At his words I instantly could see our future if we did try to make this work. I could see me pussyfooting around him, trying to stay on my best behavior in fear that I’d do something wrong and lose him.
No matter how much I wanted him, I couldn’t live like that.
That wasn’t what a relationship was supposed to be like.
Right?
“I need you to believe in me,” I said. “I need you to believe that I’m in love with you. I need to know that you trust me with you and Abby. And I need to know that on the days that I’m finding all of it hard, on the days when my chest gets tight, and I can’t breathe for fear of losing you, that you’ll be there. That it won’t send you running. Because if you run, I’ll run. I’m not perfect, Braden, and I have a lot of wounds. That means I need a man who’ll fight with me, especially on the days I’m scared to fight.”
I waited as what I said penetrated.
Undiluted pain and frustration darkened his expression.
Maybe it should’ve made me feel better to know this was so difficult for him.
But it didn’t. Especially when the next words out of his mouth were, “Fuck, Jocelyn … I wish we’d met years ago.”
I felt like I was standing there with my chest ripped open, waiting for my insides to fall out.
So, this was love unrequited, huh?
In truth it’s difficult to describe a broken heart. That unimaginable pain centers in your chest and radiates out, this throbbing, sharp ache that causes almost incapacitation. But there’s more than the ache. Denial lodges itself in your throat, and that lump is its own kind of pain. Then there’s the knot in your stomach. The knot contracts and expands, contracts and expands, until you’re pretty sure you’re not going to be able to hold down the vomit.
I somehow managed to hold on to at least that much of my dignity.
And I left the hotel without another word.
That night as I lay in bed realizing that my actions had caused me to lose Braden, I made a decision I should’ve made a long time ago.
I was going back home to Virginia to say goodbye to my family.
It was time, finally, to put the past to rest in the hopes that I could find peace in my future, and maybe find a man who would fight to love me like I was determined I’d fight to love from now on.
The Goodbye
“You’re going to Virginia?” Ellie’s voice was almost shrill down the phone line.
I sat in the airline lounge at the airport and smiled at the concern in her voice. “This is a good thing, Els. And I’ve got you to thank for it.”
“Me?” she squeaked.
“You got me talking about my family again. It made me realize that it’s time to say goodbye to them finally. I can’t do that here. They’re buried back in Virginia. Plus, I have all of their stuff in storage. It’s time to deal with that, too.”
“Joss …” Ellie sighed heavily, causing blowback on the phone. “I think this is such a good thing but you are intending to come back, right?”
I wasn’t sure. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“I don’t know. I’m going out there and we’ll just see what happens.”
“You can’t move back to America, Joss. What about us?”
I grinned. “We can still be friends, Els.”
“Not us! Us. This family.”
Realizing exactly what she meant, I was silent a moment. The day after the party, I’d booked the first flight out to Richmond. It was for Monday morning. All day Sunday I’d ignored Ellie’s calls, not wanting to discuss it with her until it was too late.
The pain that ripped open inside of me at the party had stayed with me since.
“Braden made it clear that nothing is going to happen between us.”
“Did you tell him you want to be serious with him?”
“I told him I loved him.”
For once Ellie was quiet. And then she sounded tearful. “You told him you love him?”
“Yes.”
“And he didn’t say it back?”
“Nope.”
“I’m going to kill him!”
I smiled sadly. “Please don’t.”
“Joss, what else did he say? I can’t believe for one minute Braden wouldn’t be over the moon that you’re in love with him.”
Exhausted by the conversation already, I needed to find a way to finish it. “He doesn’t trust me. He’s messed up about what’s going on with Abby and Kiersten and he’s putting Abby first. I get it. I really do. But right now, I’m messed up too, and I need someone who is going to believe in me and help me through this. Braden’s never going to give me that. I fell in love with the wrong man and that’s it. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
“But did you tell him about what you’ve been through? Did you tell him about your family?”
“I assumed you had.”
“I didn’t! My God, Joss, you have to tell him!”
I pulled my phone way from my ear. “Jesus, Els.”
“Sorry. But you have to tell him everything.”
Getting irritated now, I snapped, “No. I don’t. It’s over, Ellie. Let it go or I’m hanging up.”
She made a huff of annoyance and I thought perhaps she might hang up. Then she said, “You’ll tell me when you arrive safe in Richmond?”
Relieved, I slumped in my chair. “Yes. I’ll keep you updated.”
“Good. And Joss?”
“Yeah?”
“When you’re over there making your decision about staying or not … remember that you have someone back here who really cares about you. I care about you. You’ve become my best friend these last few months.”
My nose burned as tears welled in my eyes and I turned away from the rest of the room so no one would see me swipe at them. “I care about you too, Ellie,” I said shakily.
“Of course you do.” She laughed, sounding just as tearful. “I’m very loveable, you know.”
She was.
She really was.
And if I did decide to start over in Virginia, I’d miss her like hell.
***
Richmond, Virginia
Two days later
I stood frozen outside of the cemetery. It had taken me this long to force myself out of the hotel room and into the car the hotel had provided for me.
The driver was parked down the road behind me, probably sitting there, watching me and thinking I was a complete lunatic.
I’d been standing at the entrance for fifteen minutes.
My fear came from all sorts of places. It wasn’t only the fear of finally coming to terms with the fact that I’d lost my family. It was the fear of what they must think of me. I didn’t know if there was something after death, if their energy was still around here, or if they were up in heaven watching over me. But if it was true, if there was still some part of them that could see me, what must they think?
I’d pretended they didn’t exist for years.
I’d buried my head in the sand and shut out everyone who might have loved me.
There was nothing for them to be proud of.
Then make them proud of you for a change, and walk your ass into this cemetery.
The sound of a car slowly approaching made me tense. I flicked a look over my shoulder and noted a similar black car to the one I’d arrived in pull up in front of mine. Not wanting to be seen staring, I looked back at the entrance and tried to lift my foot forward. Instead the sound of a car door slamming made me flinch.
I glanced over at the new arrival … and I felt the world blur around the edges of my vision.
It couldn’t be …
What the hell was he doing here?
“Braden?”
He strode toward me, grim determination on his face
, wearing a black suit that as always fitted him to perfection. As he grew closer, I noted a slight darkness under his eyes and a weary strain on his face.
“What the hell?” I said.
His answer was to walk right up to me, cup my face in his hands, and kiss the hell out of me. I grabbed on to his arms because if I didn’t, I was going to topple over in shock.
When he finally let me up for air, he pressed his forehead to mine and refused to let me go. “Jocelyn,” he whispered hoarsely.
As wonderful as it was to be touching him, to have him touching me, I was still confused. “What are you doing here?”
He pulled back, dropping his hands, only to clasp one of my hands in his. “Ellie told me about your family.” And that’s when I noticed the anger in his eyes. “Fuck, Jocelyn, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I told you I had issues,” I argued, and then huffed when I remembered where we were. “I don’t want to fight here of all places.”
His hand tightened in mine. “Do you really think I got on the first fucking plane to Richmond to fight with you?”
“Why are you here?”