“Then why won’t you look at me?”
In defiance, she lifted her head and met his gaze straight on. Tucker searched her face, looking for some hint, some clue as to what had changed between them. But her expression was blank. The same kind of mask he’d seen her wear when someone was rude to her at work and she couldn’t afford to show her upset.
“I can’t fix it if I don’t know what I did wrong.”
A muscle jumped in her jaw. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Tucker.”
“Well, you know, I didn’t think I had. I was under the impression things were going well and we were on the same page with each other. And then you threw up a wall. You backed out of tonight’s rehearsal and you’re doing your damnedest to freeze me out right now. So I’m forced to concede I’ve done something, but damn if I can figure out what it is.”
She crossed her arms, the mask cracking enough to reveal exasperation. “You didn’t do anything,” she repeated.
Tucker sighed and shoved a hand through his hair, looking out at the lake to try to gather his thoughts. “Look, Corinne, if I pushed too hard or said something or whatever the hell and you want me to back off, I’ll do it. It sucks for me because I really like you, but that’s absolutely your call. Just say the word. But I have this sense I hurt you somehow, and I never intended that. I can’t apologize properly if I don’t understand what I did.”
Her eyes closed and she shook her head, those arms going from barricade to holding something in. “It’s for the best. I’m trying to protect you.”
Whatever he’d expected her to say, it wasn’t that. “From what?”
“Ridicule. Gossip. All the complete bullshit being involved with me would bring down on your head. I don’t want people to think I’m using you.”
“Using me? Who thinks that?”
“It’s what people think I do. Use people to get ahead. God knows it’s exactly what my mother thinks I should be doing here.”
It took him a full thirty seconds to rein in his temper. “Okay there’s absolutely nothing I can say about your mother that doesn’t violate everything I believe in as a gentleman, so we’ll set that aside for now. You don’t use people. Maybe at one time you did. You were under a lot of pressure from your parents to do exactly that. But you’re not that scared girl anymore, trying to win their approval.”
She gave a bitter laugh. “Tucker, I’m scared all the time. I’m scared I’ll fail my test. I’m scared I won’t get the job at the hospital. I’m scared I’ll have to uproot my son again to find a decent paying nursing job. I’m scared I’ll do something to completely screw Kurt up because I wasn’t good enough or smart enough or strong enough. I’m scared if I stay here, I’ll never ever move beyond this image of who I used to be.”
“You are moving beyond it. Every day you’re proving them wrong.”
“You’re the only one who sees that. And I’m not going to subject you to the backlash because of it.”
So she decided for both of them without consulting him or giving him a say in the matter? Oh hell no.
“Look, I appreciate the thought, but I’m a big boy and it should be my decision to make. I’m not afraid of some gossip from people whose opinions I don’t give a damn about.”
She was shaking her head. “You can’t know that. You don’t know what it’s like. No one walks into that willingly and just endures it. You’d walk away eventually. If not because of that then because you finally figure out I’m not this idealized picture you’re painting. And I can’t take that. I can’t take it if you start looking at me like everyone else.”
“Bullshit,” Tucker snapped. He took her by the shoulders, turning her to face him. “Don’t put that on me. I’m not your ex. I’m not your parents. And it’s a goddamned insult to act like I am.”
Corinne flinched, the color draining out of her face, her body going rigid and still, as if braced for a blow. That had him want to start swearing all over again, this time at himself for not recognizing the signs sooner. But he said nothing, gentling his hold, stroking his thumbs along her shoulders.
“You’re not,” she choked out. “God, I know you’re not. It’s just…”
“Just what?”
“You’re not real,” she whispered.
“What?”
“You can’t be real. You’re this smart, funny, attractive guy. You pay attention to the small things, the things no one else notices or thinks about. You reminded Mama Pearl that I’d be missing work to rehearse with you, so she’s paying me as if I’m still on shift. Don’t think I didn’t realize. You know I’m stressed out about studying for my exam, so you somehow convinced one of your best friends—who doesn’t even like me—to come help me study. And you picked music my child is going to go gaga over, just because you thought he’d get a kick out of it. You do all this stuff that puts other people first, trying to make their lives better, easier. And I can’t find the angle, I can’t find the motivation for why you’d do any of it for me. That makes you too good to be true, and my life has taught me never to trust anything that comes easy.”
“So…what? You’d be more okay with this if I were acting like a self-absorbed dick?”
She huffed out a laugh without an ounce of humor. “That, at least, I’d understand.”
“That’s not who I am, Corinne.”
“I know. Believe me, I have ample experience with self-absorbed dicks to know the difference. But I don’t feel like I’m on even footing with you.”