I should have known.
He didn’t like surprises and hated when things didn’t go according to plan, which I imagined was exactly what was happening now. Clay had probably spent his flight home figuring out how he was going to handle this talk. He’d have scripted what he was going to say, but then Travis had shown up early and disrupted him, and then I’d said I was in love with both men, blowing up whatever was left of his plan.
“You say you love us both.” Clay’s body language was stiff. “What happens if one of us doesn’t want to be part of a,” he said the word with disdain, “unit?” He frowned. “You make it sound like it’s all or nothing for you.”
“Is it?” Travis asked.
The last thing I wanted was to give them an ultimatum, but I needed to be better about communicating. This wasn’t going to work if one of them walked away. My voice was hushed and broke on the final word. “I wouldn’t be complete without both of you.”
I was risking everything.
If one of them said no, that was it. There was no going back, no way to recover from it.
The mood in the room was fraught. I held my breath painfully in my body, waiting for them to choose to take this leap with me. Couldn’t they see how amazing we’d be together?
Travis reached out first, his warm fingers finding mine, and although he looked unsteady, he seemed sure. “I’m willing to give it a try.”
It sent me flying, and we both turned eagerly to Clay.
But instead of reaching out, he sat back in his seat and crossed his arms over his chest. “No.”
It was a punch to my center, and I made a sound of shock. “Why?”
For once, he didn’t like seeing me hurting and his eyes filled with concern, but they were trapped behind his glasses. “I was with you first. I brought him in because he was supposed to be temporary. You weren’t supposed to fall for him.” Then, he uttered what was truly stopping him. “That wasn’t the plan.”
“No,” I said, “it wasn’t. But I wasn’t supposed to fall for you either.”
He glared at the far end of table, unwilling to look at me or the hand I still had outstretched to him. “You’re right.”
Travis sensed I was suffering, and he gripped my hand tightly for support. Or perhaps he was suffering too. By asking for this relationship, I’d put his friendship with Clay in jeopardy. What was Clay’s rejection going to do to him?
Unexpected tears welled in my eyes. I felt him slipping away and yet was powerless to stop it. “Clay—”
“I’m sorry I can’t give this to you.” He finally looked at me, and when he saw my unshed tears, it caused chaos in him. “I wish I could, but I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to love one person, let alone two.” His posture was tense, like if he moved he might fall apart.
“Maybe I could,” Travis said quietly, “help you, like how you helped me.”
Clay’s face soured. “No. I don’t need help. What I needed was for Lilith to stick to the plan, but that’s no longer possible.” He retreated into himself, and the distance between us became too great. His tone was cool, professional, and as precise as the lines on the drawings in his study. “I don’t think there’s anything left to say.”
I slowly dragged my empty hand back toward my body, feeling like it was made of lead. But Travis seemed to be made of fire, because he let go of me and jolted forward.
“What the fuck is this?” he snapped. “You’re going to throw away what we have because you—what? Aren’t getting everything you want for once?” His expression darkened. “Is this another test? Because if you’re hoping I’m going to gracefully bow out to keep you happy, keep dreaming.”
Color rose in Clay’s face, matching the other man’s anger. “Isn’t that exactly what you asked me to do when you first got here?”
Travis’s nostrils flared. He knew what Clay had said was true, but he didn’t like it. “You’re scared. Terrified to try something new and asking for an ‘out’ before we’ve even started.”
“I’m not scared, and I’m allowed—”
“You know what,” Travis sat back in his chair and tossed his hands up in surrender, “you’re right. We shouldn’t do this. You always told me if you’re afraid of the scene, that’s a warning you shouldn’t do it.” He leveled a devastating look at the other man. “You are not ready.”
His disapproval was delivered in the authoritative voice he usually reserved for me when we were downstairs, and it fell on Clay like the roof had caved in. I understood what Travis was doing, how he was challenging the other man, but I feared it was the wrong tactic. Pushing Clay could backfire and might make him push back.