Have you heard from her yet?”
I shook my head. “No.”
My stepmother nodded. “Don’t worry. She’ll reach out when she’s ready.”
I shrugged. “Not so sure about that.”
“I’m just glad you have a clean bill of health. Because those bruises sure aren’t getting any better.”
“They don’t hurt.”
“I’m sure they do. They just don’t hurt more than your heart right now.”
I snickered. “Ever the wise one.”
She giggled. “I come with my own perks.”
I sipped my coffee. “Is there anything I could’ve done differently?”
She patted my leg. “From what you’ve told me about how the weekend went? No, there isn’t.”
“Somehow, I don’t believe that.”
“I know you don’t. You’re a fixer. That’s what you do. And you're very good at it. But this is something you can’t fix. And you struggle with that.”
“I wish I could fix it, Ma.”
“I know you do. And so do I. Knowing Rae is hurting like that reminds me of the kind of person I was when I first met your father. Lost. Scared. Afraid of being alone and willing to grab on to anything just to feel as if I meant something to someone.”
“She means something to me.”
She shook her head. “Doesn’t work that way. If Rae doesn't feel as if she belongs anywhere or that anyone is happy with her, she’s going to feel alone. Whether or not you feel she should feel that way.”
I groaned. “So fucking complicated.”
“It really isn’t. Not when everything is stripped away. If you take away the emotions and the events of the weekend and boil it all down, what you’re left with is an eighteen-year-old girl who was forced to grow up too soon who doesn’t have any more answers when she’s used to having them.”