She didn’t say anything to me.
She just smiled.
In her eyes she told me everything I needed to know.
She was safe.
She was thankful.
And she loved me.
Naturally I burst into tears, completely overwhelmed by the emotions that had been waiting inside. By the time my eyes stopped being a veil of tears, she was gone.
All that was left was the scent of her perfume and this intense feeling of calm, like the room had been blanketed with morphine.
A half-hour later I got a call from Perry.
She had seen her in her kitchen, drinking a cup of coffee.
Dex saw her too. So did the dog.
She didn’t say anything to Perry either but Perry knew it was the first time she’d really reached out to her, to tell her she was sorry.
It ruined Perry as well, making her collapse into Dex’s arms. More tears.
The next morning my dad had brought it up over breakfast.
He had seen her hovering by his window in the middle of the night.
And then my father broke down in tears.
Three for three.
He’d said that this was the first time he was ever really certain that she was in heaven. I couldn’t believe my father, the theology professor, had carried this unsaid fear inside him all this time. No wonder the grief over her death seemed to destroy him in more ways than one.
So there was that. And in my heart I knew she was safe.
The dreams stopped too, at least the nightmares did.
I didn’t see any more demons.
More importantly, I didn’t feel them.
And school has become a wonderful distraction. It feels good—it feels right—to head there nearly every day and work on something I love. It’s hard, my teachers can be frustrating at times and I know it’s only going to get more intense as the semester goes on, but I’m up for the challenge. After everything I’ve been through, this is a walk in the park.
But I still can’t say I’m happy.
Because there’s still a huge chunk of my heart missing, and the man who has it hasn’t been around lately.
I know Jay is still next door, at least I sense him. But ever since we got back, he’s been gun shy. Avoiding me. Sometimes I think I’ll catch a glimpse of him getting out of the Mercedes, other times I think I spot him through the Knightlys’ windows. I’m too afraid to go after him though.
Besides, Jacob warned me.
He showed up at the door a week ago and asked if I would go for a walk with him. It wasn’t exactly an exciting concept. For as charming as Jacob is, there’s still something about him that keeps me on my toes. He’s not malicious but he’s definitely not to be trusted. I’m pretty sure you can’t be in his position—whatever that position is, King of the Jacobs?—and not be adept at manipulation.
We walked down toward the lake, the September air feeling fresh, even though the heat of summer had yet to wane.
“I want to tell you I’m proud of you,” he’d said, flashing me that crooked smile. Even in the hot sun he was wearing a tacky 70’s suit. “I’ve been to Hell myself and it’s not a pretty place.” He paused. “We’ve been monitoring you from afar, to make sure there’s been no . . . after-affects.”
“What?” I asked. “Monitoring me?”
“Me. Jay. Casually dropping in on your dreams, getting a read.”
“Gee, that’s not totally invasive or anything,” I’d said, though my mind was transfixed on Jay. All this time he’d been watching me. He really was here.
“You should be used to it,” he said. “It’s part of who you are now. We had to make sure you came back alone, that your mind and soul hadn’t been compromised. You’re clean, Ada. And you’re ready.”
“Ready for what?”
“The next step.”
“And what is the next step?”
“You’ll know when you’re ready,” was his cryptic answer.
“Will Jay be there? When I’m ready?”
I feared the truth.
Jacob sighed, his chest rattling like it was something he’d been keeping inside for a long time. “I don’t know,” he said reluctantly. “To be honest with you Ada, I’m disappointed in the boy. There was a lot riding on this, on you, and he could have easily made a bloody mess of it all.”
“Then you know about Silas. About us.”
“Yes. I know. And I’d warned him about it, repeatedly. Some good that did. I guess there’s just enough human still in him to succumb to temptation. That’s the thing about Jacobs. We aren’t perfect. But we sure as hell should be.”
“But is he still . . . mine?”
Jacob gave me an odd look. “He’ll always be yours so as long as you need him. I’m not transferring him, if that’s what you’re wondering about.”
“You can do that?”
He flashed me a grin. “I can do a lot of things, love.”