At times it frustrated her heart that she did not desire him in the same manner. She did like him, a lot. He made her laugh, and his charming and affable company was such a delight. But it was only her husband who had the power to make her ache with need from a mere stare. Except that dratted man wanted nothing whatsoever to do with her.
“May I procure you a glass of champagne, my lady?”
“Yes.”
He smiled, a hopeful tendre in his eyes, before moving through the crowd to fulfill her wish. The piece the orchestra had been playing had ended, and then another waltz was announced to the delight of the throng. A dark yellow turban crossed her line of sight, and she stiffened. A few matrons standing on the sidelines made it their duty to glance in her direction, then back at the owner of the feathered turban and scandalous yellow dress. The last ball she had attended, her husband had only danced with that woman, Lady Felicity Mclean, and society had taken note.
Unable to bear the loud laughter, the clink of glasses, and the sudden stifling heat of the overcrowded ballroom, Daphne pushed through the crowd, almost running to reach the terrace doors. She escaped onto the balcony, taking great gulps of fresh air, grateful there was no one else present. She lifted her face to the stars, appreciating the beauty of the night. A rustle sounded, and she spun on her heels.
Lord Redgrave moved toward her and handed her the glass of golden liquid.
“Thank you, my lord.”
“Daphne.” He tugged at his cravat, a grimace twisting his handsome features. “Please leave with me tonight.”
She would have to be polite and firm for both their sakes, though if she were honest with herself, he did not rouse a fierce passion within her. Though she longed to be held and kissed, it was not his arms she envisioned around her, nor his touch she wanted dipping in the valley of her bosom. No, late at night, when she allowed her questing fingers to tentatively explore her body…she always imagined the shadowy figure of her earl.
She hadn’t felt anything in so very long, and Redgrave had tried, except his smoldering intensity left her unmoved. Sadly, she was simply a marble effigy. Had she ever felt desire? It was a startling notion to contemplate. For a while, she had been infatuated with her husband, but he had done nothing to deepen their attachment in all the years they had been married. Six cold and lonely years, devoid of any touch or mutual affection.
Her throat burned, and the yawning chasm loomed once more. Six years, and she’d kept every desire and passionate wish buried beneath the surface of her skin and played her role of Lady Carrington to perfection.
No more.
However, if she left Lady Cantrell’s ball with the viscount, the scandal sheets would surely mention it, and she would eventually have to give an account to her husband. Not that he was a man inclined to gossip or reading the scandal sheets, but he had a network of spies through all of London, from the highest lord in society to the poorest beggar found in the slums of London. His ravens, his loyalists, those who lauded him for his honor and his courage. Sylvester was one of the few powerful lords who fought with such resilience for slaves, who had made enemies as he publicly lent his support to end the barbaric practice, and he had survived at least a dozen assassination attempts. Or so the rabid rumors declared. He was a man admired and feared in equal measure, and it distressed Daphne to realize she similarly regarded her husband.
Remembering Redgrave was still waiting for her to say she’d leave with him, she said, “I cannot.”
“The scandal sheets will speculate it was the presence of Lady Felicity who caused you to flee. Nothing more, I promise.”
Consternation bit deep. “Was I truly that obvious?”
“I fear you were. You know what the rumors say.”
She did—several months ago there was gross speculation that her husband had found himself a mistress. He had danced with Lady Felicity, which had been shocking, for he had never danced with his wife in all the years they had been married. She recoiled from the memory of her shattered pride, how heavy her heart had felt, and how she had wept that night into her pillows.
“Daphne, darling, let me make love to you.”
She darted a glance at Redgrave from the corner of her eye. “No,” she said firmly.
“Blast it! Why are you so loyal to him when you are clearly discontented?” He thrust his fingers through his hair. “Daphne, darling, you smile, but your eyes are blank. You dance in my arms, but your thoughts are miles away. You gamble quite recklessly, and I think sometimes it is to draw his attention.”
She stared at him in mute shock. “I…I do not think of Carrington.” Redgrave’s sigh implied he knew she fibbed, and a mortified flush crawled up her neck. “We should return inside.”
“Come home with me, Daphne, please. It’s been several months. I want you, desperately.”
“Your persistence does you no credit.” Normally Redgrave respected her decision, except for the few times he allowed passion to overtake his common sense. Like now.
Death would indeed be a blessing if she were to ever succumb to her loneliness and Sylvester discovered her infidelity. Discretion in the ton was a myth. Her earl was reputed to be one of the most powerful, honorable, and ruthless lords in all of London.
“I am hoping for a divorce from Carrington,” she said softly, whispering the damning truth for the second time. She had confided in her dearest friend, Georgiana, the Duchess of Hardcastle, now Viscountess Montrose, only last week of her impossible ambitions.
“You wish to have a divorce?”
“Yes.”
Redgrave stiffened, an almost eager light entering his eyes. “Is he beating you?”
As if that would be enough. A man could beat his wife as if she were merely chattel. Parliament would only take note if it was excessively cruel physical punishment with a very heavy burden to prove it and then it would be hideously expensive as well.
“How absurd. Carrington is honorable,” she said, then took a deep breath. “He would have to be the one to divorce me, and perhaps there is a way to encourage my earl in that direction.”
“Daphne, darling, the scandal would never be overcome, and have you considered the cost to your reputation?”
What she’d considered was her emptiness, and that she felt shackled to a life she no longer desired. In truth, she had never aspired to such elevation. Her father had wanted her future secured, and she had been eager to marry for love. Her romantic dreams had been frivolous. Now there were so many things she craved, and perhaps if she were bold enough, they would be unlocked to her. She had enough wealth to move to France or Italy and live a life that was free from society’s expectations. Perhaps she would eventually remarry. Perhaps.
She did desire a life of contented bliss with a lover, eventually a child to cradle in her arms and love. About two years into her sham of a marriage, she had thought Carrington’s desire for an heir would eventually drive him into her arms. But he had shown no inclination to come to her bed. His needs were being satisfied elsewhere, and she had been too much of a coward to find out who was his mistress. It had been a relief no rumor had surrounded the topic until recently.
“Daphne…I…I do not believe I could marry you after the scandal of a divorce. My family would be most displeased,” Redgrave said, wariness settling on his face.
She could not help it, she laughed. “Do not be absurd, my lord. If I should ever be so free, I promise you, I would never exchange one cage for another.”
He scowled. “What are you saying?”
“I am not interested in the bonds and shackles of matrimony. I’ll remarry no man, and if I do eventually remarry, it will be my desire and on my terms.”
His expression cleared, and a relieved smile curved his lips upward. “I’ll set you up as my mistress, very discreetly, of course.”
“I’ll be no man’s mistress, either, Lord Redgrave,” she said softly. “I like you, and if I do decide to be your lover, that is all it would be. I do not need to be any
one’s mistress. My father ensured I was wealthy in my own right.” Society would hardly welcome her again, even if she could rely on her true friends to not cut her.
“You will not regret taking me to be your lover. I promise I will adore you forever, Daphne,” he said with earnest desperation. “Please, darling, come home with me to my townhouse tonight. Let me prove my adoration to you.”
“No.”
His lips tightened, and frustration flashed in his eyes. “I’ve been waiting for months for you to come to my bed.”
“I’ll not dishonor my vows,” she said softly. At least not yet… If she were to commit to her ruinous plan, she risked so much more than just her reputation, and that decision could not be taken lightly.
“Your husband does not want you,” Lord Redgrave said with raw force. “He is never here to dance with you, take you to the opera, stroll with you in the gardens. I am here, and I have been for months. Why do you give him fidelity and honor when he gives you nothing?”
Oh, the pain of it almost felled her.