‘You hit your sister?’
‘Shocking, isn’t it?’ Bella whispered, lifting her hand to her mouth. ‘I even shocked myself with that one. I’ve wanted to call her but I don’t know if she’ll even speak to me.’
Zafiq sighed. ‘You were upset, Bella—’
‘That’s no excuse. Basically, I blew it. And the worst of it was, some paparazzi low life had wormed his way into the party and was standing outside the door. So the next day it was all over the tabloids, and that’s how Zoe found out.’ The guilt was like a heavy weight, crushing her, and her hands were shaking as she forced herself to confront the issues she’d been avoiding for weeks. ‘I didn’t want her to know at all, and in the end she found out in the worst possible way. Because of me. I’ll never forgive myself for that.’
‘It wasn’t your fault that the press had gained access to a private party—’
‘It was my fault.’ The tears scalded her throat. ‘I know what the press are like. Better than any one. They’ve followed me since I was a child. If I’d been more guarded—but I’m not. I find it impossible not to just say what I’m thinking and I gave them what they wanted. I gave them the shots and I gave them the stories. And this was the story of the decade. My father thought I’d done it on purpose for the attention. That’s why he banished me.’
‘Did it occur to you that your father might have sent you to the Retreat to protect you?’
Bella gave a bitter laugh. ‘No. He sent me there to punish me. He knew that being on my own with my guilt would be the very worst thing. If I’d stayed at home I would have partied, got drunk—just tried to forget about it. He forced me into a position where I had no choice but to think about what I’d done. And I deserved it.’
‘You’re extremely hard on yourself. You found yourself in a situation that no one would have found easy.’
‘Olivia thought it was black and white.’
‘Life is never black and white.’
‘Especially not in the desert. It’s all red and gold.’ Trying to lighten the atmosphere, Bella wiped her cheek with the palm of her hand. ‘Do you know the funny thing? I’ve actually grown to love it here. I love the fact there are no press. I love the fact that people aren’t bugging me to attend their parties just so they get in the newspapers.’ She blushed. ‘That sounds boastful, but honestly, it’s what people do. They invite me to places just because they know the press will follow.’
‘And you never know who your real friends are.’
‘I guess you know that feeling.’ She looked down at herself, noticing the splash of mud on her cream jodhpurs. Even without a mirror she knew she must look a mess. ‘Do you realise how great it has been to know that I can muck out a horse and appear all hot and sweaty without having to worry about seeing myself on every front page tomorrow?’
‘Didn’t you like being on the front pages?’
‘I suppose I must have done for a while,’ Bella admitted, feeling her cheeks redden. ‘To start with, I liked the attention. I felt as though people loved me. And then I realised that of course they didn’t love me.’ She gave a twisted smile because it was hard being that honest with herself, let alone with him. ‘They liked watching me slip up. Bad Bella. But I’m not Bad Bella here. I’m not corrupting your brother, or your sister, or any of your staff, although I don’t blame you for thinking that—’
‘Rachid is half in love with you.’
‘Only half?’ Bella grinned through her tears. ‘I must be losing my touch. Maybe I need to wash my hair more often.’