I pursed my lips deep in thought. I knew that my bank account was set up by my aunt and that she had nobody else to leave her money to. Cole’s situation was just plain weird though.
“I don’t get it, though. How is money still going into the account? If your dad is dead—and obviously he hasn’t been living here for a long time—who’s been depositing the money?” I asked confused.
“I don’t know, Blake, but I’m going to find out,” he said determined.
We finished eating and lay down close to each other. Cole was supposed to leave for North Carolina soon, and I was leaving for Chicago. We hadn’t spoken about the elephant in the room in a long time, and I felt like we needed to address it soon.
“Cole,” I whispered. “You know that I...really, really care about you. More than I care about anybody else in the world, right?”
“I know, baby. I love you, too,” he said sleepily while he stroked my hair.
“Well, because of that, I think maybe we should take a break,” I whispered in a rushed voice before I had the chance to back down like the coward that I was when I was around him.
“Baby, not this again,” he groaned as he sat up.
“Yes, this again. I’m not kidding, Cole. I’m already sick with jealousy, and you know I don’t do jealous!”
“Blake, I’m sorry about the Sasha thing. She was being stupid, and I acted like an idiot. I shouldn’t have let her stand so close to me. I shouldn’t have spoken to her at all. She was telling me about a couple of friends of hers that are going to my school, that’s all.”
I felt my jaw clench. “See? That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Sasha’s friends are going to college with you. She’ll probably go over there at least once to try to screw you, and I have to be in Chicago—hundreds of miles away—thinking about whether or not that’s going to happen.”
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Blake, I wouldn’t cheat on you.”
“Cole, it doesn’t matter what you say. Don’t you get it? I’m scared. I’m freaking scared to lose you, and I don’t want to lose you like that,” I said blinking back tears. “I can’t stand the thought of you with another girl. I hate that you’re so good looking. If you were ugly, we might not be in this situation.”
He barked out a laugh. “Blake, you’re the most beautiful girl in the world. You’re sexy as hell, you’re smart, and you’re funny. Life has handed you shit cards, and you’ve still managed to make the best of it. You are all I want. You are all I need. When will you accept that?”
I shook my head slowly. “That’s not enough right now. Just go to college and have fun. I don’t want to hold you back from a college experience. I...care about you too much. If we’re meant to be together, we will be—later on in the future.”
He got up and knocked over our empty cans. I watched as he angrily put our things in the basket. He was pissed—really pissed, so I stayed quiet and got up slowly to help. He didn’t say a word to me as he lit two lanterns and handed one over to me, so that we could walk back to the car. We drove back home in heavy silence. The kind of silence that you didn’t want to break—because you knew that if you did, it would turn into a screaming match. Cole went to the kitchen to put things away as I hovered around silently watching.
Finally, I headed upstairs. I heard his loud footsteps behind me, and turned to enter my room when he grabbed my arm to stop me.
“My room,” he ordered in a low voice, and I could only nod and follow.
He closed the door behind us, and he held me from behind, crushing my back to his chest as he squeezed his arms tightly around me.
“Why are you so adamant in getting rid of me?” he whispered into my hair. “I fucking love you. I care about you. I want to take care of you. Let me.”
I shook my head as new tears forming in my eyes. I’m scared. I love you. I’m scared of losing you for real. I can’t be with you if I can’t see you. I’m stupid. I don’t deserve you. I didn’t say any of this.
“I can’t,” I said brokenly. “I want to, but I can’t. I want you to live.”
He turned my body to face him and scooped my face in his hands, wiping the tears with his thumbs.
“I’ll live happier with you, baby,” he said softly.
“And I’ll live happier knowing you’re living—even if it’s without me,” I replied quietly, dropping my gaze from his before looking back.