“Honesty, Katherine. That must never be compromised between us. Now answer my question.”
She uttered a tiny spurt of laughter. “I believe many, if not all, women have such yearnings. I, too, desire to have a large family, but I do not define my hopes and dreams by it.”
Children…a boy, a girl…maybe two more or six. Alexander’s heart jerked in pure, startled joy at the visceral images of a boy and girl running through the halls chasing puppies, of Katherine laughing as she chased after the rowdy bunch. She would be just as sweet and informal as his mother had been. Even more so, for she did not seem to be the kind of woman impressed by society’s dictates.
His Katherine would be…
His mind blanked. My Katherine? No…not my Katherine…never mine.
Suddenly he felt unsteady again, the old needs roaring to the surface.
The anguish of all he had lost and would never regain broke through the hollow grave he’d buried it in so many years ago. Once that ugly loss had haunted him like a specter, cutting daily into his flesh anew with wounds that felt as if they would never heal. He wanted to roar, for he’d defeated this loss of hope, had stomped it into the earth, had triumphed, had seen some small flashes of light in the darkness. He had held on for so long, hiding in the emptiness, but now it was revealed that hard-won peace and contentment with his lot was only a mirage.
“You make me hope,” he snarled low and dangerous. “Like a goddamn idiot, you make me pray, you make my throat burn with the need to scream and beg God to give you to me, to treasure, to worship…to love until the end of my days.” He had to close his eyes to control his ragged breathing.
“Alexander….”
“I will not love you, nor will I ask you to stay,” he ground from between clenched teeth.
She had gone very pale.
“Eventually the need for more will eat at your soul, and I could never bear to see you so unhappy and unfulfilled.”
He could not allow her to own his soul, for his fragile world would fall apart.
…
Pain washed through Kitty in waves, making her breathing choppy, the fight to hold back her tears impossible. God, it was ridiculous to feel this profound sense of…hurt, and desperate, tearing loss. No promises had been made, and she had been the one to allow improbable dreams to fester deep in her heart. Yet every sigh, kiss, and illicit touch had communicated such passion and want. “Do you deny there is something between us?”
His expression closed. “Do not be silly. There cannot be, for I have nothing to give you.”
The chilling finality in his tone cut her heart in two. She rested her forehead against his and closed her heart against a buried desire. “I can live without children. Our life can be rich and incredible in so many other ways, my darling.”
He jerked as if she had punched him in the gut.
Every muscle of his body appeared rigid and locked in place. “I would never do that to you,” he said fiercely, his eyes flashing with dangerous ire and need. “I am not that damnably selfish to confine so bright a treasure as you to my lonely existence. Family means so much to you, Katherine; you placed your reputation and future at risk for them. You came here, not knowing what I would demand from you, for them. I could have been a dastardly villain who would have seen you only to ruin, ravishment, and scandal, yet you came. You are fearless and boundless, and that is how you should live your life in every way. None of what you are should be caged or contained, by you, me, or anyone else.”
Kitty’s heart skipped a beat and then another. “I would not be lonely… You would not be lonely… We…we would have each other, always.”
He reached out to brush a strand of hair from her neck. “It is more than that. I may never be able to make love properly, and certainly not with the frequency a woman of your lush passion deserves. Nor would I even be able to give you the full joys of pleasure that a man can give his woman. You are a flame, Katherine. A burning wonder whom I cannot cruelly hurt with my desires.”
“No…no, Alexander. Do not decide for me! Do not try to silence the passion in my heart for you. We will make the best of our situation, and I shall not be unhappy at all,” she vowed fiercely.
“Your naïveté is truly remarkable,” he murmured icily. “Our…engagement has ended, Katherine.”
Her lips opened and then closed soundlessly. A chill trembled through her. “How do you know we cannot be happy together?” she snapped, anger and loss tearing through her, for she could feel his conviction, see that distance growing in his eyes. “You simply decided that we cannot work, without trying. I did not think you a coward!”
“Katherine—”
“Are you afraid of living because you are terrified to face pain and loss again? Are you?”
“Do you dare?” he snarled, his eyes flashing a dangerous warning.
A chill danced over her body, removing the earlier satiety of heated arousal. “Yes! I dare because I see how you look at me, feel how you touch me. And I can also see that you are afraid of reaching for me. But I am meeting you halfway, my darling. I will come in even further if you’ll but open your arms.”
He flinched, his eyes darkening with shadows and emotions she feared she could not pierce. It scared her that even at this moment, it was as if she did not know him, that there were so many complexities to this man, it would take a lifetime for her to unravel, understand, and accept them. She feared that perhaps she was too limited in her understanding of pain and tragedy to comprehend his demons.
“And when you t