"I never really thought of myself as romantic.
I mean, I like romance and grand gestures and that tipsy feeling you get when you're crushing hard on someone.
But the whole Prince Charming fantasy and marrying the love of your life wasn't my thing."
"You and me, baby girl, we're too jaded.
We just want mind-blowing sex with someone who knows we're f**ked up and accepts it."
My mouth twisted wryly.
"Somewhere along the way, I deluded myself into thinking Gideon and I could have it all.
That being in love was all we needed.
I guess because I never really thought I'd ever fall in love like that, and there's the whole myth that when you do, you're supposed to live happily ever after."
Cary pressed his lips to my brow.
"I'm sorry, Eva.
I know you're hurting.
I wish I could fix it."
"I don't know why it never occurred to me to just find someone I can be happy with."
"Too bad we don't want to bang each other.
We'd be perfect."
I laughed and leaned my cheek against his heart.
When the song ended, we pulled apart and started toward our table.
I felt fingers circle my wrist and turned my head - I found myself looking into the eyes of Christopher Vidal Jr., Gideon's half brother.
"I'd like to have the next dance," he said, his mouth curved in a boyish grin.
There was no sign of the malicious man I'd witnessed on a secret video Cary had captured during a garden party at the Vidal residence.
Cary stepped forward, looking at me for cues.
My first instinct was to refuse Christopher, and then I looked around.
"Are you here alone?" "Does it matter?" He tugged me into his arms.
"You're the one I want to dance with.
I've got her," he said to Cary, sweeping me off.
We'd first met just like this, with him asking me to dance.
I'd been on my first date with Gideon, and things had already begun falling apart at that point.
"You look fantastic, Eva.
I love your hair."
I managed a tight smile.
"Thank you."
"Relax," he said.
"You're so stiff.
I won't bite."
"Sorry.
Just want to be sure I don't offend whoever you're here with."
"Just my parents and the manager of a singer who'd like to sign with Vidal Records."
"Ah."
My smile widened into one more genuine.
That was just what I was hoping to hear.
As we danced, I kept searching the room.
I saw it as a sign when the song ended and Elizabeth Vidal stood, catching my eye.
She excused herself from her table and I excused myself from Christopher, who protested.
"I have to freshen up," I told him.
"All right.
But I insist on buying you a drink when you come back."
I took off after his mother, debating whether I should just come out and tell Christopher I thought he was a total asswipe of epic proportions.
I didn't know if Magdalene had told him about the video, and if she hadn't, I figured there was probably a good reason why.
I waited for Elizabeth just outside the bathroom.
When she reappeared, she spotted me hanging out in the hallway and smiled.
Gideon's mother was a beautiful woman, with long straight black hair and the same amazing blue eyes as her son and Ireland.
Just looking at her made my heart hurt.
I missed Gideon so much.
It was an hourly battle with myself not to contact him and take whatever I could get."Eva."
She greeted me with air kisses for each of my cheeks.
"Christopher said it was you.
I didn't recognize you at first.
You look so different with your hair like that.
I think it's lovely."
"Thanks.
I need to talk to you.
Privately."
"Oh?" She frowned.
"Is something wrong? Is it Gideon?" "Come on."
I gestured deeper down the hallway, toward the emergency exit."What's this about?" Once we were away from the bathrooms, I told her.
"Remember when Gideon was a child and he told you he'd been abused or violated?" Her face paled.
"He told you about that?" "No.
But I've witnessed his nightmares.
His horrible, ugly, vicious nightmares where he begs for mercy."
My voice was low but throbbed with anger.
It was all I could do not to keep my hands to myself as she stood there looking both embarrassed and militant.
"It was your job to protect and support him!" Her chin went up.
"You don't know - ""You're not to blame for what happened before you knew."
I got in her face, felt satisfaction when she took a step back.
"But anything that happened after he told you is entirely your fault."
"Fuck you," she spat at me.
"You have no idea what you're talking about.
How dare you come up to me like this and say these things to me when you're clueless!" "Yeah, I dare.
Your son is seriously damaged by what happened to him, and your refusal to believe him made it a million times worse."
"You think I would tolerate the abuse of my own child?" Her face was flushed with anger and her eyes too bright.
"I had Gideon examined by two separate pediatricians to look for .
trauma.
I did everything I could be expected to do."
"Except believe him.
Which is what you should've done as his mother."
"I'm Christopher's mother, too, and he was there.
He swears nothing happened.
Who was I supposed to believe when there was no proof? No one could find anything to support Gideon's claims."
"He shouldn't have had to provide proof.
