“Scout, I hate seeing you like this. It’s killing me.”
Did he think it wasn’t killing her? She felt like her body had started rotting from the inside out, all bits of life slowly breaking away, starting with her heart. What was the point of all this pain?
When she said nothing, anger briefly flashed in his eyes followed by some regretful expression. His face lifted, and he focused on her with what she could only identify as resolve.
“I’m going to make you forget about him, Scout. I won’t pretend to understand what you two had, but I promise I can be better, better for you.”
A better friend? Again, his words confused her. “Parker, I—”
“I know. I know you’re hurting, but . . . try . . . try to move past that.”
She scoffed. “I am.”
“I can help you.”
“You’re my friend, Parker. I don’t want anything to ruin our friendship.” She lowered her head. “You’re all I have left.”
He drew in a deep breath and looked away. “I would never let anything destroy our friendship. We’ve been friends for almost a decade, been through freezing winters, sweltering summers, hungry springs, and dry autumns. We’ve seen children come into this world and watched acquaintances go out. You and I, we have an understanding for life that men like Lucian Patras will never grasp. You and I are the same, Scout. Nothing will ever change that.”
Yet she couldn’t shake the sense he was somehow trying to change everything.
She needed to clarify, needed to state the obvious and make sure he was on the same page. “You’re my friend, Parker.”
He took her hand. “And you’re mine.”
She carefully extricated her fingers and he frowned. “I’d never jeopardize that.”
“Me neither.”
Why was this so difficult to talk about? Maybe because if she misinterpreted something and said the wrong thing she’d be putting it out there, and once something was out there it was impossible to pull back. She didn’t want to inadvertently put ideas in his head.
She met his gaze. “Good. I’m glad we’re clear on that.”
When he looked back at her, something tightened in the air. Their eyes locked, both pleading for something, but something altogether contrary. Her heart began to race at the unwanted feelings his intense look brought about inside of her. It was different yet familiar. She looked away.
“You’re too pretty for all the ugliness of this world, Scout. Too special. I want to help you find the beauty in life again. Help you find your smile again.”
Heat rushed up her neck and she blushed. She didn’t know what to say.
Her heart began to race as she briefly let her mind entertain the chance that he might be saying more than just words. She missed being touched, missed the feeling of being kissed, the rush of blood and surge of nervous energy that came with being intimate. What would that be like with a man like Parker?
The vision she tried to conjure was immediately rejected by some part of her. She simply couldn’t see him as more than a friend, and maybe she was imagining all of these mixed signals. She frowned inwardly. This was also Lucian’s fault. He’d suggested Parker had more than platonic feelings for her, and now she was paranoid.
Her voice was a choked sound. “I’m trying to get back to the girl I was. That’s what I want. I want everything back to the way it used to be. I just feel so . . . I’m . . . broken.”
His jaw clenched and she recognized the glimpse of anger flashing in his gaze. His hand again gripped hers. “You are not broken, Scout. Don’t say shit like that.”
Too much introspection, too many emotions, the abyss of fear broke and the pain suddenly seeped out. She’d kept it locked in for most of the day, but she was getting tired again. Something close to a dried-up sob slipped past her lips. “But I am. I’m not even sure if I left him or he left me, but I do know if he welcomed me back I’d go running to him.”
“He’s an asshole!”
“He’s also incredibly sweet. He loved me the way no one else ever has.”
He suddenly released her hand and forked his fingers through his hair. “You can’t say that if you’ve never given anyone else the chance to love you.”
Oh, God, please no. Don’t take us there. “Why would I want to? This is the first time I’ve ever experienced love, and I’ve never known such pain or misery.” She wiped her eyes. “I love my mother and she . . .” The ache in her chest bloomed. “Love is so powerful. It lifts you up and cuts you down. I hate it and want nothing to do with it.”
He stood abruptly and began to pace. “It isn’t natural to scorn love. That’s what I’m trying to get you to see. He’s the one that’s broken. You can’t go by what he showed you. You need to stop defining things in his terms. Love is the underlying motivator in this world, beyond wealth, beyond anything else; only love could drive a person to such a ceaseless place of want and need. It’s the most powerful driving force of life.”