'Of course you didn't know—you wouldn't have married me if you had. But don't worry, mistrust and suspicion did what complete neglect couldn't' Even as she spoke she was suddenly unsure whether her words were actually true. Part of her knew they should be comforting each other through this hard time, not hurting each other.
Ethan turned on his heel and walked towards the window. He missed the quiver of uncertainty that made her lips tremble and filled her eyes with sudden doubt.
'I hear what you're saying.' She saw his broad shoulders lift and then straighten. 'I won't give you any more pain by inflicting my feelings on you, but if you change your mind...I'll be here.'
This was the point where she was meant to say scornfully, I won't. Her mouth opened but she couldn't bring herself to say the words. She stood for a long time staring out of the window after he'd gone. Ethan had said he loved her and she'd sent him away. Hadn't punishing him been meant to make her feel better? She felt wretched, and too confused by the amazing things he'd said to make sense of anything. She started crying and didn't stop for a long time.
CHAPTER NINE
'It’s Hannah, isn't it?'
Hannah looked blankly at the smart young woman in the fashionable, businesslike trouser suit for a moment. Then recognition dawned.
'Helen?' She didn't bother to disguise the incredulity in her voice.
It was hard to reconcile the image of this smart, confident young woman with the girl she had known. Helen hadn't had an easy time after she'd left the children's home.
'You look marvellous, Helen. The last time...'
The young woman grimaced. 'I know. I must have looked pretty desperate, but then turning up on your doorstep out of the blue was an act of desperation. When I saw the announcement of your marriage in the newspaper I didn't have anywhere else to go.'
It was the only time Hannah had gone to Ethan for help. She'd half expected him to be angry, or refuse, but he'd agreed to listen to the girl's story of how she'd been forced out of her bedsit by a landlord who'd been about to sell the building for redevelopment.
All Hannah had been able to think about was that it could so easily have been her standing there with no place to go but the street. 'I hope the place Ethan found you wasn't too awful. I meant to keep in touch, but things have been...' How exactly did you explain the strain of being in love with your husband?
Helen laughed. 'Are you kidding?' she said. "The trust has changed my life. They don't just provide a roof and food; they encourage you to gain skills to go out and help yourself. Listen, have you got time for a coffee? I'd love to tell you about it.'
Hannah shrugged. She was escaping; she had nowhere to go. Originally she'd thought it might be easier to think away from the house, away from everybody. It hadn't worked out that way—she'd been wandering around for the past hour, unable to string two thoughts together.
In the small coffee bar Hannah listened to her friend's description of the charitable trust that was there to help young people who would otherwise have ended up on the streets.
'I'm probably preaching to the converted,' Helen laughed as she sipped her neglected drink. "This is stone-cold. I do go on once I get on my hobby-horse. I'm sure Ethan has told you all about it.'
'Ethan?' Hannah said blankly. There appeared to be some sort of conspiracy which prevented her hearing his name. Not that her memory needed jogging—-he was constantly in her troubled thoughts. She still hadn't come to terms with his astonishing announcement.
'You're probably cursing me—apparently he's been giving them a hell of a lot of freebie legal advice at the moment, with the big legal wrangle. It's a test case, so it means a lot.' A frown gathered on her face as she looked at Hannah. 'You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?' She looked astonished and a little embarrassed. 'I just assumed that you'd know... I didn't mean to speak out of turn,' she said uncomfortably.
'Ethan's involved with this charity, professionally?'
'He did some research about them when he was looking for somewhere for me to go, and he must have liked what he found out. He's been giving them free legal advice since, and that's not something to sneeze at. Have you any idea how much a top barrister like him costs? Are you all right, Hannah?' she asked anxiously.
'I'm stupid.'
"The way I remember it, you were always the bright one at school—the teachers all wanted you to go to college.' The smile died from her lips as she saw the distress on Hannah's face. She planted her elbows squarely on the table and regarded her friend with frowning concern. 'Can I do anything? Do you want to talk about it?'
Hannah's distracted glance was darting and Helen gained the impression that she wasn't actually hearing what she was saying.