The elevator opened behind me and I stepped in. Rae took a couple of steps toward me, but I shook my head.
The doors closed.
I leaned against the wall and sighed. I had a lot to think about, and I couldn't do it with Mike pestering me about when I was going to talk with Rae. I mean, I wanted to think I knew that girl better than anyone, despite how long Ally and Mike had known her. I knew she was stressed about school. I knew she was stressed about the transition. And I knew shit with her mother was throwing her for a loop.
But there was something else I couldn't put my finger on.
Something she wasn’t telling me.
I knew that thing I couldn't place was the source of her anger from last night. And even though her words kept echoing off the corners of my mind, I was able to think rationally. I drew in deep breaths as the elevator carried me downstairs. My biggest fear, in all of this, had been losing her. I didn’t want to put words to the idea because I was terrified of speaking into existence such a damning thing. But after last night, I wasn’t afraid to admit it.
My biggest fear was losing Rae in all of this.
I mean, I couldn't see my life without her. Some of my darkest days had been lived with her in them. I didn’t know where I’d be had it not been for her this past year. And I wanted to repay her. I wanted to find a way to help her through this dark time in her life. Through the shit with her mother. Through this shit with school.
Through this shit with us.
The elevator doors opened and I strode through the hotel. I pushed my way out the doors and started for the sidewalk. Thinking about going back to a time without Rae made me sick. Sicker than I had been last night. I shook my head at the thought. No, I wouldn’t go back to a time like that. Rae wasn’t leaving me. Not like this. I’d go back to my old ways in a heartbeat if she did. Last night was proof of that. Even with just her being mad at me--not wanting me around at the party—I’d slipped down a rabbit hole that almost got me beat up and tossed into a ditch.
I’d be that angry guy nobody could save.
And that wasn’t an option.
You don’t deserve Rae.
You have some serious decisions to make.
You know she meant those words last night.
You know she’s not telling you something.
“I love her,” I murmured.
As I passed by people on the sidewalk, my mind spun. The voice in my head fought me every step of the way. But uttering out loud how much I loved her seemed to help. I felt people looking at me as if I were a crazy person. I didn’t give a shit. Above all else, I wanted to make sure Rae made the right choices for her life. Not for me, or for her mother, or because she wanted out of town. Or away from her mother and that bullshit.
She needs help.
She needs guidance.
She needs someone to be her rock right now.
“I’m going to help her,” I murmured.
I mean, it wasn’t as if I wasn’t guilty of doing much worse. I had actually ended things between me and Rae because I thought it was good for her. Because I thought getting her away from me would help her live a life she deserved. I actually broke the fuck up with her when things were at their worst. So spouting off a few words? Shit, that was nothing compared to what that girl had been through with me.
Compared to what I had done to her.
Time for you to be there for her like she was with you.
I looked to get my bearings so I could turn around. Get my ass back to the hotel. Sit down with Rae poolside or take her out for lunch and figure out where the fuck we went from here. We. As a unit. But when I saw the Cal State campus in front of me, I laughed bitterly.
Of course I’d end up here.
How the hell was it that my fucking feet had led me here? To the place I felt was stealing my girl from me? I shook my head as I picked up my foot, then stepped off the sidewalk. The grass gave way underneath my feet. I kept putting one foot
in front of the other until I passed by the college’s welcome sign. I gazed around at all the buildings. Some of them were tall, some of them only one story. I looked at all the guys and girls walking around campus. Chatting and laughing in their groups. They all looked as if they belonged together. As if their future purpose in life came from the veins of this very campus.
I wondered if Rae had felt the same way at orientation.