There was a whole lot of I in that last sentence, and Noah wasn’t sure that boded well.
But he put a brave face on, and nodded. “Sure, sweetie. Whatever you need. We’ve got plenty of time.”
The relief on the other man’s face was painful to see. “Great. And could you not call me stuff like, you know, ‘sweetie,’ unless we’re alone? I like it, but it’s just . . .”
Noah stared at him, a shard of agony stabbing his guts. “Too faggy for a macho wolf like you?”
“No!” He pulled out and moved off Noah, sitting up, and shoved his long hair out of his face. “You don’t get it.”
Noah sat up and scooted around on the bed to face him. “So you keep saying. Tell me so I do understand. Help me, because I’m flying blind here, and the hot-and-cold routine is really starting to wear me down.”
“I’m sorry.” He fell silent for so long, Noah wasn’t sure he’d continue. But when he finally let it all out, a lot of what had been holding Nix back became clear. “My father was every bit the raging homophobe you described, and so much worse. He made my life hell growing up.”
“He must have, to fuck with your head to the point where you can’t accept who you are,” Noah said softly.
“You have no idea. My mother left us when I was about four or five. I don’t remember much except begging her not to go. Then there was just me and my father—he was never a dad. A dad loves his family. Not this bastard. He was a mean sack of shit, and nothing I did ever pleased him. Maybe it’s because he knew what I was.”
Noah waited. Nix needed to say it on his own, without interference. It was clearly tough for him to admit out loud.
“I’m gay, Noah,” he said quietly, staring at the bed covers. “Always knew it, and I’m sure he did, too. But I also knew he’d kill me for admitting it, and so I did my best to be the athletic, butch son he could be proud of. I played sports, fucked girls, drove a cool car. I messed around with a boy or two, but I was careful as hell not to let anyone find out in case it got back to my father. When I graduated high school, I joined the Navy faster than you can say sign on the dotted line because it got me away from that asshole.”
“I get all of that. But, you were gone at that point. You could do what you want, right?” As soon as the words left his mouth and he saw Nix’s sad smile, he realized how stupid they sounded.
“Wouldn’t it be nice if life worked that way? It doesn’t. ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ was still the rule in the military back then. Yeah, I had a couple of hookups with guys when I was on leave and that’s when I really knew I was gay, you know? That was my first real chance away from home and that bastard to find out about myself. But anything permanent? No. I don’t have to tell you how badly that would’ve been received, especially while I was with the SEALs. That part of my life was on hold.”
“And even if it hadn’t been, there was your dad’s influence hovering, always in the background,” Noah guessed.
“You’re exactly right. My old man’s warped beliefs, his hatred of anyone different, have been a cancer on my soul for as long as I can remember. I’m not ashamed of being gay at all. I want you to know that. But before I left home, he told me something that terrified me, and I’ve never forgotten it.”
Noah took his mate’s hand in silent encouragement as Nix went on.
“He said that if he ever got word that I’d given in to my ‘unnatural’ urges, he’d hunt me down and also kill my partner. He said he’d take us out in the woods somewhere and make me watch while he skinned and gutted the guy, then he might put a bullet in his brain to put him out of his misery. If he begged.”
“My God! What an evil son of a bitch! I’m sorry, but . . .”
“No, I couldn’t agree more. Then he said he’d let me go so I’d have to live for the rest of my life with the knowledge of what I’d done. What I’d done! Me!” He gave a bitter laugh, shaking his head.
“Nix, are you sure your father is still alive? You’ve been away from home for a decade.” Any hope that the evil bastard might’ve passed away in the years since vanished at his mate’s next words.
“He’s still alive. I keep tabs on him. After our SEAL team was ambushed by the werewolves in Afghanistan seven years ago and turned, he was told I was dead—that’s what all our families were told. But my father has always been the suspicious type. Without my actual body, he’s asked a lot of questions, and the fewer answers he’s received the more curious he’s gotten.”
“That’s fucking scary, if you don’t mind my saying.”
“You’re telling me.” He squeezed Noah’s hand, staring deeply into his eyes, expression earnest. “Now do you understand why I’ve been so messed up about coming out? About claiming you openly, and a
bout public displays of affection? I’m not afraid of loving you, Noah. I’m afraid of the consequences should that mangy excuse of a human being ever learn about you. He’d make good on every threat and not bat an eyelash in sympathy. I can’t let anything happen to you.”
“Nothing’s going to happen to me. Not only do I have you to protect me, but both of us have an entire Pack of wolf shifters, plus a Sorcerer and a Fae prince at our backs.” He grinned. “What could one human man possibly hope to accomplish against an army like that?”
“Well, when you put it like that, it sort of makes my fears sound stupid.” He shot Noah a wry smile.
“Not stupid at all. Caution is healthy, but when fear is allowed to take over your life? That’s a problem, my mate.”
“Yeah, well, that fear has had a lifetime to become a problem,” Nix said in disgust. Then he shook his head. “I don’t want to think about my old man anymore. In fact, we both need to get our minds off unpleasant stuff for a while.”
“I thought we just did?” Noah smirked.
“You know what I mean, you sex fiend.”