She was mine.
She was all fucking mine.
I held out my hand. Dolly walked to me and slipped her hand into mine. I led her through the back door the guard had told us about. The skies were clear, save for a sea of stars, as we got into the car and pulled back out onto the country roads. I had placed my jacket over Dolly to keep her warm. Her responding smile seared my black heart. Another brand on the tally of how many times she made my chest ache.
I left the lights off as I drove. A ballad came through the speakers as we sailed through the silent night. Dolly’s words spun in my head. About the man and woman in the movie. About the stars and the blanket. The lack of blood and roughness . . .
Glancing across at Dolly, I saw she was fast asleep. A small smile was on her lips as she dreamed, wrapped up in my coat. Black covering color. Exactly how we were. My darkness polluting her light.
But there was no other way. I couldn’t be without her. I would never let that happen. It was just the way it now was.
Taking my cell from the console, I brought up Chapel’s number. He answered on the third ring.
“Young Dapper Dan,” he said. “To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?”
“How do people fuck?” I asked, careful not to wake Dolly from her sleep.
Silence greeted me. Then, “Mostly not as you do, I would hazard a guess.” I frowned. Chapel sighed. “Romantic gestures, young squire. Most intimacies are born from romance. Soft touches. Kisses. Gentle strokes of hair.” I listened in silence. “One would start by gifting the lady with a present, something that will make her happy. Bring out a smile. Then romance—a meal, a night out . . . a slow dance.” I looked at Dolly again as I turned right onto another road. Onto the path of the man who hurt my girl most of all. “Clothes would be removed by the other, savoring each touch from their lover. They would take it to their bed, or some other place that was comfortable for what was to come.” I swallowed as Chapel continued. “Then they would make love, Dapper Dan. Not fuck. No aggression. Nothing untoward, just him and her. Joined. Intimate. Slow. Sweet kisses and sensuous strokes until they are brought to climax.” My hand tightened on the wheel as I tried to imagine how that could be. I couldn’t even conjure up the image.
“Then the man, being the gentleman that he is, would hold her close in the aftermath. And if his heart so felt it, tell her that he loves her.”
I froze, completely froze.
“Dapper Dan?” Chapel said. When I didn’t speak, he asked, “You do love your little Dolly darlin’, do you not?”
“Love?” I questioned.
“Cannot imagine your life without her in it? Would kill if anyone hurt her? Would die if you ever lost her? Can’t breathe or sleep without seeing her face?”
My pulse thundered in my neck as I looked at her again. All of them. I had all of those. What was Rabbit without his Dolly?
Chapel spoke. “You should tell her, young squire. That is something young women tend to enjoy hearing.” A pause. “You are on your way to the penultimate kill?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“The ace in the pack, if I remember correctly?”
My lip lifted in disgust. “Yes.”
“Then, if memory serves, a declaration of love may be welcomed after Dolly darlin’ takes him on. Meeting the ghosts of the past, especially one that was more than instrumental in your demise, can play havoc with one’s emotions.” He exhaled heavily. “Just a thought.”
I hung up without saying goodbye. Chapel’s explanation of fucking throbbed in my brain. I looked up at the stars above. It was under the stars. The moon was so big. And . . . and he told her she had his heart. He told her he loved her . . .
Fuck the stars, I thought when my eyes fell back to the girl beside me. The only one worthy of my attention. Of my eyes.
They are all entirely bonkers! she had said on a strained laugh. But I knew my little Dolly. If they were “bonkers,” she wanted to be bonkers too.
The ballad ended, so I rewound the cassette and played it again. Romance. The slow, soft song playing seemed appropriate to Dolly’s wants. To how I felt about her.
I drove until the sun began to rise, cresting over the horizon, the word “love” still playing havoc with my mind.
Cannot imagine your life without her in it? Would kill if anyone hurt her? Would die if you ever lost her? Can’t breathe or sleep without seeing her face?
Love, I thought. A word so alien to my vocabulary, yet it seemed I had lived with it in me since the age of nine. Love. Not deep enough to describe my feelings for Dolly.