Yeah, that was her grandfather, a riddle within a puzzle, she thought wearily, watching him leave the house. When the door closed behind him she turned to Cullen, feeling the tension radiating from him.
“No sage advice? You may as well, everyone else is dispensing it,” she whispered, fighting to keep her chin from trembling with the realization that there was no way to win this particular battle. Just by being who she was, what she longed to be, she was breaking her family’s heart and giving her father waking nightmares. Wasn’t that a nice piece of information.
“Let me get over my own sense of terror first,” he told her, a growl in his voice. “Your father saw it unfold? I was there. And my guts are still cramped with the memory of it. Maybe I can come up with sage advice later.”
“You just do that, Cullen.” Her breath hitched as she felt herself losing control of the tears threatening to fill her eyes. “I’m going to shower. Maybe by the time I finish, I can find a way to deal with the fact that there’s not a damned person that I care about willing to accept me for who and what I am. Lucky fucking me.”
Turning away from him she hurried from the room, swiping at the tear that fell to her cheek. She hated crying. Hated it. Just as she hated the guilt that always came with those tears. For ten years she’d fought to find a way to come to terms with her needs and her family’s fears. And she’d failed.
She hadn’t demanded a position with Covert Ops in the Agency; she’d actually bargained more often for Command and Logistics. She knew that being in the thick of danger was something her family couldn’t handle, and she’d tried to balance her needs with theirs. It hadn’t happened, though. Cullen had refused her a job in Command, and her application to the Nation’s police force had been rejected by the board, who incidentally were all close friends of her father’s. The private security agency she’d applied to had demanded references, and Cullen had refused to give them.
They had made the decision for her; she hadn’t made it. Rule Breaker had been willing to take a chance on her, though, and now something or someone was screwing that up for her.
Son of a bitch. It was a simple operation. Information gathering. That was all it was. And she was careful. Damned careful; even Ashley and Cassie had agreed that there was no way she could have given herself away. Yet she’d been attacked twice now and the latest skirmish was more violent than even she was comfortable with.
She could handle someone coming at her with a knife, but drug cartel members and automatic rifles in the middle of Window Rock? The implications of it were terrifying. She didn’t want her family’s fear, and she didn’t want their advice. It would have been extremely nice if just one of them, just one, had realized that her terror went far deeper than theirs and it was rooted in far more than her fear of losing any one person.
Just because she wasn’t shaking and wailing in hysteria didn’t mean her insides weren’t trembling with fear now. They were, and for a moment out there all she’d wanted was someone, just one of them, to realize that she wasn’t entirely stupid or without a sense of terror at the thought of what could have happened.
Adjusting the shower water, she stripped and stepped in, almost moaning at the feel of the heated water sliding with silky warmth over her sensitive body. It didn’t wash away the fear, it didn’t wash away the hurt, but it damned sure eased the aches and pain just a bit.
Just enough that when she closed her eyes and let the tears fall, she didn’t have to worry that she appeared weak. There was no one to see the tears. But then, there never was. Even the man who was supposed to be her mate.
As that thought whispered through her mind, a brush of cool air had her eyes jerking open before they widened at the sight of Cullen, naked and furiously aroused as he stepped in the shower.
Instead of pulling her into one of those deep, drugging kisses, though, he just pulled her into his arms. One hand cupped the back of her head, holding her to his chest, as the other wrapped around her back, securing her against him.
“I have you,” he whispered, his voice low and heavy with a sense of despair.
There was no holding the tears back now. With his chest beneath her cheek and the water flowing around them, she let them fall. Silently. Painfully.
He might not agree, he might not like it, but for once in her life, she wasn’t alone.
And how in God’s name had he known she felt that way?
CHAPTER 13
From Graeme’s Journal
The Recessed Primal Breed
There is nothing more precious to the Primal Breed than his mate. And he will protect that mate with an unequaled savagery.
Chelsea came awake slowly, aware of Cullen’s hard body as he lay beside her, her head resting against his chest.
After the storm of tears had passed that afternoon, he’d washed her gently, dried her, then tucked her into bed and held her against him as she fell asleep. Exhaustion, both emotional and physical, had overwhelmed her as the adrenaline eased from her system.
She hadn’t felt fear in the moment of the attempted abduction. Just as she had when she found Louisa and when the Coyote attacked, her mind had stayed clear, her training kicking in as she fought to eliminate the threat.
It was after the adrenaline plunged that the waves of terror crashed over her.
The last time, she’d been alone. She’d held herself through the storm, her arms wrapped across her chest as she curled in her lonely bed.
She hadn’t been alone this time, though. Cullen had been there with her, and it was his arms that held her, his understanding that brought her through the storm. Now she was surrounded by the warmth of his powerful body, shielded and protected.
There were nights she’d ached for this over the years. Ached for him. Nights when she’d stared into the darkness of her lonely bedroom with a bleak acceptance that it was something she would never know.
Being here now, feeling the power and strength of him as she rested against him, Chelsea still wasn’t certain exactly how she was supposed to handle it or if she could believe in it.