He was a child!" The anger I felt was vibrating through me.
My fists were clenched against the urge to hit her.
Not just for what Gideon had lost, but for what we'd lost together.
"You were supposed to take his side no matter what."
"Gideon was a troubled boy, struggling through therapy over his father's death, and desperate for attention.
You don't know what he was like then."
"I know what he's like now.
He's broken and hurting and doesn't think he's worth loving.
And you helped make him that way."
"Go to hell."
She stormed off.
"I'm already there," I shouted after her.
"And so is your son."
* * *
I spent all day Sunday being Old Eva.
Trey had the day off and took Cary out for brunch and a movie.
I was pleased to see them together, thrilled that they were both trying.
Cary hadn't invited over any of the people who called his cell, and I wondered if he was rethinking his friendships.
I suspected many were of the fair- weather variety - great fun but no substance.
Having the entire apartment to myself, I slept too much, ate crappy food, and never bothered to change out of my pajamas.
I cried over Gideon in the privacy of my room, staring at the collage of photos that used to be on my desk at work.
I missed the weight of his ring on my finger and the sound of his voice.
I missed the feel of his hands and lips on me and the tenderly possessive way he took care of me.
When Monday came around, I left the apartment as New Eva.
With smoky eyes, pink lips, and my new bouncy layered cut, I felt like I could pretend to be someone else for the day.
Someone who wasn't heartbroken and lost and angry.
I saw the Bentley when I stepped outside, but Angus didn't bother to exit the car, knowing I wouldn't accept a ride.
It puzzled me that Gideon would have him wasting his time hanging around, just in case I might have him drive me somewhere.
It didn't make any sense unless Gideon was feeling guilty.
I hated guilt, hated that it afflicted so many of the people in my life.
I wish they'd just drop it and move on.
Like I was trying to do.
The morning at Waters Field & Leaman went by swiftly, because I had Will, the new assistant, to help out as well as my regular work to do.
I was glad that he wasn't afraid to ask lots of questions, because he kept me too busy to count the seconds, minutes, and hours since the last time I'd seen Gideon.
"You look good, Eva," Mark said when I first joined him in his office.
"Are you doing all right?" "Not really.
But I'll get there."
He leaned forward, setting his elbows on his desk.
"Steven and I broke up once, about a year and a half into our relationship.
We'd had a rough couple weeks and decided it'd be easier to let it go.
It was f**king awful," he said vehemently.
"I hated every minute of it.
Getting up every morning was a monumental feat and he was in the same shape.
So anyway .
if you need anything .
" "Thank you.
The best thing you can do for me right now is keep me busy.
I just don't want any time to think about anything but work."
"I can do that."
When lunch came around, Will and I grabbed Megumi and we headed to a nearby pizza place.
Megumi filled me in on her growing relationship with her blind date, and Will told us about his adventures at Ikea as he and his girlfriend worked on filling their loft apartment with do-it-yourself furniture.
I was glad I had my spa day to talk about.
"We're heading to the Hamptons this weekend," Megumi said as we returned to the Crossfire.
"My guy's grandparents have a place out there.
How cool is that?" "Very."
I passed through the turnstiles beside her.
"I'm jealous you'll be able to get away from the heat."
"I know, right?" "Better than furniture assembly," Will muttered, following a group of people onto one of the elevators.
"I can't wait 'til we're done."
The doors started to close, and then they slid open again.
Gideon stepped into the car after us.
The familiar, palpable energy that always coursed between us hit me hard.
Awareness rippled down my spine and flared outward, sending goose bumps racing across my skin.
The hair on my nape prickled.
Megumi glanced at me, and I shook my head.
I knew better than to look directly at him.
I couldn't be sure I wouldn't do something rash or desperate.
I craved him so deeply, and it had been too long since he'd held me.
I used to have the right to touch him, to reach for his hand, to lean into him, to sift my fingers through his hair.
It was a horrible ache inside me that I wasn't allowed to do those things anymore.
I had to bite my lip to stifle a moan of agony at being this close to him again.
I kept my head down, but I felt Gideon's eyes on me.
I continued talking to my co-workers, forcing myself to focus on the discussion of furniture and the compromises necessary for cohabiting with someone of the opposite sex.
As the car continued its ascent and frequent stops, the number of people in the car dwindled.
I was acutely attuned to where Gideon was, aware that he never took elevators this crowded, suspecting and hoping and praying that he'd just wanted to see me, be with me, even if it was only in this terribly impersonal way.
When we arrived on the twentieth floor, I took a deep breath and prepared to step out, hating the inevitable separation from the one thing in the world that made me feel truly alive.