“I convinced myself you were better off without me,” he said, his voice heavy, thick. “I pushed myself to the point of mental and physical exhaustion so I didn’t have to think about anything but being a soldier. Fighting. Serving my country. I entered a special unit. I was never in the same place more than a few nights at once. And I saw it destroy the few men who tried to have relationships. How could I ask you to endure that life? But I’m up for reenlistment, Jen, and I don’t have to go back.” He laced his fingers around her neck. “I love you, Jennifer. I don’t know if I can be the man you need. I don’t know if you even will allow me to try. But I want to be.”
The longing in his voice, the hope glistening in his eyes, washed over her. All the sorrow faded, became nothing more than a leaf fluttering in the shadow of a tree with years of history. “I love you, too,” she confessed, her voice a rasp of a whisper. “But leaving the Army is a big step. You did so much good last night. You are amazing at what you do. Don’t give that up for me. I’ve loved you since I met you. I can love you between missions.”
“Getting out of the Army is purely selfish,” he said. “In between missions isn’t enough for me. I’ve had seven years of living out of a duffel bag, watching people die, trying to keep it from happening. I have enough nightmares to last me a lifetime. I’m ready to get out before they take over.”
“What will you do?” she asked.
“I have an idea or two floating around in my head.” He wiggled an eyebrow. “Women like firemen. Maybe I’ll be a fireman. I bet we can have fun with a few ‘hot’ fantasies.”
Jennifer laughed. “We can do that without you actually working for the fire department though.”
“Ah, yes,” he agreed, kissing her neck and then whispering in her ear. “We might have to go the fireman route tonight.” His breath tickled her neck and sent a shiver down her spine.
“I’m not over the hot soldier fantasy yet,” she said.
He leaned back. “One hot solider coming up,” he said. “After we go pick up a cat named Ella. We should hurry.” He lowered his lips near hers. “Maybe we’ll get married and get Julie a sister.”
She sucked in a breath. “Bobby.”
He smiled against her lips. “I like it when you say my name.” And he kissed her. Jennifer wrapped her arms around him, but even as she sank into the reassuring feel of his arms around her and holding her close, she knew there was still a barrier between them. A wall that could only come down when she knew nothing, and no one, could push his buttons and make him run again.
“Since we’re all about the past being put to rest, and a bright shiny future,” she said. “Why don’t we get the meeting with your father out of the way? Ella is only about twenty minutes from his place.”
Instant tension crackled off him but he was too smooth to even move an eyebrow. “No need to ruin a great day,” he said and gave her a quick kiss, setting her away from him to open his door. “I’ve decided visiting my father is like giving him control he doesn’t deserve.” He winked. “Giving you control is much more fun.”
16
BOBBY SETTLED INTO THE driver’s seat, all too aware of Jennifer’s piercing stare as he started the engine. He wanted a future with Jennifer. He damn sure wasn’t letting his father mess it up. He was crazy to have ever considered going to see that man.
“Bobby,” she said, a reprimand threading the one word.
“What?” he asked innocently, as if he didn’t know she was still talking about his father. “I do like giving you control.” He put the car in gear. “You’re very sexy when you’re feeling empowered.”
“You know very well I’m talking about your father,” she said, glaring at him.
“You, I give control to. Him—he gets none.” He pulled the rental to the edge of the driveway. “Straight shot up I-35 to San Antonio, right?”
“Right,” she said. “And don’t change the subject.”
“Since when is asking directions changing the subject?” he asked, enjoying the combative response, and the cute way her voice lifted when she was mad, despite his father being the source of her frustration. He regretted ever suggesting they go see him.
“You know very well San Antonio is a straight shot up the highway,” she said. “What other way is there?”
Bobby opened his mouth to remind her he’d been gone seven years and she held up a hand. “I don’t want an answer. Not to that question. To this one. You said you wanted to see your father. You need to see your father. It’s been a long time.”