Her expression softens. “I never thought you were broken, John.”
“I know,” I whisper. “Pride is a funny thing, though. Sometimes it refuses to listen to logic. I’d see the cracks in my existence and feel weak. I wanted to be your rock, the one who you could rely on.”
With a shuddering breath, she turns her head, no longer willing to face me. “You were.”
Until I wasn’t. My fists clench to keep from pulling her close. Not yet. “I freaked out and pushed you away.”
The gentle sweep of her jaw tightens. “I know.”
“You told me that’s what I was doing, and I didn’t listen.”
“I know this too.”
God, she sounds so distant, so done with me.
My cold hands tremble so hard I have to shove them in my pockets. “I know it’s not enough, but I’m so sorry.”
Blinking rapidly, she gazes up at the sky, and the wind tosses strands of hair into her eyes. “I know.”
“Jesus, Stells.” I move closer, ducking my head to get her in my line of sight. “Stop saying ‘I know’ and—”
“And what?” she snaps, glaring. “What am I supposed to say to make you feel better?”
I blanch, horrified that she’s right. My shoulders slump. “I deserve that. That and more.” Slowly, I reach out and gently tuck back a lock of her hair that’s been dangling over her eyes. I need to see those eyes; they hold my world. “I love you.”
The impact of my words makes her visibly flinch, and she looks away, giving me her profile. She seems so small just now, delicate as fine crystal. Which is weird, because Stella has always seemed unstoppable to me. Her strength, her light—she can take on the world and own it. She owns me.
I can’t stop myself from touching her—the tips of her penny hair, the sweet edge of her jaw. “But that isn’t enough, is it?”
“No.” The word drops like a stone.
I’ve never faced rejection. Stella has only been rejected.
I shove my hands back in my pockets and keep talking. “The second the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them, wanted to take them back. But I didn’t, couldn’t. It’s hard sometimes, getting out of my own head.”
“John …” She takes a deep, unsteady breath like she’s going to speak but then abruptly stops. Pearly white teeth dig into her bottom lip. When she speaks again, her tone is wary. “Why am I here?”
A lifetime of evasion tells me to charm her. A smile tries to grow on my lips, but I’m don’t let it bloom. I’m nervous as hell and worried I won’t be able to take away her hurt, or get her to understand, but she deserves straight honesty.
“I don’t need you to fix me, Stella. I need you for everything else. I need your smiles, your laughter. I need you to be my best friend, my lover, my all. I need to take care of you, touch your skin, make you dinner, give you pleasure whenever you’re in need.”
I lean in, emotion clogging my throat. “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I’d happily spend the rest of my life trying to be the best thing that has ever happened to you too.”
My speech ends with the sound of kids laughing in the background and a distant horn blaring. Stella blinks at me, her eyes glassy, her lower lip caught in the snare of her teeth.
“John …” Her voice breaks for a second. “That’s all I ever wanted. I wanted to take care of you too, not because I thought you are weak or messed up, but because I loved you and wanted to spoil you that way.”
My heart turns over in my chest, threatens to jump the fuck out of my body. “Button …” I reach for her but she takes a step back, holding up her hand.
“It’s hard for me to trust,” she says. “I’ve never been able to do that before you. And then you go and …” A tear slips free, and she inhales sharply like she’s pissed she showed any vulnerability. “What’s to say you won’t do it again?”
“I won’t,” I say swiftly.
Another tear escapes. “But how do you know? You panicked, and your first instinct was to cast me aside. How can I take that risk?”
God. I have no answer; I just know I won’t. I might mess up in other ways, but I won’t leave her. I can’t. But that won’t work for Stella. Pressure builds along the backs of my eyes and in the hollow of my chest. I dig my fists deeper into my pockets. “I don’t know what to say to make you stay.”
She nods, tears running freely down her smooth cheeks. “I don’t know if there is anything you can say.”
We stare at each other, and I feel the space between us growing. Had I hurt before? This is worse. This slices through my skin and crushes my hope. I won’t get over the loss of Stella.