“It doesn’t feel like where you’re supposed to be.”
My lower lip quivered. “I’ve ruined everything.”
She shook her head. “No, you haven’t.”
“Do you feel this way at all? As you and Michael get closer to going off to school?”
She paused, then shook her head again. “No, Rae. Not even a little bit.”
I sighed. “So none of this is normal.”
“No, it’s not. For as long as I can remember, you’ve been dead set on making something of your artistry. Graphic design. Drawing. Something like that. I wanted to jump down your throat when you said something about doing English. It’s not at all like you. You know who that sounds like, though?”
I blinked. “Who?”
“Clint would’ve been good at an English degree. Especially with how much he loves to write in that journal of his.”
“You think I did the English degree to please Clint?”
“No. I think you chose English because the second biggest thing you love in your life is him. And you wanted something to remember him by once you went off to college. I bet you anything that, in the back of your mind, you chose English when you were asked to declare a possible major on all that paperwork because thinking about Clint made you happy. And English made you think about him.”
“I mean, I can’t fail at English, either. I’ve always been good at it. The reading. The papers.”
She nodded. “That, too. Rae, I don’t think I could commit to the workload I’m going to get at Stanford if I wasn’t absolutely positive that I was supposed to be there. I’m all in, and that’s what college takes. Same with Michael. So, if this isn’t where you want to be, you need to take some time and cool your jets.”
“But with Mom--”
She cupped my cheek. “Whatever you choose to do, she’ll understand. And there are plenty of ways to fix what’s going on with you and your mother. Starting with putting your foot down on some things.”
I sniffled. “But why do I have to keep doing that with my own fucking mother?”
She giggled softly. “Because it’s your mother, Rae. None of this should shock you, or scare you. But I think with the idea of coming to a college you hate, it’s making you freak out about everything else because you’ve never encountered this kind of fear before.”
“I did once.”
She nodded. “With Clint’s accident.”
My lip trembled. “I remember how helpless I felt. How terrified I had become. How out of control everything was around me. I feel like that again. And I don’t know what to do.”
“Do what you did last time.”
I paused. “What?”
“You’re an idiot, Rae. Cling to Clint. No matter what. You battled his father for
it. You battled the doctors for it. You battled school for it. But, in your moment of fear, you clung to Clint. Do that now.”
“I’m sure he doesn’t even want me looking in his direction, much less clinging to him.”
“I think you’ll find that Clint is a lot more graceful and accepting than you give him credit for. You’re being way too hard on yourself. What you need to do with him in start by apologizing. Then you need to tell him exactly what you’ve told me. Start to finish.”
I paused. “But what if he thinks--?”
Allison smiled. “Say it. You need to.”
I licked my lips. “What if he--he thinks I’m--”
“It’s going to sound just as insane when you say it. But releasing it into the wild is going to help you process it. Come on.”