Courtney closed her eyes and began sobbing in earnest. "I knew you'd say that," she got out between tears. She began crying even harder, shaking her head at the same time. The harder she cried, the harder she shook her head.
Nick tried to take her in his arms, but she pushed his hands away and stood up to walk across the room before facing him again. She crossed her arms over her chest defensively. "I love you." She saw pain and confusion in his eyes, so she tried to make him understand how much she loved him. She took a deep breath and continued more softly, "I love the way you waited for me all those years. I love the way you can't always hide your impatience. I love the way you're so selfish about me that you sometimes forget to think of me first. I love the way you are. And I love the man you've become." She halted as her voice cut out and she licked her lips. "But we can't be married. I can't have the children that I know you want." She bit her lip and took a shuddering breath. "I'll always love you, and I promise, I swear to God, that I'll love the children you'll have someday." She swallowed, forcing the words out. "And I promise that I won't make trouble for you. I . . . I'll be happy for you," her voice cracked on a sob, "and for the woman you eventually marry."
With those words, Courtney turned and fled to her suite, locking the door behind her.
****
Nick took a few stumbling steps backwards until he fell back on the sofa. His head sank down into his hands and he let out a tortured, shuddering moan. What the hell had she gone through? He'd known it had been bad for her, but why hadn't he seen exactly how badly the death of her parents had scarred her?
If he'd realized, if she hadn't hidden it so well, he'd have done things differently. What, he didn't exactly know. He should have seen that she needed professional help, that she needed grief counseling. Maybe he should have married her the second she turned eighteen. Then, at least, he could have held her every night, been there for her the last six years, giving her comfort every day. Made her feel that she belonged, that she wasn't alone, made her realize that she was loved.
Her pain went so deep, it was almost unfathomable to him, though in a way, he understood her logic.
His scared, emotionally fragile, brave, selfless Courtney was trying to protect her unborn children. She loved the thought of her future children so much that she'd give up knowing them, give up having them, just to protect them from the pain that she'd endured.
This was an agony that she might carry her entire life. He suddenly saw her future the way that she was seeing it. It wasn't something he wanted for her, but he might not be able to change the outcome. If she continued to refuse to have kids, she'd never get to know the joy of being a mother, and that made him so sad for her.
But she couldn't hide one thing. She wanted him in her life, as her husband, he knew she did, even though it seemed she was determined to set him free. Yeah, right. He never wanted to be free of Courtney. There was no reason in the world she shouldn't have him. It escaped Nick that he wasn't thinking about his own loss. It never once occurred to him that he might never get to be a father. All he cared about was Courtney's happiness and being with her. Being there for her, as her husband, her lover, her protector, everything she needed. For always.
The fact that she'd actually stated that they couldn't be married almost annihilated him. Thank God they were already married and she wouldn't have a choice in the matter. Thank God they'd never had that particular conversation about children until after they'd exchanged the vows that would bind her to him forever.
He sucked in a stabilizing breath and then another. He could give up children if he had to. Children, to him, were an added bonus that he could do without, if necessary. There wasn't a chance in goddamn hell that he was giving up Courtney.
****
Nick kept his eye on Courtney's door but she never attempted to leave her suite the entire night.
The next morning, her face looked drawn, but she was dressed for work when she emerged into the living area. He stood in the kitchen, drinking a cup of coffee as she walked through to the elevator. "You going down?"
"Yeah," she said as she kept her eyes on the door.
"I'll see you later, then."