Fuck.
I actually meant what I just said, and it scares the living fuck out of me. I meant that I might be better off putting a bullet through my thick skull. Getting rid of all the bullshit I’ve turned into.
Putting myself out of everyone’s misery, including my own.
“Emmett, when you’re past this point in your life and the alcohol and self-doubt are gone, you’ll realize just how selfish of a thought that truly is. And how extremely cruel it is to every single person around you,” Bear says as he shifts in his seat to face me.
“Fuck man, I mean…” I try to say, but he cuts me off.
“I know what you mean, we’ve all had those moments in our life. Everyone has. But it’s only a moment. You see your life as over. You lost your best friend and you don’t have any family.” He stops and pauses but only for a moment. “But like I said, you’ve got obligations.”
“Which are?” I ask with all the weariness I feel.
Not answering me, he asks a question instead, “Who else is suffering with this in their life?”
I’m not up for games, but I try to think outside of my own little corner of hell for just a moment.
And I don’t like any of the answers I come up with.
“Yeah, I can see it on your face, you thought of who pretty quickly,” Bear says.
“What am I supposed to do, man? I don’t have the answers he needs.”
“I got a feeling it’s not about the answers, Emmett.”
* * *
The rest of the drive is at moments uncomfortably silent and then at others absurdly silent. I’m not the type that likes to talk anyone’s ear off, but right now I can’t think of a single thing to say.
The big fuck beside me doesn’t bother talking either, and I almost wish he would lay into me just so I could get out of my own head.
But that doesn’t happen. No, I’m stuck with my own sober thoughts, and it just reminds me that I’m a fucking deadbeat drunk.
With a bit of shakiness, I turn off the engine and sit here, letting the sun bake us inside my Jeep. I don’t really want to get out of the car, but I sure as fuck don’t want to die in here either, suffocating with Bear beside me.
Being completely honest with myself, I’d rather live than die with his big ass beside me.
“Want some advice?” Bear asks as I make no move to exit.
“Sure,” I grunt to him.
/>
“Leave everything in this Jeep, all the emotions and all the baggage. Get out of the car, don’t stare at the ground, and keep moving. Shit’s going to get real, soon, and you need to get your brain out of the stupor you’ve let it stew in all these months,” he says before opening the door and climbing out.
Fuck, that asshole is big. The fucking Jeep rocked when his weight left it.
Snickering to myself, I open my door and try to shake away the headache I feel coming on. It’s going to be a long day one way or the other.
“Something funny?” Bear asks with a tilt of his head.
“Only to me, big guy,” I grin, and for the first time it doesn’t feel fake to me.
“Let’s get in there, we’ve got a bunch of young up-and-comers doing some exhibition bouts today. We need to see who’s got that little spark of fire,” Bear says and heads into the gym.
Thank fuck it’s not me fighting today. Looking down at my body, I feel ashamed of how I’ve let myself go.
Only today, I promise myself again, I just have to make it through today.