I furrow my brows. “You think she was hinting for me to ask for her number?”
“I was two seconds away from giving her my number. That’s how thick she was laying it on.”
“Well, I’m not looking for a relationship anyway, so it’s best I don’t give her the wrong idea.”
“You gonna stay single forever?” she challenges.
“I hope not, but…” I shrug, not finishing that thought.
“Look, I’ve always rooted for you and Katie, you know that,” she says, which is true. Gemma knew I had a crush on Katie and encouraged me to tell her, but I refused. “But Katie might need a little…push of encouragement.”
“A push? What do you mean?”
“Goodness, Noah. Did they not have enough oxygen circulating in prison or something?” she scolds, and I roll my eyes. “Perhaps if she saw another woman pining over you, she’ll remember what an amazing guy you are and what a great friendship you two once had. Maybe she’ll be scared to lose you and finally admit her own feelings…” She shrugs with a devious look on her face.
“Ohhh…you want me to play into some high school bullshit? Got it.” I grunt, shaking my head. “I’m too old to play games, Gemma.”
“It’s not a game, per se. It’s showing her that you have a lot to offer. If she acts jealous or mad that you’re seeing someone, then you’ll know how she really feels.”
“I’m not gonna lead someone on just to see if Katie gets jealous.”
“It’s not leading her on if you’re innocently playing baseball with her son.” Gemma smirks as if she’s just come up with the most brilliant plan of her life. “And what’s the worst that could happen? You could actually like Brittany, or Katie could finally get her head out of her ass. Either way, it’s a win-win for you.”
“I think your pregnancy hormones are sucking the life out of your brain cells because you’ve lost your goddamn mind,” I retort, finishing my sandwich. I’m ready to get back to work and avoid continuing this pointless conversation.
Gemma snickers. “Mm-hmm. Just wait and see, big brother.”
Once I’m back at the gym, I get right to work and lose myself in my thoughts. Though I gave my sister shit for her not-so-great idea, I wonder how Katie would react to seeing me with another woman. I didn’t date much in high school, mostly because I was always hanging out with Katie. The rare times I did go on dates never led to anything serious.
As I glance around and look at the wood currently covering the front window, guilt floods me again. Tyler will never blame me, and I appreciate that more than I can say, but I feel like even more of a burden now. The last thing I’d ever want to do is damage the reputation of his new business, especially before it even opens.
Not to mention, no thirty-two-year-old man wants to be living at his parents’ and starting over. The guilt of Gemma visiting me every month was so intense that I nearly told her to stop coming even though I knew she wouldn’t listen.
They don’t exactly give you therapy in prison, and going-back-into-civilization counseling isn’t something offered, so the anxiety and depression I feel on top of everything else leads me to believe I’ve developed some sort of PTSD. The trauma of what happened to Gabe and me landing in prison affected everyone in my town, especially my dad and sister. I’ve lived with the guilt of that night for ten years, and no one, not even my family, can convince me I deserve a happy life when I took another. Falling in love and starting a family would be a dream, but a part of me doesn't believe I’ve earned it while the other part desperately begs for a fresh start.
Honestly, it’s like living in a broken home inside my head. One side of my thoughts always blames the other, and they’re always fighting. It’s quite exhausting, which is why it’s best to keep myself occupied so I don’t have time to think about it.
Dad’s suggested I find a therapist before I was released, and I’ve been thinking about it though I’m hesitant. I was never good at expressing my feelings or sharing my thoughts, which is exactly why Katie never knew how I felt.
A part of me always wondered why that was.
It brings me to thoughts of my late mother, who I lost at a young age, and I wonder if having a woman figure in my life would’ve helped me be more open. My father did the best he could raising us alone, but he wasn’t expressive either. We didn’t discuss deep personal issues, and my sister was the quiet one out of us all. It wasn’t until she started to visit me in prison with Tyler that I saw her outgoing personality.