She nodded. “First time working directly on the heart, if that’s what you mean.”
“I didn’t prepare you. I didn’t warn you.” I stepped toward her and put a hand on her shoulder. “That’s my mistake. I should’ve been up front about it.”
“Did you know you were going to let me do that?”
“No,” I admit. “In the moment, it felt right, but that’s not fair, is it? I can’t know if you’re ready without asking you first.”
She turned back to me. “It almost sounds like you’re a reasonable human being when you say it like that.”
I smirked slightly and brushed my knuckles across her cheek. It was a stupid thing to do—too intimate with far too many implications—and yet she turned her chin toward me, almost pulling my hand back against her.
“I’m difficult, but I’m not a monster. I don’t want to push your boundaries if it’s not going to help.”
“I appreciate that.”
“From now on, I’ll inform you before letting you take over a procedure. We’ll go over exactly what you’ll do and how you’ll do it, and we’ll make sure you’re ready. Is that a deal?”
“That’s a deal.”
I dropped my hand away, and it was like pulling my fingers away from something sweet. I didn’t want to, and some part of me resisted, but I knew I couldn’t keep pressing this relationship, not in the hospital at least.
And yet every time I was around her, I had one singular thought and emotion—pure, simple desire. I wanted to find her boundaries and take her much further than she ever imagined. I wanted to taste her, see her stripped down, feel the way she moaned and writhed. It was impossible to keep my mind from roaming up and down her body, and it was getting to the point where the distraction was affecting my work.
I had to find a way to turn that off. Neither of us could afford it, not right now.
“Go take a break for a while,” I said, stepping around her. “Find the other residents if you want. I know you’ve been hanging around that group.”
“Their attending actually teaches them.”
I laughed and waved as I walked away. She had to know what I was thinking and what I wanted, and yet she didn’t pull away. I saw it in her eyes, whenever I came close, that same need reflected back.
Sooner or later, I knew I’d break down. I only had to make sure that when I finally took what I wanted, it didn’t ruin everything.
13
Lori
I beat myself up for that near-fatal mistake for the next couple weeks.
Despite his initial reaction, Piers was surprisingly good about it. He walked me through that surgery the next day and showed me each step in painfully exacting detail. We practiced it, over and over again, until I felt like I could do it in my sleep.
Then we did another surgery, and another, and another. Soon, he was running me through more complex procedures, showing me step by step, every single slice and stitch, every suture and clamp. We went from barely spending any time together, to spending a little time together, to spending every single spare second in whatever room was available studying video and talking technique. I was the more intense training I’d ever had, even more intense than my med school days, and he seemed to thrive on it.
It was like someone threw a switch. He went from constantly grouchy to strangely excited and encouraging. Each little mistake was met by ten ways for me to improve, but never in some demeaning or belittling way. He was kind and firm, but not mean.
I expected him to be cutting. I figured a guy like him would treat me like garbage until I either figured it out on my own, or gave up and left him alone.
That didn’t happen though. It was like he made some decision inside of himself, and threw himself into our relationship with a strange vigor.
I walked home one evening after a particularly long and frankly very boring description of a simple stent placement procedure, going over the motions in my head, like Tetris pieces falling into position. I swerved around a corner, dodged a group of young teens in school uniforms, and came face to face with Ted the private investigator.
He gave me a big smile. “Evening, Dr. Court.”
I walked right past him. “Not interested.”
But unfortunately, he didn’t let me scape, and fell into step. I hadn’t seen him in a few days, and was starting to hope that he’d lost interest, or had moved on to a new case.
“My employer wants to meet with you.”
That made me slow down. “Robert Tippett wants to see me?”
“Right now, if you have the time. He’s in a cafe nearby.”
“What does he want?” I stopped and faced him, arms crossed over my chest, trying to keep my heart from racing out of my body.