"You're a wonderful mate. It wasn't your fault. I shouldn't have said anything."
"No, you should have." He skims his finger along my jaw. "If something bothers you, we should speak of it. There must be no secrets between us."
Easier said than done, especially if your secret is bound to make your mate miserable. I don't point that out, though. I just watch him, since he keeps staring at me so very thoughtfully. Is he…going to break up with me, I wonder? What happens in that situation? I know the sa-khui have the concept of pleasure-mates, but that goes out the door once resonance kicks in. The only unhappy resonated couple I've seen are Hemalo and Asha, and I've been told there's a lot of messy history there.
"Where did you go?" I ask, reaching out and touching the damp tip of his long braid.
"I walked to gather my thoughts."
"Ah." I'm afraid to ask. I'm really afraid to ask.
Dagesh is quiet. The moments seem to tick past like hours, and I worry he's steeling himself for something awful. Finally, he speaks. "May I ask you something?"
"Of course. I'm your mate. You can ask me anything."
"How did you know this was what you liked?" He gestures at the furs. "This roughness?"
Oh. I sit up, the furs falling from my body. I'm wearing one of his heavy tunics, one that he rarely wears because the cold doesn't bother him like it does me. It smells like him, and wearing it makes me feel closer to my mate. His gaze moves to my body and I know he notices what I'm wearing, too. "Well, I didn't at first. But sex was not all that exciting for a long time. Then I met a guy that was in the lifestyle—that's what they call it back on Earth—and it was like a piece of the puzzle slid into place.
Dagesh looks surprised. "Then our mating was not your first time?"
"Not at all. I had my first time when I was fifteen. Young, but I was a bit of a teenage hellion." I give him an awkward smile. "I've had several relationships since then." I bite my lip, worried he's going to be jealous or upset. "You thought it was my first time? Are you disappointed?"
His shoulder slump. "Relieved. When we first came together, I thought…I was rough with you. I thought I hurt you. I was upset with myself for not being more attentive to your needs."
I lean forward, putting my hand on his knee. "I loved being with you like that. Was it a little rough? Yes. Did it bother me? Not at all."
"I bruised you."
I chuckle at that and extend my arm. "See this? I bruised myself earlier when I stumbled while picking berries. And yesterday I bruised here." I point at a different spot on my arm. "This was because I smacked my elbow against the cave wall. I bruise, Dagesh. I bruise at everything. It's not because you hurt me. That's just how my body works." I shrug. "And if something gets painful enough, I go see Maylak and ask her to heal it. It's really not a big deal."
My mate licks his lips. He takes my wrist in his and then runs his thumb lightly over my lower bruise. "Hurting you goes against everything I believe a good mate does. But I spoke with Jo-see and she said it is not about hurting, it is about consent."
I'm startled to hear the words coming from him. Josie talked to him about consent?
Oh mercy, I could kiss her right about now.
There's a knot of hope and worry forming in my throat. I swallow hard. "Consent is the biggest part of it. It's knowing the other person's boundaries. What feels good for them versus what is too much."
"And what feels good for you?" He studies me so very intently.
"I like…" I want to laugh, because what I like is so very tame in a lot of kink communities, and yet he's panicking at hurting me. "I like being dominated. I like it when you're rough with me. I like hair pulling and spankings. I like it when you take your pleasure instead of giving it. I like it when you boss me around and bend me to your will."
Dagesh puts his hand in my hair, gripping a handful of it, and I hold my breath. He pauses and then releases me again. "Jo-see said we should have a word."
She really is the best. I make a mental note to do something special for her. "Yes, most couples have a word. It's one you don't normally say in conversation, because if we're playing together and I say 'stop,' sometimes it doesn't mean stop. It means I'm playing at wanting you to stop. But if I say the random word we've established, like 'bicycle,' then you know that I'm not having fun anymore and it's our cue to pause things. Does that make sense?"