“You can’t just make up name meanings, Kennedy.”
“Sure I can. That’s what all the old people did when they decided yours meant son of Jack.”
He folded his arms for a minute in deep thought and then shrugged. “Okay, Jaxson means hero even though I don’t think I’ll ever be able to save anyone.”
“Give it time. You have to grow into your name, as my dad always says. Chin up—you’ll get there.”
“Yeah, okay.” He scratched at the back of his neck. “By the way, thanks for helping me last night.”
“No problem.” I stuffed the last piece of my bar into my mouth and wiped my hands on my pajamas pants. “So, tell me something exciting about yourself.”
He raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
“You know, something cool about you.”
“Oh. There’s nothing cool about me.”
I started laughing and shoved him in the shoulder. “You’re so funny, Jax.”
“I wasn’t kidding. I’m not a cool person.”
“Everyone’s a cool person. Even the uncool people.”
“Kennedy, that doesn’t even make sense.”
“You don’t always have to make sense. Tell me something. What’s something you like?”
He cleared his throat and brushed his thumb down the bridge of his nose before pushing his glasses up. “I guess I like big words that mean different things. My mom and I are always searching for big words to show each other and to learn the meanings of. We even made a Pinterest board to tag our favorite big words.” He wiggled his nose. “It’s kind of stupid.”
I gasped and clapped my hands together. “It’s not stupid! No way! Big words are so cool! I don’t know many big words other than so—phis—ti—ca—ted, so maybe you can teach me.”
For a moment, his eyes lit up. “Are you serious?”
I nodded. “Yup.”
“Well…what kind of words do you want to know?”
“I don’t know because I don’t know them, silly. How can I know what I want to know if I don’t know them?”
He laughed nervously, and at that moment he became even more handsome. “Oh. Right.”
“Just tell me your favorite.”
“Oh gosh, there are so many.” He was beginning to talk more and more, and I liked that about him. I liked how he started to open up to me. “Like, clinomania!”
I gasped and clapped my hands together. “Oh! I love it!”
“You don’t know what that means, do you?”
“Not at all!”
He laughed again. “It means a strong desire to stay in bed. My mom has clinomania after every weekend when she has too much wine.”
“It sounds like your mom and my mama would be best friends. What’s another one?”
“There’s solivagant.”
“Oh, yes, yes. Solivagant. Very nice. That’s also one of my favorite words now.”
He smirked. “It means someone who wanders alone. Kind of like me. I keep to myself a lot.”
“I do, too. Most people think I’m too weird to be friends with, so I’m a solivagant, I guess.” I frowned a little, thinking about how sometimes when I wandered, I got lonely without my family around.
“Not right now, though,” he said, nudging me. “Because you’re not wandering alone. You’re with me.”
My lips turned up. “Yeah. I’m with you.”
He kept telling me different words, and I kept listening. His mumbles were getting a bit louder, to the point that they weren’t mumbles at all, and then when he’d laugh loud enough, I swore every bird would dance to his sound.
“Hey, Jax?”
“Yes, Kennedy?”
“You want to be my best friend?”
He scrunched up his nose. “You don’t just ask people to be your best friend. That’s not how people get best friends.”
“Oh.” I frowned and scratched at my tangled hair. “Well, how do people get best friends?”
“I don’t know. It just kind of happens.”
“Oh.” I pulled out my roll and began feeding the birds as they dived down like addicts. “Hey, Jax?”
“Yes, Kennedy?”
“Do you just kind of want to happen to be best friends?”
He sighed. “Okay, Kennedy.”
My cheeks heated up and I looked down at the birds chewing up the rolls. “I always wanted a best friend.”
I couldn’t hear him too clearly, because Jax Kilter liked to mumble, but I thought he said the words, “Me too.”
“Now we can be solivagants together,” I said.
“Uh, that cancels out the whole point of solivagant.”
“Shh, Jax. Just let this happen.”
He smiled, and muttered, “Okay.”
12
Kennedy
Present day
Rain, rain, go away, please take Kennedy’s anxiety away.
It rained for two more days, and my body was aching from no sleep. When I tried to close my eyes, I’d see flashes of my past within my eyelids. If I did fall asleep, I’d have nightmares.
Nothing was working. I’d tried every sleeping pill known to mankind. I’d done almost every sleep meditation on the internet, saged my house, taken bubble baths, watched The Office ten times over, and still, nothing.
The pounding of the rain on the house was growing more and more intense with each passing day. I had officially been living on Chinese food takeout and pizza delivery. Not my proudest truths, but it was where I was in my journey. On top of the rain, I hadn’t left the house since my panic attack. Honestly, my body had been going through waves of emotional exhaustion. When I’d awaken from my nightmares, I’d be stuck alone with my own hellish thoughts.