Standing close to him, I can’t help but reach out and touch the back of his hand. “You ever need an escape, you come see me.”
He looks up and away from me. “I can’t always come here when I’ve got a problem, Cat. I need to learn to deal with things. I mean, f**k, I’m an adult. I have to start acting like one.”
My fingers curl around his. I look him dead in the eye and repeat firmly, “If you ever need anything, come see us.” He rolls his eyes and I know he’s about to argue with me, so I fight dirty. “Please. For Tomas’s sake.”
His eyes narrow to slits. “When you fight, you f**kin’ fight.” He shakes his head and mutters, “Pistol.”
Still holding onto him, I turn to watch the rocking back of a guy I’ve come to have strong feelings for. Although we can’t communicate well, we get by okay. I make him smile. He makes me laugh. He has all the affection in the world saved up for me. And I would give him all of mine if I felt I had it in me to give.
Xavier breaks my thoughts with, “He’s different with you.”
“I know.” My response is neither triumph nor gloating. My response is humbled and humbling.
His fingers play with mine. “I spent days wondering why. I mean, you weren’t doing anything I wasn’t. It took me a while to realise that even though we were essentially treating him the same, your delivery was a lot smoother than mine.” His eyes dart sheepishly to mine. “Tomas doesn’t respond well to anger.”
No. He doesn’t.
As we continue to stay in close proximity, touching, connecting, I chance a question I have no right to ask. “Why did you do it?”
His expression turns confused. “Do what?”
I speak softly, as if to soften the blow of my intrusive question, “Why did you do whatever is it you did to end up in prison when he needed you?”
His body stiffens.
I step closer to him, placing a gentle placating hand on his stomach. “I know I have no right to ask and I won’t judge you by your answer, I’m just trying to understand. Friends do that kind of thing.”
He looks at his brother. His eyes lose focus on everything else in the room. Tomas is his centre. But his answer is gut-wrenching. He whispers in agonising softness, “I did it to get away from him.”
Chapter Sixteen
“There’s something inside of me. Something bad. I fight it every damn day, Cat.” His hand grips mine tightly, tight enough to hurt; although, he doesn’t realise he does it. “I was mourning. We were mourning. But he needed me. And not just here or there, but all the f**kin’ time. It was like I wasn’t allowed to be sad or mad because Tomas needed me. Everything was Tomas this and Tomas that. I was everything he needed me to be. And I hated him for it.” He turns to me, eyes void. “I resented him for being the way he is.” His eyes close and he shuts them tightly as he whispers, “That night before I left him alone in the house, I called him a f**king retard, Cat.”
Part of me wants to punch him. The other part wants to hold him. “You didn’t mean it.”
He opens his eyes and stares into me. “I did. I meant it. I said it to hurt him but I meant it.”
Silence overtakes me. I’m not sure how I feel about this confession.
He nods slowly, averting his eyes. “I know. Fucked, right? He’s my brother. I’m meant to protect him from all those ass**les out there, and there I was calling him a name I wouldn’t call my worst enemy. And he knew. I saw the way he stopped rocking. I knew he knew what I’d said. He turned and walked away. And I taunted him. I told him I wished he’d never been born.”
I pull my fingers from his and lean away.
He looks up at me and we both feel it.
Something has changed. Xavier is no longer the man needing a friend while he experiences a hard time in his life. He is no longer the trembling mess that arrived on our doorstep needing help.
I see something more. My brows bunch. He was right. There is something dark inside of him. Something that wants to come out to play. I see that cold darkness in myself. Perhaps that’s why we have bonded so much in this short time. Maybe, for once, we need to be held. I crave affection as much as the next person, maybe more. I think Xavier does too. There is more to us than meets the eye.
I step away. “If you need anything…” I trail off and walk away.
If I don’t walk away now, I’ll beg them to stay.
***
I drag myself into the kitchen, still sore about Tomas and Xavier leaving us. As soon as I enter, I want to turn around and leave.
Alas. I’ve been spotted.
Michelle jumps to her feet from the small kitchen table. “Hey, Cat!”
She rushes over to me and wraps me up in a tight hug. After the day I’ve had, I take in her warmth. Without a second thought, I put an arm around her and squeeze. “Hi, Michelle, how are you?”
She releases me with a huge smile and I turn to Clark, who sits at the table eating his lunch. The relationship between Clark and me has been strained ever since the day he pulled up my garden. I mutter weakly, “Hey, Clark.”
I’m not sure whether he’s still angry at me about Marco or he’s embarrassed about his reaction, but he doesn’t respond, just jerks his chin in greeting. And it stings.
I didn’t do anything wrong!
Keep telling yourself that.
Michelle quickly moves behind the counter. “Sit your buns down, girl. I’ll make you some lunch.” She starts pulling out bread and sandwich meat and just as I begin to protest, she places her hands up and orders firmly, “I said sit!”
I blink. For a little thing, she can deliver an order.
Knowing arguing is futile, I move to the table and take a seat next to Clark. He swallows, and then leans over to me. “It’s okay. We’ll be out of your way as soon as I eat.”
I frown and answer just loud enough for him to hear. “Don’t leave on my account. I’ll go eat in my room.”
He looks down at the table. “I— I just don’t want you feeling uncomfortable is all. I know I f**ked up.”
My face softens and I whisper, “We all have bad days and yes, your bad day was pretty epic, but I told you already, it’s done and dusted. We’re good.” He looks up at me, shame in his eyes. I place a hand on his knee and look him in the eye. “We’re good. I promise. There’s no reason we can’t all be friends.”
He nods once, as if reassuring himself. “Well, if you’re sure.”