How many times has he had to be strong for those that he loves?
Even once is enough to make me wish I could change everything in the world to keep him safe and happy.
“Mom?”
Tinley wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand, and in desperate need to let her know I’m still here, I offer her a box of tissues from the side table.
“Nanny is really sick.”
“But the doctors are making her better, right?”
Tinley shakes her head. “No, baby. The doctors can’t fix her this time. The medicine they gave her for the cancer didn’t work.”
“So, they try something else,” he bargains, unwilling to accept what his mother is trying to tell him.
“There are no other treatments.”
“Because we’re poor.” He turns his head, glaring at me, the accusation clear as day.
“No.” With a soft hand on his cheek, Tinley turns his face back to focus on hers. “The doctors did everything they could. She’s had the best medical care that’s available.”
I know that’s a lie, but I appreciate the olive branch she offers me in such a terrible time.
“She’s going to d-die?” Emotion clogs his throat.
“She will no longer be in any pain.”
His eyes glaze over before tears stream over his lashes. He looks away, and I know that effort and the anger at wanting to be brave but failing. I experienced it many times growing up. I hate that he’s going through it now.
He’s stiff at first when Tinley pulls him against her chest in a hug, but it only takes seconds for him to melt into her embrace and begin to sob.
“I want to see her.” His words are muffled against her shirt, but the pain he’s feeling is obvious.
Unable to maintain the distance, I cross the room and sit on the other side of him, placing my hand on his back and praying he doesn’t lash out at me in an effort to release the anger that has to be pumping through his body and filling his head with urges to expel it any way he can but knowing his mother doesn’t deserve it.
He stiffens at first but doesn’t shove me away.
I meet Tinley’s gaze over his shoulder, giving her a quick nod and smile when she mouths, Thank you.
Tinley holds him as she explains that Brooke will be transported back to the house tomorrow and placed on hospice. The explanation dives deep when she has to explain what hospice is and the services they provide, making me realize that just because Alex is street smart there are many things he still doesn’t understand about how the world works.
They sit, talking for over an hour as I listen. Neither of them defers to me. He doesn’t ask questions, and Tinley doesn’t involve me, but I don’t feel excluded until Alex, having worn himself out, stands from the sofa, explaining that he’s going to bed, before walking out of the room without acknowledging me at all.
I do my best not to take it personally, but it still hits me hard. I wouldn’t say the lack of his attention is a step back, but it’s definitely an eye-opener to just how far we still have to go.
The second Alex’s bedroom door closes, Tinley’s shoulders slump forward, small gasps of pain escaping her lips despite pressing her fingers to her mouth to keep him from hearing her.
On instinct, I wrap my arms around her, pulling her to my chest the very same way she did Alex.
She lets it happen, letting herself yield to my touch without hesitation. I’m hit instantly with memories, with emotions, with want and need and everything in between.
I breathe her in, letting myself get lost in the familiar scent of the lotion she used so many years ago as I rub soothing circles on her back.
How have I gone without this for so long?
I’m hit with the loss of her all over again, the need to rush out of here and get drunk for days straight like I did last time almost becoming unbearable.
Explaining why I did what I did back then to Alex was hard. They’d be impossible to explain to Tinley without confessing how I’ve always felt. How much I’ve missed her since my eyes tracked her walking into this very house. How I regretted the words the second they left my mouth, how I never stopped loving her.
Even as angry as I am now for the lies, I love this woman. I don’t see a future that ends with us being together and happy, but I’ll never love another the way I love her. That truth makes me want to sob the way Tinley is right now in my arms.
I clear my throat, making her stiffen in my arms as if she’s just now realizing who has been holding her while she broke down.