I did just that.
Gripped tightly, hoping it would hurt. Hoping it would be more painful than fucking pleasurable, because I felt nothing but dirty doing this. Jerking off over a woman I wrongly wanted.
In my shower.
Like a fucking teenager.
When I came, the rush was purely hormonal.
I scrubbed myself again right after, like it would wash away the feelings on the inside.
It didn’t.
***
“Dad?”
I paused.
“Dad?”
Looked over my shoulder. Nothing.
“Dad!”
Still nobody in the doorway.
“Dad! Dad! Daaaaaaaaaaad!”
“Are you dying, Zac?” I yelled back at him.
“No!”
“Are ya bleeding?”
“No!”
“Well, then why are you shouting?”
“Daaaad! I have a question!”
“Then come and ask me!”
His groan was so loud I heard it right across the house. His stomps, too. They increased in sound until they finally stopped and he appeared in the door of my small office.
“What are you doing?”
I minimized my browser window and spun around on the computer chair to face him. “Was that seriously your question?”
He shook his head, his wild hair flying everywhere. “No. I was just wondering.”
“What’s your question?”
“Is Lola coming back tonight?”
“Uh, no.” I raised an eyebrow. “It’s my day off. No work today. Same for Perrie. Why?”
He shrugged nonchalantly. “I was gonna make my bed if she was coming.”
“Zachary,” I said slowly.
He sighed and dropped his lanky frame onto the small armchair in the corner. Picking at a scab on his knee, he muttered, “It was nice to talk to a kid like me.”
I leaned forward and gently tapped his fingers away from the healing cut. “What do you mean, a kid like you?”
“With one parent.” He folded his hands in his lap and looked up at me through a curtain of unruly curls. “You know. Does that make you mad?”
“Mad? Why would it make me mad?”
“Because talking about her always makes you angry.”
“Talking about your mom doesn’t make me angry, Zacco. It makes me upset because you don’t have her anymore.”
He blinked at me. “Do you miss her?”
“Sometimes,” I answered honestly. “But not very often. Do you miss her?”
His eyebrows drew together, causing little creases to form on his forehead. “I’m not sure. She was never really here, was she?”
“Not really.”
“Can you miss somebody you don’t remember very much?”
I leaned back in my seat. How did I answer that? Could you? Did you miss the person or what they were? Did he miss having a mom although she’d never really been one for him?
“See. Now, you’re angry.” He gripped the edge of the chair and shuffled to stand up.
“I’m not angry.” I got up and crouched in front of him. “I don’t know how to answer that question. I’m sorry. I don’t know if you can miss someone you don’t remember. I wish I could answer it for you, though.”
“Oh. Okay.” He eased up on his grip on the chair and relaxed back down. “Lola said she didn’t miss her dad because she couldn’t remember him. So, I thought maybe that’s why I don’t miss mom.”
I dragged my lower lip through my teeth. “Maybe. That could make sense.”
“I think that’s right. Can Lola come back to play soon?”
“We’ll see.”
“Aw, that always means no,” he huffed out and got up.
“It doesn’t always mean no!”
“When has it ever meant yes?”
Shit.
“That,” I said slowly, “I’m gonna have to think about.”
Zac stuck his tongue out to the side and wrinkled his eyes up in a silly face. “See? Never.”
He disappeared before I could come up with a retort, but either way, the kid was right.
“We’ll see” had never meant no.
But maybe, this time, it meaning yes wouldn’t hurt.
Chapter Ten
Perrie
The man had gone and lost his goddamn mind. That was the only explanation for the text message that had flashed up on my screen. Never mind that he was the last person I wanted to see today—his proposal was completely ridiculous.
Adrian: Zac wants to hang out with Lola. Do you want to take them for dinner somewhere?
Did I want to take my kid to dinner? Sure. With him and Zac? Zac I could deal with. But Adrian?
No way.
No. Way. Jose.
Last night we’d gotten too close. He’d been too all-up-in-my-business for me to be comfortable with this…whatever the hell this was.
We were strictly business. We were supposed to be strictly business. Meeting outside of that was inappropriate.
Me: I’m not sure it’s appropriate for us to hang out.
His response came quickly.
Adrian: We won’t be. Our kids will be.
Me: Not happening.
I’d barely put my phone down when it rang, flashing his name up on screen. I ignored it, pushing it closer to the wall and turning to the coffee machine.
“Moooooommy! Your phone’s ringing!” Lola called from the other room.
I sent the call to the robotic message lady. “Thank you, Lo. I’m right here next to it!”
It rang again when I pushed the button.
“It’s interrupting my show!” she shouted.
“It’s interrupting my sanity,” I muttered, watching as the coffee dripped down into the glass.