A blank expression came over his face. “Absolutely. I’m glad we’re on the same page, that it meant nothing. Let me ask you something—was the no-condom thing also planned?”
I felt my chest tighten and tears sting at the back of my eyes. Either he truly hadn’t been affected at all by what we’d just shared, or he was a damn good actor. He was looking at me with no expression on his face, but I’d seen the hurt in his eyes…and I’d never be able to forget it.
This was what you wanted, Merit.
Words wouldn’t come. This wasn’t what I had wanted. I wanted to open my mouth and tell Dirk it had meant something—hell, more than something—and that it hadn’t been planned. That the raw desire I had for him was very real and not at all put to rest. That I was still just as much in love with him as ever.
I quickly turned my head and stared out the passenger window as I answered him. “No. If you think I’m the type of woman who does that, then you never knew me at all, Dirk. I was caught up in the moment, just as much as you were.”
“I don’t think you’re that type of woman, Bugs.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and quickly wiped a tear away, praying he wouldn’t notice.
I cleared my clogged throat and forced the words out. “After my closing tomorrow, we have the christening to go to. If we have time, I’d like for you to meet me at the bank after the christening. Then we can wire transfer the money you deposited into my account back into yours.”
He started the truck and slowly began to back out.
With a voice barely above a whisper, he said, “If that’s what you want.”
I nodded and pressed my lips together tightly in an attempt to keep my voice calm. Of course I wanted to give him his money back, but ending this night like we were felt so wrong. “It is. I appreciate you trying to help, but I don’t need to be saved.”
“Yes, you’ve made that pretty damn clear.”
Silence filled the truck as Dirk drove me back to the farm. He pulled up to the front of my folks’ house and came to a stop. When he didn’t put the truck into Park, I knew I had made the worst mistake of my life by lying to him earlier. By pretending that being with him had meant nothing more than just sex.
I glanced over and saw my car parked there.
“I called Michael and asked him to get it for you.”
Without saying a word, I opened the truck door, only to have Dirk reach for my hand. An instant rush of energy zipped through my body, and I prayed he didn’t hear my swift intake of air. It took everything I had not to turn and throw myself into his arms. But I would never let him see that side of me ever again. Not when I knew he would never want the same things I wanted. That he would never truly want me.
“Merit, wait.”
I stilled but didn’t dare look at him. With my eyes squeezed shut, I remained silent.
Then he let go of my hand without saying a word.
I jumped out and quickly made my way to the front door. Once I opened it, I stepped inside and swiftly shut it without so much as a backward glance.
When I could no longer hear his truck, I covered my mouth with my hand and slid down to the floor, crying like I had never cried before.
My mind drifted in and out of the conversation around me, and I toyed with my food while Kaylee, Lincoln, and Timberlynn all spoke. They talked about the christening, a Fourth of July party Stella was hosting in a few weeks, and a reception for Timberlynn and Tanner since they’d had a small wedding.
“Merit? Are you okay?”
Lincoln’s sweet voice pulled me from my thoughts.
I forced a smile. “Sorry, I was thinking about my to-do list on the farm.”
Kaylee rolled her eyes. “Boring. All of this talk has been boring. What I really want to know about is what happened between you and Dirk two weeks ago.”
I felt my mouth drop open as I stared at her. “What do you mean, what happened? Nothing happened! Why would you even think anything happened?”
Lincoln and Timberlynn both laughed, and Lincoln said, “Don’t even bother trying. If there is one thing you should know about Kaylee, it’s that she’s up on all the gossip, all the time. She has a way of finding out things without people even knowing they’re filling her in on something.”
Timberlynn nodded. “It’s crazy insane how she knows things.”
Kaylee shrugged and rubbed her swollen belly. “What can I say? It’s both a blessing and a curse, this gift of mine. Now, you were seen by multiple people being carried out of the Blue Moose. And my source says you had at least four shots of whiskey. Brock came home early, according to a casual conversation with Lincoln, and your brother picked up your car because you left with Dirk.”