It was comfort and home.
It was everything that was supposed to mean my future.
And it was full of pain.
I bit down on my lip to keep the tears at bay when they blurred my view of the large window before me, and forced each breath in through my nose and out through my mouth.
Breathe in, Lily.
Breathe out.
He pressed his forehead against the back of my head, inhaling sharply when he felt the tremor I wasn’t able to suppress.
“Lily,” he said softly, his voice as rough as it’d always been.
I’d always loved his voice. The gravel behind every word, whether it was seductive or filled with malice.
“Lily, don’t cry.”
“I’m not,” I whispered, but he knew.
“Everything I do is for—”
“Me?” I asked, choking on a laugh. “Sending Conor away was for me?”
Kieran didn’t tense. He didn’t give any indication that he was surprised I knew. Probably because he wasn’t.
“I thought you were gone,” he said after a moment.
No excuses. No explanations.
That wasn’t his way.
“I thought you were gone, and it would’ve been my fault. I would’ve walked through hell to bring you back to me.”
Sadly . . . I wouldn’t put it past Kieran to try to accomplish that task.
“Don’t you understand I don’t want that?” I asked, then tried to turn in his arms to face him. When he stopped my movements with his firm hold, I begged, “Let me face you.”
“Lil—”
I huffed, the sound bordering on a frustrated growl, and ripped myself out of his arms to get off the bed. Once my feet touched the floor, I turned, meeting his lethal stare from where he now stood directly behind me.
That look would terrify anyone else.
But I knew the emotion hiding behind it. I knew the shock and hurt.
“I never wanted the man who would pick a fight with the devil to bring me back to life. I never wanted the man who would lock me up and treat me like a prisoner instead of loving me as his girlfriend. I never wanted Nightshade, Kieran. I wanted you.”
He stood there, still as a statue while he waited to see if I would continue.
“If you want to beat yourself up over what happened last week, fine. I can’t talk Conor out of doing it either. And according to Beck, you’re still beating yourself up for what happened to Aric.”
The slightest twitch in Kieran’s jaw and his fingers was the only indication I’d hit home, but I didn’t stop.
“But if you haven’t noticed, I’m here. I’m still here, Kieran. I don’t need you to tighten security on me. What I need is for you to have been there the last four years. I needed you to take me away like we planned. I needed you to talk to me after I came back last week, not give me an order then disappear for nearly a week. I’ve needed you to love me and to let me love you in a way that is real—”
“You think I don’t love you?” he asked suddenly, shock and rage fighting for dominance in his voice.