Each night I'd drop by the park at the end of his practice. Increasingly, upon seeing me, his gaze grew stronger, his grin deeper. All mention of kissing lessons or Alec was history--just as Alec himself was history. I hadn't so much as texted with him in a couple of weeks. I totally had to 'fess up to Hayes about all that, but I was waiting for the right moment, something that showed he'd be up for a smooth transition to a legitimate couple.
But fate had other plans. Following a day spent helping my parents prepare for a garage sale, I'd arrived at the park later than usual. Hayes was pacing in hard circles on cement, a scowl etched in his brow.
"You fucking lied to me, Maddie!" No pause, no segue, just naked-ass truth. "Alec said you aren't even together."
My heart jumped to my throat. "You--you talked to him?"
"Yeah, I talked to him." He raked a hand through his hair. "He came by here earlier. To run the track, but I thought the worst. I went over to him, to try to smooth things over, only to have him act confused, then laugh, and be like, 'Dude, no worries. I'm not with her.'"
I opened my mouth to try to cover my tracks, but anything but the truth sounded ridiculous, even in my own head. "I'm sorry."
"He said he hasn't seen you since before school let out."
I grimaced.
"You're not denying this?"
"I really did have a couple bad dates with Alec a month or so ago, but I never cared about making things right with him." It felt a lot easier to look at the dusty cleats on his feet than at his face. "It was all about you. You and Willa had broken up. It was summer, and I was seeing you every day at the pool. Plus, I heard you telling Mrs. Puglisi that you were taking a break from dating, so I figured maybe you wouldn't mind passing the time with me."
"You tricked me." A flinty glare transformed his eyes. "Figuring what, I'd never find out?"
"I--I was going to tell you," I asserted, my voice quavering.
"When?"
"When it felt right."
"Oh, and what would be the right time to tell a guy he got used for his body?"
My blood ran cold. "Wait a minute; I didn't make you do anything you didn't want to do."
"No, you didn't. And that's the worst part. I let you use me." A muscle jumped in his jaw. "Thing is, I felt for you, and what you were going through at home, and how you weren't sure if you were with the right person. I was trying to help. While you were using me, and probably laughing your ass off about it with Linzee."
"No." I stomped a flip-flop on the pavement for emphasis. "No! I was into you. I--I still am, more than ever."
He turned.
"Please, Hayes," I said, feeling I could neither breathe nor swallow. "Can't we talk about this some more? I'm really, really sorry. I mean, maybe we could just start over."
"Start over?" He pivoted toward me, his eyes on fire. "Sure, that we can do."
I drew a decent breath.
"Let's go all the way back to being strangers."
TO MY HORROR AND shame--and probably some other things I was too horrified and shamed to name--Hayes kept to that resolution for the rest of the summer. He ignored me.
"I think he'd put Nana on his shoulders for a chicken fight before he'd choose me," I'd griped to Linzee during our back-to-school shopping trip. "Or Zelda," I added, referring to his very pregnant stepmother.
"It's as if he's developed the superpower of invisibility when it comes to you, Mads. Like, he can look right at you and not see you."
Almost. Except we both knew what Hayes did see when his eyes happened upon me. A liar and a user. I wasn't those things, of course--not really. What I'd been was stupid. Desperate. And in love. (Which I was coming to understand often went together.)
The evening after the first club meeting, I called Linzee as promised. She'd expec
ted dull-as-dirt club talk, and I pretty much knocked her socks off with the updates on Hayes.
"Okay," she told me, "knowing he's with Jenny is the worst and the best thing that ever happened to you."