“But the people who hurt the most after the ones with the diagnosis? Their loved ones. I never showed her my sorrow, because I didn’t want her to have any more of a burden to bear. I knew her sadness and fear was tenfold more than my own. She was already suffering more than words. What kind of asshole would I have been if I told her that I was hurting, too? Instead, I cried in my car. Before work. After work. During my lunch break. Whenever I had a chance to fall apart, I’d fall. I’d fall apart because the woman I loved, the woman I cherished with all of my heart was slipping away from me and I had no control over it.”
He took a deep breath and clasped his hands together. “Please believe me when I say, I know the fears you have with Aaliyah. When I met your mother and found out about her past run-ins with cancer, I hesitated just like you. I thought what if it comes back? What if she leaves me sooner than I’d hope? What if I have to go back to that part in my life of falling apart in my car again? The what-ifs are the worst part of it all, because there’s no way to truly ever know.”
“How did you get past it?”
“With her smile, with her heart,” he said effortlessly as if loving my mother was the easiest thing to do. “You don’t meet a woman like your mother and skip the chance of happiness because of the fear of loss. No, you dig your feet in deeper. You hold on to her tighter because you know her love will be worth it, time and time again. I realized that I couldn’t live my life, waiting for the unknown, but I had to take the leap. Besides,” he breathed out a cloud of hot air and smiled. “What kind of lucky bastard like me gets to fall in love with two extraordinary women in his lifetime? If life needed a reason for existence, love is the solution.”
Damn.
I really wanted to hate that guy.
“I already messed things up with Aaliyah,” I said, feeling gloom and doom about the whole situation. Fuck, I missed her. I missed her so much that I didn’t even know how to cope. I didn’t know my heart could do that—I didn’t know it could keep shattering into a million pieces each day that passed. It was my own fault for pushing her away, too. Due to my struggles. My fears. My past.
“Do you love her?” Danny asked.
“Yes, I love her.” That was the first time I’d admitted it. It was the first time I’d allowed those words to leave my mouth even though they’d been sitting heavily in my chest for weeks.
“Does that scare you?”
“Terrifies me.”
“Good.” He nodded. “Sometimes you have to be afraid of the things you love in order to make sure you don’t ever lose them again.”
“She’s already gone. I can’t even blame her. I’m the asshole who pushed her away when she was struggling the most.”
“Do you think she loves you, too?”
I nodded slowly. “I believe so. I hope so.”
“Then it’s not over. When two people love each other, you work through the pitfalls. You fight for one another. You don’t give up. Now, just figure out a way to prove to her that no matter what, no matter when times get hard, that you will not run anymore. From the sound of it, this poor girl has been abandoned in her life. Prove to her that you’re here to stay.”
The next morning, I woke up feeling even more exhausted than the night before. Perhaps drinking half a bottle of whiskey with my newfound friend Danny-boy wasn’t the greatest idea, but at least I wasn’t drinking alone.
“Connor! You have a visitor!” Mom hollered through the house, making me groan.
My head was pounding as I pulled myself out of bed and headed to the living room. A small, broken smile hit me as I looked up to see a familiar face.
“Hey, kid,” Jax said, frowning. He slid his hands into his oil-stained jeans. “Heard you were in town.”
“My mom called you?”
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “She said you were going through some major shit.”
“Yeah.”
“As you know, I’m not really good with dealing with emotions and stuff…so how about instead, we go old school and you join me on a plumbing job this morning?”
“Like the good ole days?”
“Yup. Come on. I made you a protein shake.”
I grimaced. “Can we just grab some donuts?”
“Never. Go get dressed fast, will you? You’re late.”
I hurried off and went to get ready. About fifteen minutes later, I was hopping into Jax’s passenger seat and I instantly was transported back to when I was seventeen-years-old, having my daily drives with him. Sometimes I wished I could go back to that time period, just so I wouldn’t have to feel the way I felt today.