I laid there feeling cold without him next to me and wondering if now that we were planning to be husband and wife did I have a right to ask him what was going on with these calls. Whatever it was that he was dealing with each time that phone rang and it dragged him out of our bed, it tore at my heart that he obviously believed he needed to deal with it alone.
Straining to hear any bits and pieces of his conversation right outside in the hallway, I was able to make out only a few garbled words that meant nothing to me. He was only gone for a few minutes, but when he returned to bed he was visible shaken.
He laid down next to me and moved to take me in his arms as I'd been before. Pulling me close, he was silent but I sensed the tension coming from him in waves. I laid my head on his chest, and he began to coil my hair around his index finger over and over.
After a few minutes, I whispered against his skin, "Tristan, what is it?"
"Nothing. Just work. Let's go to sleep. We have a lot to decide tomorrow."
I knew he was referring to our earlier discussion of what kind of wedding we wanted or if we should just elope since neither of us had much family, but as he spoke of all that now, it sounded like something unhappy to him.
Kissing his neck, I whispered, "You can tell me anything. There's nothing you can say that will change how I feel. I hope you know that."
He sighed heavily and squeezed me to him. "Everyone has something they're ashamed of, Nina. All we can hope for is that the one we love can see past it."
His words were so cryptic they worried me. "I can't believe you have anything to be ashamed of. I'll never believe that. No one who has treated me like you have could have done anything so bad he should be ashamed."
Tristan kissed the top of my head and sighed again. "Sometimes we have to do things because others have done wrong. All I can promise is that I would never hurt someone like others in my position."
I heard the sorrow in his voice and wanted to ask about it, but it didn't seem like the right time. On the night that he'd asked me to marry him, I didn't want to fall asleep after talking about things that made him unhappy. I wanted to make him as happy as he made me.
Snuggling close to him, I whispered, "All that matters is that I love you and you love me. Everything else is out there. Always remember that and we can get through anything."
My words didn't ease his mind, and when he kissed me just before we fell asleep, all I could feel was his sadness.
In the middle of the night, I awoke to Tristan thrashing around in his sleep next to me. He was mumbling something over and over as he frantically shook his head. His body writhed as if he were in pain, and his face twisted into a terrible grimace.
"No! No! Don't...don't do this. Stop!"
I gently nudged Tristan's shoulder to wake him, but he shook his head violently as he pleaded for the people in his dream to stop. Pressing harder into his body, I finally was able to wake him. He stared at me in terror for a few moments before he realized it was just me there with him.
"You were having a nightmare," I said as he took a deep breath. He nodded, and I gently stroked his forehead drenched with sweat. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"What was that?"
He shook his head as he sat up to get out of bed. "Nothing. Go back to sleep."
I reached out to touch his back, and he turned to face me. "Tristan, what were you dreaming about?"
His body sagged and he hung his head. "It wasn't a dream. I have nightmares. I have since the accident. That's the reason I never stay after you fall asleep. I thought I could do it tonight, but..."
I listened as his voice sadly trailed off, so wanting to help fight whatever demons he was dealing with. "Come back to bed. It'll be okay."
"Maybe it would be better if I say in the other bedroom like I always do. They can get pretty bad."
Sitting up, I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my cheek to his back. "I wish you wouldn't. I'm not going to be scared off by a few nightmares. If we're going to be married, I have to know about even this kind of thing."
He took another deep breath and quietly said, "Okay."
Easing back onto the bed, he pushed his hands through his damp hair and closed his eyes. I laid my head on his chest and curled up next to him, hoping my presence helped to calm him. As he usually did when we laid in bed together, he twisted my hair around his finger over and over until just before he feel asleep when he stopped and whispered, "I love you, Nina. No matter what, don't ever think I don't love you more than everything else in the world."