“This is pointless, Dirk. What does it even matter anymore? Why do you even care?” she asked.
I grabbed her arms and squeezed lightly, wanting to shake sense into her. Why couldn’t she see why I cared? How it had eaten me up for years that I had hurt her like that?
“I fucking care because I hurt you, Merit. You’re the last person on this Earth I would ever want to hurt. I will admit, I thought about her before we made love. But the minute I touched you, I didn’t think about her again. Only you. I only thought about you.”
Merit tried to push me away, but I pressed her back against the building again.
“No, listen to me. I need for you to hear this. I was confused about all these feelings I had for Kacie and for you. I wanted you, Merit. That weekend at Libby’s party, when I finally broke down and took you into the bathroom, I wanted to tell you how I felt about you, but I didn’t want to lose our friendship. You meant everything to me, Merit. You were my best friend.”
“So was Kaci,” she whispered.
I shook my head. “The feelings I had for you were different. And yes, I thought about her before I agreed to make love to you, but it was more of realization kind of thing.”
She looked away and tightly closed her eyes.
“I swear, though, when I was with you, Merit, it was only you. Please believe me.”
She opened her eyes and stared off at nothing. “Have you ever called another woman her name?”
“No, never.”
Merit’s throat bobbed with a swallow. “Well, I guess I’m the lucky one, then.”
“Merit, please stop.”
She twisted and stepped away from me.
“You explained yourself, Dirk. Now maybe we can put this behind us.”
“I miss you, Merit. Can we not be friends again?”
Her chin trembled slightly, and she pressed her lips together tightly for a few moments before she answered me. “No, we can’t.”
I closed my eyes. “Do you want me to get on my damn knees and beg for your forgiveness?”
“No,” she whispered as I looked down at her once more. “All I ever wanted from you was you, and when I finally had you all to myself, I realized that I never really had you at all,.” She shook her head. “That was a very naïve way of thinking. I should have known it was too good to be true. For you to want me like I wanted you.”
Tears flowed down her beautiful face, and I fought the urge to reach up and wipe them away.
“Merit, I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I said, my voice sounding strange to my own ears.
She nodded and wiped her tears away again. “Well, I was the stupid one.”
“Damn it, no, you weren’t. Merit, I…I couldn’t promise you anything then. I was lost and confused, and if I could go back and have that moment over again, I…I…”
“You what? Wouldn’t have had sex with me?”
Before I could tell her that I’d never regret what we shared, a car horn honked and Merit jumped.
“Merit! Oh my goodness, it really is you! You’re back in town! And look, you’re with Dirk.”
I wanted to groan internally when I saw Lucy Mae. I knew damn well this had not been the first time Lucy Mae had seen Merit.
With a roll of her eyes, Merit turned to Lucy Mae. “Hey, Lucy Mae. I guess you forgot that you saw me in the grocery store last week.”
The other woman had the nerve to frown as if trying to remember. “Did we? My gosh, I don’t even remember.” Her eyes swung to me. “And what exactly are the two of you doing out here all alone?”
I shot her a dirty look. “Whatever we’re doing is none of your business, Lucy Mae, so why don’t you keep on driving.”
Her mouth dropped open in surprise. “Well, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. And here I was going to say how nice it was to see you back in town. Have you two…made up?”
“Lucy Mae, did you need something, or are you simply looking for gossip?” Merit asked.
This time the woman laughed. “Fine, enjoy the rest of your evening, you two.”
I watched as Lucy Mae drove off. When she turned the corner, I reached for Merit’s hand and quickly said what I meant to before Lucy Mae interrupted. “Merit, I will never regret what happened between us.”
Her eyes searched my face, and for some reason, I wanted to hear her say the same words. When she didn’t, I couldn’t understand the feeling in my chest. It burned, and my throat felt tight. Did I want something more than friendship back? Did I want more? Why did my heart suddenly feel like it was torn in two?