“Your talk last week about wearing your confidence really helped me at my family’s Christmas party,” Lisa said. “I wore an outfit that I’ve had for a few years, but never felt comfortable about wearing after I’d my baby. I wore it and I got so many compliments. It boosted my confidence. I am going to start doing things like that more often!”
The group erupted in applause. I smiled, pleased that I could help someone. I was glad that she had a good experience over the holidays. A few more women shared similar stories. The room had great energy. It was inspiring me, even though I’d been in a bad mood due to my fight with Cayden.
“I am so proud of all of you,” I said. “Every single one of you has something special inside of you. If you look around the room, you can see that we are all drastically different. We are different sizes, different ages, different shapes, but we are all here because we want to be the best version of ourselves. We are all fearless. We have hopes and dreams and we are strong enough to go after them.”
“Amen!” one of the girls exclaimed. I laughed as I continued my speech.
“I know that we have only had this class for a short period of time, but there has already been so much growth. We’ve heard stories of women wearing new outfits, going new places, and doing things that they never thought they would do. We are all inspiring and we are all inspiring each other. I’d like to take a minute to share my experience with you.”
I’d all eyes on me. While I’d led the class, I never really talked about myself.
“Most of you know that I have been transforming as well,” I said. “Before I started this job, I was a shell of the person that I used to be. I went through an awful breakup last year with a man who constantly put me down. I was too insecure to leave him. Finally, he left me, for another woman. My life was shattered. I was constantly putting myself down because I kept hearing his voice in my head. He would tell me that I was fat, that I was stupid, and that I would never find someone as good as him. He had beat those words into my head and I believed them.”
I took a deep breath and continued to talk, even though I felt very vulnerable.
“It took some time, but finally, I began to believe in myself again. Every day, I would replace his awful words with good words of my own. Before I got out of bed in the morning, I would name three things about myself that I liked. I began to take walks with my roommate and fuel my body with healthy food. I even began to fall for someone again.”
Nikki smiled at me. She knew who I was talking about, but she was the only one in the room who knew that I was talking about Cayden.
“I will admit,” I continued. “It’s very hard to put yourself out there again, but I did it. I was scared, and I felt insecure at times, especially when things got physical, but I pushed through all of that. I pushed through all of that because I knew that I deserved to be happy. I knew that my ex was wrong. I wasn’t stupid, I wasn’t fat, and I did deserve someone better than him. I deserved to be happy, so I was happy. And things might not work out with this guy, but it doesn’t matter, because this changed me. It made me believe in myself again. It made me believe in second chances. It made me believe in taking a leap of faith. Ladies, you might fall, but you might also fly. Don’t be afraid to go out into the world and be yourself.”
The room of women began to clap. Before I knew it, I was getting a standing ovation.
“Great speech,” Lisa said, clapping her hands furiously. She was right. It was a great speech because it had come from my heart. I wasn’t bullshitting them. Everything that I said was the truth. Even if Cayden never talked to me again, I would forever be grateful for the experience. It had shaped me into the woman that I was.
After my speech, the women began to leave. Our time was up, we had to go back to the real world and catch up on our work after the long weekend. Not only did I have to get back to my work, I’d to face Cayden. I was quite nervous, but it was something that I’d to do. He was mad at me, but I needed to talk to him.
I walked into his office and closed the door behind me. He looked up from his work, shocked to see me there. I wasn’t sure what I expected, but I didn’t expect the less-than-polite greeting that I received.
“What do you want?” Cayden asked. I was taken aback by his tone, but I deserved it. I would feel the same way if the tables were turned.
“We need to talk,” I told him. “Not here, but we need to talk tonight. I know that you’re mad at me, and I don’t blame you. I fucked up, but I’m not letting this go. I’m fighting for this. I’m fighting for you. I’m fighting for us.”
Cayden avoided eye contact with me. I couldn’t tell if he was angry or sad. He wasn’t responding to me. I wasn’t sure if I should say something else or not. Truthfully, I didn’t know what to say.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Tiffany,” he finally spoke. “I’m still really pissed off at you. You really hurt my feelings with your little stunt.”
“I know…” I started to speak, but Cayden interrupted me.
“I just don’t understand,” Cayden said. “You lied to me, Tiffany. You hid something big from me. Do you still have feelings for him?”
I shook my head.
“I don’t have feelings for him anymore,” I said. I wasn’t lying. I thought I’d feelings for Brad all along, but I didn’t. I thought that I needed Brad in my life, but that was the old Tiffany. The new Tiffany had no room in her life for someone who was so self-obsessed and so negative.
“It doesn’t matter if you do or not,” Cayden said, looking back down at his computer. “I don’t have time to talk about this right now, anyway.”
I felt a bit offended. I knew that he was busy with work, but I thought he would speak to me a little bit more nicely. I supposed that I’d deserved to be talked to like that, though. I would have spoken to him the same way if our roles were reversed.
“Can you please come over tonight?” I asked. “I want to talk to you. You need to understand where I’m coming from.”
He shut the top of his laptop and looked at me.
“I’ll never understand where you’re coming from, Tiffany,” he said. “I’ll never understand how you could lie to me and see another man behind my back. I can’t trust you anymore. What’s there left to talk about?”
He was making this tough. I’d expected some pushback, but I thought that he would be a little nicer than he was. I guess I deserved the cold shoulder. Mandy told me that he might act like this. I should have prepared myself better.
“I’m not asking you,” I said firmly. “We need to talk.”
Cayden sighed.
“Fine,” he said. “I will come to your apartment after work. We will talk then.”
He was obviously ending the conversation, which was fine with me. At least I got him to agree to come over. It was a baby step on the road to recovery.
“Thank you,” I said. I opened the door and walked over to my office. As I sat down, I realized that I was trembling. It was going to be a long day.
Chapter 37
Cayden
I drove over to Tiffany’s house, unsure of what was about to happen. I’d thought about it all day, despite trying to distract myself with work. I’d talked to Sarah about what happened over the weekend and she agreed with my mom. Although it was a bad situation, some things were worth fighting for. It was easy for her to say that, though. She had been in a great marriage for years. She didn’t remember the stress of dating someone new. She had forgotten what it was like to be vulnerable with a new person.
Throughout the weekend, I kept changing my mind about the situation. Some days, I wanted to give Tiffany the benefit of the doubt. She had tried to talk to me before I left the office when Austin was sick. But then, I began to think of all the opportunities that I’d given her to tell the truth. Tonight would be our make it or break it conversation. Tiffany and I would either come through this as a couple or part ways.
As I parked my car, I wasn’t sure which way the conversation would go. A small part of me wanted to cut my losses. I didn’t have time to worry about Tiffany doing things behind my back. I needed to focus on Austin and work. On the other hand, a larger part of me wanted to hear her out. I wanted to see what she had to say. Would anything that she had to say make me want to work on this? I wasn’t sure.